Let the Hard Work begin...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Let the Hard Work begin...
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 12:21pm

Hello all,

I have been trying to post recently, but have not been able to sign in!  Grrr!

My journey out of this mess continues.  I have been NC since Oct. 4, but XAP fished over the holidays (I did not respond) and I continued to stalk him on FB until I deactivated my account over two weeks ago.

And my life is getting so much easier.  He is no longer the priority in my brain or energy.  (Life without FB is grand!)

My H is.  He and my M are my priority.  And the true shift came when my H told me he didn’t know if he wanted to continue in our M or not.  He has known of the A for several years and has always stood by me.

Two days after I told him I had de-activated my FB account so as not to see XAP, he got very angry.  I thought it would have the totally opposite effect on him!  He said he couldn't believe that I had continued to "stalk" him and he felt betrayed.  We went to counseling together about two weeks ago and I am learning that this deep hurt and betrayal that he feels has always been there, but that it's finally boiling over.


For over a week, I sat in limbo.  I was a basket case.  I have never been so afraid and ashamed in my entire life.  Waiting to find out if my H wanted to stay in the M.  Our T told us it would be a lot of work, but we had great potential.  My H is afraid of getting hurt again and his biggest question now is “Why?  Why and how could I have done this to him?”  The ball was in his court.


Three days ago, there were roses in my car when I came out of work.  This morning we had another session and he wants to try to see if we can work.


I have nothing but the utmost respect for him.  And I am blessed.


The past two weeks is putting this all in perspective.  What a DUMB A$$ thing I did by engaging in that A.  That was, by far, the STUPIDEST thing I have ever done.  I have jeopardized my M - what an IDIOT thing to do.  (Yes, part of my T will be to dig deep into the “why’s” of my actions.)


And, for what?  Being someone's side dish, feel good, the "other woman", his sex toy, his ego booster?


It is becoming all so clear.  We think that we have it all “under control” while in the A-fog.  I was so wrong.  What gave me the right to think I could walk all over someone just to get my selfish needs met?  How could I exploit someone like that?  Take advantage?  Lie to?  (Sounds like someone else I know that’s in the media these days!  And, yes, I live in his town here in central Texas and the town is a-buzzin’!  And, yes, I am a cyclist and have actually ridden with him on organized rides and have seen him around town.  He walked all over people to get what he wanted.  Hmmm.. sorry about my rant!  Guess you know how I feel about that!!)


And, I can say today that I could give a CRAP about XAP.  It's my M and my H that matter, above all else. 


I do not want a M like XAP’s.  I believe, that given the chance, he will have another A.  Will always be looking for that intimacy, that "something" to fill the void in his life.  


Part of the work my H and I will be doing (we received a couple of “assignments” this morning in our session!)  will be to ask each other some hard questions to get to the real understanding of how and why the A occurred.  Real soul searching for both of us. 


And I want to share that the real journey back to my M and to finding ME again has started with knowing in my heart that I didn’t want to be in an A.  And that led me to google ending an A and I found EAS.  And EAS led me to go NC.  And going NC led me to clarity and realizing there is SO much more to life than getting feel goods and highs from having sex in a truck or sneaking around or filling my head with lies and fantasies.  There’s a whole REAL world out there folks!  Full of life and love and honesty and truth and integrity and REALNESS!  (Is that a word?!)


I want to have an intimate M again - something even better than we had before.  We have begun the very, very difficult journey to get there.  I pray we can get there.....






Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 1:18pm

Afternoon Sunrise

Sometimes all it takes is to rid ourselves of one last very-bad-for-us habit to start to gain momentum forward.  We close the door on it and another door opens.  It takes courage to walk through the new door...into the unknown.  I so admire your courage.  I just know, things can only get better for you from this point forward.  Of course, there will still be ups and downs, but it's all on the up and up now.  No more betrayal in any way shape or form.


Clarity...who found this thread way down on the second page and who can't float it because the PTB wanted to see what I was talking about...and so I have to leave it where it is while they check it out for themselves. 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 1:39pm

I'm happy for you. I'm happy for your husband.

As many here understand, (and others who don't get it yet), you were spinning your wheels. Stuck in the affair and 'wishing' that you would move on. It doesn't work that way. There is a big difference whether you are just wishing or you are proactive in ending it. You have made the transition between the two.

You have made a big turnaround. It's so great to see someone get it. 

You are lucky in some ways. Many of us never get back to wanting their spouse. Thats very unfortunate. Oh yes, they say they do but they have already checked out of the marriage, and are too far gone. You are VERY lucky. Lucky that you want him. Lucky that your H still wants you, wants to trust you and still wants to make a life with you. Consider yourself blessed from that point of view.

You have a hard road to travel in the future. You have to rebuild that trust with H. You have to be careful for the rest of your life that he indeed ALWAYS feels safe with you. It isn't going to happen overnight. He has every right to feel betrayed. There is no road map, just you and him feeling your way. This may be the most difficult part. Good marriage counciling can help alot.

He is going to have triggers too.  For a long time.  Things that you won't understand. Be gentle with him.

It sounds like you are really making an effort.  

I'm happy for you all.

I'm pulling for you all.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 4:10pm

I am really happy to read this, Sunrise. You have most certainly come quite a way since your first days here.  You ought to feel good about that and trust yourself in re-engaging your M again.  As RBM said, you are lucky to be in that position. It doesn't happen that was for everyone and I truly consider myself lucky that I am in a similar circumstance. 

Try to keep posting here as your relationship with your H evolves. I am certain that many people in A's are troubled about the future of their M's so seeing it evolve will certainly benefit others as they try to end their A's. I say that, but I have been a bit hesitant to post about my own M. I sometimes feel like that side of my experience might not be so helpful to the majority of folks here. Suffice it to say, though, with honest discussion, deep commitment, and demonstrated integrity, a marriage can be saved. Honestly, my M has never been stronger than it is at this moment.

Good luck with the next steps of this journey.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 4:24pm
I think it would be VERY beneficial for everyone if there were more positive "after the A" marriage success stories shared, as well as the struggles and tribulations of getting there. I know I'm in that boat, as I'm sure are many others!

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 12:10am


You go Girl!! (yes, I'm still keeping tabs on you :)  )  So glad to hear that you are seeing things clearly and that your H is willing to work things out.

I do not want a M like XAP’s. I believe, that given the chance, he will have another A. Will always be looking for that intimacy, that "something" to fill the void in his life.

STOP!!  No more thinking about xAP and what his marriage is like etc.  No more. Not your problem. 

Focus on what you have, not what xAp doesn't.  Keep walking the free road.  You;ve been in that fishing/respond prison for so long, bask in your freedom and don't look back.

Formerly heartacheafter7years