The Lessons We Have Learned
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The Lessons We Have Learned
| Tue, 01-27-2004 - 7:14pm |
Hi- I struggle constantly in trying to make sense of my A. I need to find meaning or purpose in this happening. What are the lessons here. I think it may be helpful if we list some meanings we have found or some lessons we have learned.
I'll go first:
1- I need to remember my worth and realize that I do not need to seek validation externally.
2- Secret relationships for me are not able to be completely fulfilling. They feel empty and I deserve more than that.
3- Why did I get involved with someone who was not committed to their fiance? Do I really want that person as my next partner? Such an unhealthy start- how can that lead to a good union?
4- All of the answers we seek are already within us.
5- There is integrity and honour in real love, for me this A had neither element. It did possess guilt, deception, and betrayal- the absolute worse foundation for a relationship.
I know these are deeply personal, but I was also hoping to learn from you all.
Snap

Mine? I'm still sorting it out. I started off with a sense of conflict that the "we" wasn't right, but now think it had less to do with a wrongful coupling than just "ME" not being right. I was in a bad place. Seeking to fill a hole with the wrong thing.
So, I like your #s 1 & 4, because those fit me.
What I'm stuck on, too, is how did I get so far off "target" for so long (7yrs!) and not come around sooner?
I'm learning that I have more layers than an onion, and that I expect/hope to have more sense of my self within the next 6-7 months.
I have to learn to not be so hard on myself anymore. I fell in love with someone else, then realized that the love was only truly one sided.....I did not know what a cakeman was or the actions and motives they usually use to get what they want. I think about the way the whole situation fell into play and it was just like the book says.... word for word, and I fell hook, line & sinker. Stupid me. My eyes are open just alittle wider to things now.
I have learned that I am not alone.... This board has been my salvation. Thank you to everyone here for listening!!!! My friends have been my salvation. Couldn't make it thru a day sometimes with out them. And in time I will be over it all.
TCOM
1. understand yourself & your needs & fill them before they find their own sometimes unhealthy ways. Pay enough attention so I don't get swept away and lie to myself to satisfy some immediate need. AVOID the path of least resistance at all costs.
2. respect other people's stuff -- their problems, their marriages, their families. Respect the institution & the people -- don't get in the middle of someone else's mess.
3. respect myself enough to not settle for the least that will do. challenge myself enough to reach for the stars not the doo-doo.
4. live in my life, in my moments with my family and make it and us and me the best we can all be & have & share.
5. believe in happiness and protect it. believe in truth & integrity and uphold it.
1. I will never settle for less than exactly what I want in a partner becasue later I might find what I want and have to live with pain, regret, and temptation (the mm actually told me this the sick sob, maybe its what happened to him). I will be patient and beleive that the mr right will eventually come and replace the mr. right now
2. Trust is earned, Trust is sacred.
3. Being lied to hurts, and the damage is irrepairable and hard to forgive. I will try my best to never lie about anything, little lies make it easier to lie about bigger things. If i find a man attractive i will tell my spouse, if i do this then I prevent myself from secretly pursuing anything further
4. Always keep in mind your partenrs best interests. If both do this, then both will have their every desire fufilled and have no reason to go elsewhere for it. Love is selfless. Giving is contagious.
5. Never take things for granted. Sure there are bad things, and if you focus on the problems they blur the good things. I will never let myself become accustomed to acts of kindness for each act be it in routine, good manners, or an elaborate effort each comes
becasue the person cares about you.
6. Counseling before marriage, seems silly, but if you focus on the problem before it happens then how can it.
7. I read on a billboard once "Love like you have never been hurt!" Don't let your future suffer because of painful past experiences, skeletons tend to jump out of closets when ignored. Deal with the hurt, but when you find love again let it envelope you as if it were the first time.
1 - I own the mistakes I have made. I chose to have an EMA and I own that choice, it's mine for life and I need to learn to accept that choice and move on. I cannot beat myself up over it.
2 - Life is one big choice. I can choose to never do this again and to be the wife I want to be or I can fall back into the same pattern. Every day it is a struggle to make the right choice.
3 - I should not judge other people. I always thought people who had affairs we're the lowest kind of people on the planet, but now I see there are 2 sides to every story.
4 - Things do "just happen". Period.
5 - My husband and my child are worth it.
6 - I am capable of a lot more than I ever thought. I never thought I was the type of person that could have an A, but I am and I was quite capable of all the lying, cheating, sneaking around, etc. I should devote this energy to my marriage.
7 - Some secrets should stay with you. I will be taking this one to my grave as it would only hurt my husband. I might feel less guilty if I came clean and told the truth, but he would be crushed.
BadGirl