Letter to MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Letter to MM
10
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 7:41pm

This is a letter I wrote to xMM. He seems to keep stopping over at his own convenience like he did on Tuesday morning, so I decided to write him this letter. I was hoping he would stop by today so I could give it to him, but apparently today wasn't "convenient" for him. Please tell me waht you think. (I stole some words from a response to one of my posts.I think it was Free or Posie! Thanks for that!!)

<Here's another letter to add to your collection, though I'm sorry my last couple haven't been too upbeat or fun-loving, I just haven't been feeling that way lately.I'm writing this to tell you that I was wrong about something. I know in my last letter, I told you that I would always be here for you, but it turns out that I just can't be. I can't handle you dropping by every few days when it's convenient for you, and then just leave me hanging in the dust to wonder when and if I'll ever hear from you again. I feel like you're turning this into a game. You want to keep me hanging on and I can't figure out why. I'm starting to feel like you want your cozy domestic life with your wife and your kids, yet you want to keep me here safely hidden and available just incase things don't work out at home. I was so afraid that it would turn into this, and I absolutely refuse to let you use me. It's so unfair that I have given you the opportunity to come over here whenever you feel you need me, yet I have no options whenever I happen to need you, I can't even call or talk to you. I used to feel like you and I were in this thing together, but somehow I have managed to hand you all the control over this situation, and I have wasted too much energy feeling powerless. I won't let you keep popping in and out of my life strictly at your own convenience, while you throw in little pieces of hope of our future together. One minute you're telling me that you want to take me to Chicago to meet your daughter, and the next you're talking about sex, babies, and vasectomies with (W). Your words are so conflicting, yet your actions have always been consistent, and that's really all I have to go by. Whatever force is keeping you with (W) is stronger than whatevr pull was keeping us together. And as long as you're hanging on to your marriage, there is no room in your life for me. You always said that you don't think you could do this without me, but honey, you've proven that you can't do this with me either, and my heart has had all the breaking it can take. I am so sad to say that I have completely lost faith in us. I have nothing left to hang onto. I made a mistake by telling you it was ok to keep stopping over. I'm sorry. I truly love you with all my heart and I will always hold the memories of what we had very close to me, but you really have left me no reason to believe in us anymore, and I see no reason we should see eachother again. I hope you can always remember me with that "glowing smile" instead of this lingering sadness that has recently taken over. I will always hang on to the fun we had and all the happiness you ever gave to me. Goodbye, MM!!>>

Now if he would just stop by. I can't very well call him and ask him to come over so I can give him a letter saying not to come over anymore. I guess I'll just have to wait until he does. Before I have the chance though, how does it sound? Does it get the point across? Or is it too "nice"? What should I change?? Thank you!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:31pm

Hiya Pal,

Want an honest opinion? This is great as a first draft and certainly something to hang on to so you can re-read it from time to time.

Basically it's too long and there's waaay too much wiggle room. The boundary marking is lost in the rest of the text.

If were only permitted to write three lines, what would you say in those three lines?

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:49pm

Pal

First thanks for the correction on my post to GAL, clearly the G and P keys on my board must have shifted places or something like that, that or I was seeing into the future and writing to the wrong person again.

Your qoute is a Posie-isom as I think of them.

As Posie said not a bad first draft, a bit to long with to much wiggle room and from my POV a little to sweet, to much lovey dovy romantic stuff if you want to close and lock that door, anything like that could be seen as weakness to be exploited.

But the long and the short of it is that YOU need to be happy with it, say what YOU have to say then say no more to him.

XMM makes me wish you had a nasty dog sitting in your front yard that would rip the last ball off him, but maybe his wife has already done that.

Be well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:52pm

Posie, (or anyone),

Judging by what you read in my letter, How do you think I could say all that in a shorter version, and more firm way, but still be nice to him? Until W found out about us he was nothing but WONDERFUL to me. His actions toward me lately are all pretty new and unlike him so I don't want to say anything hurtful to him. But I do want to get my point across. Should I leave out all the " Love" stuff? HELP ME!!! (and thanks for being honest.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:59pm

<>

Thank you, Free, and I know this is true. I guess what I'm looking for (and I know this is soooo childish,) is for him to know that I'M the one who is chooseing to end this, not him. Is it normal for me to think this way? I guess the rejection is probably getting to me more than the loss of him? I hate to lose. I lost!

