lealavender
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| Mon, 05-02-2005 - 7:46am |
I just thought I'd see how you're doing.
I was reading through old posts more - I'm still looking for answers (and I'm not thinking about much else so I might as well be learning... I can't wait until my mind tires of this process).
I read some of your old postings. Are you able to share where the blog is that you can write but no one else can see?
Also, I saw that you have to attend something this summer where xMM will be there. Is that still on and haunting you?
My weekend was an improvement over last week, but I find it hard again - it's Monday and we're 'back at work' with xMM right there again forcing me to confront it (I work from home but we have work contact all day). The healing is very hard when his presence is constant.
I'm going to bury myself in all that I need to get done today and on the side work on vacation plans. I truly do feel better when I have something to look forward to.
WIP

Well the blog I use for myself, is only for AOL viewers even if I were to make it available to others. So it may not be something you could see anyway. I am doing well.
The thing that is happening this summer, last I knew (before we really stopped all contact) my EXMM said he wouldn't be there. I'm hoping he's sticking to that. I have a feeling he doesn't want to be there, because he knows I want nothing more to do with him. If I had stayed friends with him he might have made it more important that he attend. But since I told him I was done- he had said he won't go. Now if for some odd chance he shows up-I will be fine. I have lots of other people there to talk to, and won't need to talk to him. I already told him before we ended contact, that I did not plan to talk to him in front of people and "pretend" we are friendly. Because I feel no friendliness towards him. He messed with my head and heart too much for me to want to spend two seconds saying "How are you?" etc. I have found that I am doing much better because I'm happier in all other aspects of my life- but also I have done things to create ways to fill in where he used to "be there".. like with emails- I used to wait for his emails- and now I don't. I write on this board, I have an email penpal that I write to each day about eating/and workouts. (We're kind of a support system for getting healthier). I started posting on a couple other message boards about other things I'm interested in. It's really working- I don't sit and feel empty without his emails anymore because I'm too busy with other things to interest me I guess. I also know in the deepest part of me, that there is nothing good in having contact with him anymore. I'm much better off without it. I spent four years letting him lead me on, affect my emotions, my ability to take care of ME etc. I am so done with that..and i guess just feel like life is too short to waste another second on him.
I've honestly never been at this place before. Each time I tried no contact in the past, I felt anxious and sad. I let every song I heard, remind me of him. Now, I just don't think of him that way..I hope you get there sometime. Now the hardest thing is- a close friend of mine is in an EMA and I know it's never going to be the magical thing she keeps saying it is..(Long term). Its hard to not want to just wake her up..
WIP, I know it's harder- you work with the EXMM in your life..that is hard.. you have to grow some pretty thick skin and just work your heart out to keep him from having an affect on you. I know you can do it. Don't give up.
lea,
Sorry! I didn't mean I wanted to see *your* blog ; ) ... you had suggested in a former post that a blog is a good outlet and I wanted to start my own - so you guys don't have to hear every single emotional up and down I feel. I think I found one online that is free after doing a search this morning.
You really have come far. When I was reading old posts I kept looking back thinking "this really isn't that long ago - just a couple of weeks. I can do this too!" However, I also know it was after several painful attempts. I hope others come back and post there updates too. There are quite a few stories out there that I'd love to know the outcome of. Some of the stories of NC for like 2 years and they were still somewhat sad about it was discouraging. But there were happy "over it" stories too.
I know you'll be okay even if you see him this summer. I can tell by your posts that you don't feel he's right for you anymore. That's the real test. I still have fragments of that longing and wondering "what's going on on his side" problem.
I want anger but I don't want bitterness (I wouldn't mind the bitterness if we didn't have to continue to work together well). When we stopped 3-4 years ago for that long break I was very bitter and it ran through all dealings I had with him. This last couple of months have been like no other in our long 9 years. I really feel we're through. I don't know how I could fool myself again if we saw each other. I know too much of what he's made of now. And the lack of even baseline friendship is screaming at me.
You're an inspiration, WIP
It's fun. And you can really gain from expressing yourself..no matter who reads it/or even if it's hidden.
I think part of my success this time is also because I felt determined to get a handle on all things in general. I'm working out again..and taking better care of me..somehow it all helps. That and having already cried plenty of tears over the last four years--I'm all cried out where he is concerned..and I go to a point where I wasn't going to let him affect me anymore..
Keep posting..I love reading your posts too..don't stop telling how you're doing..and enjoy the blog as well!