Let the Hard Work begin...
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|Wed, 01-16-2013 - 12:21pm|
I have been trying to post recently, but have not been able to sign in! Grrr!
My journey out of this mess continues. I have been NC since Oct. 4, but XAP fished over the holidays (I did not respond) and I continued to stalk him on FB until I deactivated my account over two weeks ago.
And my life is getting so much easier. He is no longer the priority in my brain or energy. (Life without FB is grand!)
My H is. He and my M are my priority. And the true shift came when my H told me he didn’t know if he wanted to continue in our M or not. He has known of the A for several years and has always stood by me.
Two days after I told him I had de-activated my FB account so as not to see XAP, he got very angry. I thought it would have the totally opposite effect on him! He said he couldn't believe that I had continued to "stalk" him and he felt betrayed. We went to counseling together about two weeks ago and I am learning that this deep hurt and betrayal that he feels has always been there, but that it's finally boiling over.
For over a week, I sat in limbo. I was a basket case. I have never been so afraid and ashamed in my entire life. Waiting to find out if my H wanted to stay in the M. Our T told us it would be a lot of work, but we had great potential. My H is afraid of getting hurt again and his biggest question now is “Why? Why and how could I have done this to him?” The ball was in his court.
Three days ago, there were roses in my car when I came out of work. This morning we had another session and he wants to try to see if we can work.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for him. And I am blessed.
The past two weeks is putting this all in perspective. What a DUMB A$$ thing I did by engaging in that A. That was, by far, the STUPIDEST thing I have ever done. I have jeopardized my M - what an IDIOT thing to do. (Yes, part of my T will be to dig deep into the “why’s” of my actions.)
And, for what? Being someone's side dish, feel good, the "other woman", his sex toy, his ego booster?
It is becoming all so clear. We think that we have it all “under control” while in the A-fog. I was so wrong. What gave me the right to think I could walk all over someone just to get my selfish needs met? How could I exploit someone like that? Take advantage? Lie to? (Sounds like someone else I know that’s in the media these days! And, yes, I live in his town here in central Texas and the town is a-buzzin’! And, yes, I am a cyclist and have actually ridden with him on organized rides and have seen him around town. He walked all over people to get what he wanted. Hmmm.. sorry about my rant! Guess you know how I feel about that!!)
And, I can say today that I could give a CRAP about XAP. It's my M and my H that matter, above all else.
I do not want a M like XAP’s. I believe, that given the chance, he will have another A. Will always be looking for that intimacy, that "something" to fill the void in his life.
Part of the work my H and I will be doing (we received a couple of “assignments” this morning in our session!) will be to ask each other some hard questions to get to the real understanding of how and why the A occurred. Real soul searching for both of us.
And I want to share that the real journey back to my M and to finding ME again has started with knowing in my heart that I didn’t want to be in an A. And that led me to google ending an A and I found EAS. And EAS led me to go NC. And going NC led me to clarity and realizing there is SO much more to life than getting feel goods and highs from having sex in a truck or sneaking around or filling my head with lies and fantasies. There’s a whole REAL world out there folks! Full of life and love and honesty and truth and integrity and REALNESS! (Is that a word?!)
I want to have an intimate M again - something even better than we had before. We have begun the very, very difficult journey to get there. I pray we can get there.....