Lefeen... on Abandonment...
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| Tue, 06-07-2005 - 10:33pm |
Lefeen, I just wanted to thank you for your posts today. I'm sure they have helped many other folks that have read them too. I love the first link you posted (I love the second one too... but have been all over that site already before, lol).
I read this clip below on the same site you posted (http://www.abandonment.net/author.frame.html) and this really spoke to me - and I bet it will speak to a lot of others here too:
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WHY DO WE CARRY A TORCH FOR SO LONG
WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH US?
NEW SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH EXPLAINS WHY HEARTBREAK HURTS SO MUCH. Someone who leaves you becomes very powerful to your emotional brain. They become powerful simply by being able to inflict so much pain. Being left is perceived by your mammalian brain as an attack upon your personal being. It etches an indelible impression in a primitive part of the brain that acts automatically to protect you. It conditions your mammalian brain to react with fear each time you encounter the person whom it perceives as dangerous to your well being. Acting beneath your conscious awareness, it maintains a constant vigil on your abandoner. You experience this as being temporarily obsessed with the person. Your nerves are set to 'go off' if you should unexpectedly bump into them later on or see them with a new love. This enduring emotional reactivity is known as 'carrying a torch.' You are confused into thinking that if the pain can last that long and feel so strong, the person must have been very special. But this is not so. You can feel this way over anyone, even someone who had nothing special to offer. It is just your mammalian brain efficiently trying to warn you not to make the same mistake again.
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I might look into some of her books. She seems to have hit it on the head.
Thanks again - you gave me a good deal of hope today, WIP

WIP,
I'm so glad you found my posts helpful, but you should REALLY thank Id for the first link and Posie for finding & Free for copying the second link over here.
~LeFeen~
Okay do either of you (or anyone else) have an opinion on this:
I was doing some research last night on this... and I found this Susan has 3 different books and a few different "concepts" (Black Swan, AK&RU, S.W.I.R.L. ...) and I'm feeling overwhelmed... which book should I consider diving into first!? It sounds like her first book "Journey from abandonment to healing" and the workbook "Journey from heartbreak to connection" kinda parallel each other... so why would I read both... or should I read them at the same time... or what the hell am I doing!?!? ROTFL
http://www.abandonment.net/journey.frame.html
what are your thoughts?
My suggestion would be to start your journey here:
Fall Out of Fear & Fall Into Love
By Susan Anderson
Author of The Journey From Abandonment to Healing (Berkley, 2000)
I've been working with heartbroken people for over 25 years as a psychotherapist. I've listened closely as they tell me they've been abandoned again and again, can't seem to find someone, can't get a quality relationship to last.
The truth is that they are experiencing invisible barriers that prevent them from finding the right love. The first step to overcoming these barriers is understanding them.
Common Scenarios
# Abandonholism: You've been hurt so many times, youíve come to confuse insecurity with love. When someone comes along who is willing to commit, you donít feel the "right chemistry." So you seek unavailable partners who make you insecure, leading to a cycle of reabandonment. Abandoholics are addicted to the love chemicals of conquest, of pursuing the illusion of love.
# Abandophobism: Your isolation is driven by fear. You may avoid contact altogether or appear to look for mates, but pursue unattainable partners to avoid the risk of becoming attached.
# Fear of abandonment: Insecurity is your internal gremlin. It sabotages your attempts to feel cool, calm and confident when attempting to bring love into your life. It short-circuits your relationships with feelings of neediness, desperation and self-doubt.
# Fear of engulfment: You feel emotionally closed in when someone is ready to commit. You pursue hard-to-get lovers to sidestep intimacy and avoid the panic of closeness.
# Negative attraction: We all know someone entrapped in a relationship that is no good for them, addicted to the high-stakes drama of emotional danger. In fact, a negative attraction is often more compelling than a positive one. Recovery means learning to stay away from the "emotional candy" and choosing someone who offers emotional sustenance.
# Love is invisible: Love may have shown up at different points in your life, but you werenít able to recognize it. You were looking for another "feeling" and dodged the opportunity for a real relationship. In fact, love might be staring you in the face at this very moment, but your potential mate remains emotionally invisible to you.
Overcoming Invisible Barriers
When you are ready to break out of your patterns of self-sabotage, it is time to put your awareness into action:
# Recognize your patterns. Come clean with yourself.
# Commit to change.
# Maintain a daily routine of self-reflection (possibly writing in your journal), focusing on changes you notice in your unfolding new self.
# Share your emerging awareness with others -- friends, therapists, support group members -- to strengthen your resolve and gain support.
# Practice being emotionally present, open and sharing with all of the people in your immediate life, each day extending your caring self to new people.
# Step outside your usual circle of friends and activities to explore new interests and try out new roles.
# Initiate contact with at least 10 new people and explore different aspects of your personality that may have not found expression before (your various alter ego states).
# Come clean about your feelings and your culpabilities about past relationship failures with at least three of these contacts.
# Become your higher self.
# Share your higher self with significant others.
Good luck,
Way, way cool beans, Sunny. Thanks.
~LeFeen~
yeah that's good stuff - thanks! :)
but what about the books? Anyone?
By Susan Anderson
Author of The Journey From Abandonment to Healing (Berkley, 2000)
This is a book, sweetie, that why I suggested you should start with this one ;) Go to amazon.com and either order a new one, or get a used one for a few dollars less. Type in her name in the search option on Amazon to order it, and/or see what other books she has written. Here, I'll do it for you (the mommy in me ;)
http://www.amazon.com/
Edited 6/8/2005 1:41 pm ET ET by sundrian
Lafeen,
:-)
oh I'm sorry - I thought that was just an article highlighting some of her "thoughts" on what the book covers... I'm alittle slow... wonder if I can put that on my abandonment issues! :p J/t
Thanks again! :)