<>

I love your comments on the whole "ball-less" thing. I almost feel like you know him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:11pm

Pal

I think many of these guys come out of a factory someplace there so much a like, so predictable.

Yes you are normal, if you read enough posts you see the same thing often when it ends, so don't worry about it.

No one likes to lose, I refuse to do it it just plain sucks to lose, and they will never find jimmys body. (KIDDING)

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:47pm

Hiya Pal,

If you break your draft letter down into simple, easily digestible, non-lovey-dovey, no-wiggle-room, boundary setting form, I see it reading something along the lines of:-

MM,

I am unhappy with our relationship and have been for some time now. Your priorities rightfully lay with your wife & family. I am therefore making the firm decision to step out of the picture entirely in order that you may honour those priorities and so that I may begin my own healing & recovery process.

I am asking you to respect my decision to end this relationship by ceasing all contact with me with immediate effect. For the avoidance of any doubt, "no contact" includes phone calls, letters, texts, emails, IM's, smoke signals, carrier pigeons and stopping by my house.

I wish you happiness in your life while I seek the same in my own.

Signed,
Pal

Simple, no wiggle room, no what-if's or if-only's, no you did/said this or you promised that's, and no doors left open or ajar. Most importantly, this does not invite further discussion nor should you permit any.

The easy part is writing and handing over the letter & requesting the return of your house keys. The hard part is maintaining those boundaries you've just set. If you don't maintain those boundaries and the no-contact, then you are basically saying to MM that you do not actually require any respect from him after all and he is welcome to simply continue doing whatever he pleases.

Hope this helps.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:00pm

Posie,

Thank yo for that letter. Do you mind if I use those exact words? You're right about one thing, it's to the point, and I know I would never hear from him again. Maybe that's what scares me. I guess I want him to know that if his M ever did end, to see where I'm at in life. But I guess he'd probably do that anyway without me telling him so. I have to do this! I've already started the healing process. If I let him in again there is no doubt it would have to start all over. Thanks Posie!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:22pm

Hiya Pal,

You're entirely welcome to use it however you wish, poppet. It's really only a condensed form of what you'd drafted - I only removed wiggle-room and reinforced the boundaries.

<<>>

The scary bit is keeping up *your* end by maintaining the boundaries. Especially if you have a history of caving (and who of us doesn't?!!), it would be extremely unusual if he did not try to test those boundaries a little to see just how serious you are about ending it.

As I said, they are your boundaries and it is down to you to enforce them. The world really won't collapse if you don't. Thing is, people will treat us exactly how we permit them to treat us.

If you go wishy-washy on your boundaries, it means you are all talk and no action - So effectively you tell him he's welcome to continue treating you as his marriage counsellor, personal ego-booster & booty call at his convenience and/or whim. You've said you do not want that, so enforce it.

<<>>

Yup. Consider this letter your "Get outta jail free card." Remember that it only has as much meaning as YOU give it, Pal. Trust me, going to jail, not passing Go, and not collecting your £200 suxxors big time.

Let us know how it goes!

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: pal1214
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:31am
Thanks for your in put on this Posie. Now, for once I hope he eventually stops over to get it. If he never stops over again I guess that wouldn't necessarily be bad, but it would mean that I wasn't able to be the one to end it. He did. For some odd reason I just can't get past that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: pal1214
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 2:06am
I have been waiting all night for "him" to call me...so that I can tell him not to call me anymore. I feel stupid. He still calls and texts me to try to talk like we used to...and I don't reply (if it's trivial.) He texts to ask me what I'm doing...and I replied that I was thinking about what I would say to him the next time I talked to him. I haven't heard from him since. I want to make sure that it's known how much he hurt me. I guess he does not want to hear it. I'm sure that he would say that he's not calling because he doesn't want to hurt ME anymore. I'm starting to feel like he doesn't really care how I'm doing...he wants me to be fine with everything so that he won't have to feel guilty.