Letter to MM...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Letter to MM...
3
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 12:30pm

that will never be delivered. Putting my thoughts in writing is so therapeutic for me. I composed the following letter yesterday and thought I'd share it with all my ex-EMA buddies. Before you read it I want you all to know I've done a lot of reading the last two years on men and what generally makes them tick. Based on my crack research, I think I have MM pretty well figured out, but no one but he knows for sure.

Dear MM:

It’s been two weeks since we’ve seen each other or communicated in any manner whatsoever. The last time we met was no different than any other. Sex, small talk, then goodbye. You called my cell phone this morning at 11:11 (a lunchtime booty call no doubt). Normally, I would have answered right away, but today I quickly pushed the decline button and continued to work. Ironically, shortly thereafter, my sweet husband called and invited me to lunch. We met at ****** and had a wonderful meal together. After lunch, I still had 20 minutes to kill before going back to work, so we followed each other to the house where we made incredible love. Lots of kissing and touching, and it just felt right.

MM, I feel sorry for you. It’s not your fault you’re a man out of touch. That’s the way God made you and the way your Daddy raised you. It’s my understanding that the majority of men just don’t know how to express their emotions and truly don’t even have access to them. You, MM, are certainly no exception to this philosophy. As a little boy you were taught not to feel. ‘Big boys don’t cry, be a man, chin up, be strong, keep pushing, don’t be a sissy.’ This has carried over into your adult life and has caused you to basically be emotionally unavailable. I accepted this idea and tried to overlook it because I liked you so much; however, a woman needs to feel special, and I just cannot bang my head against your wall any longer.

I do not intend to call you back nor do I intend to explain the reason I do not want to do this with you anymore. Basically our affair is no longer worth the pain of putting my needs aside to fulfill yours, all the while jeopardizing my wonderful marriage and family. Sorry. I tried. You continually let me down and missing my birthday last week without so much as a phone call was the final straw.

Don’t think for a minute that I don’t take partial blame for this fiasco. In the beginning, I threw myself at you and what man wouldn’t take the bait? I helped form the foundation of our affair by allowing myself to be used while excusing your unacceptable behavior. All in the hopes that you loved me. What a fool I was. Yes, I’m just as guilty as you.

I know pride and daily responsibilities will prevent you from calling me anytime soon, but you will call eventually. You always do. I’m hoping I, again, have the strength to press the decline button. It will be tough, and I’ll second-guess my decision for a long time afterwards. You, on the other hand, will no doubt move on and find another soon enough. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 5:37pm

Dear Fresh Catch,

Thanks for posting your letter! I think it was YOUR letter that gave me courage to end my A today! Read my post under "Having an Affair. Need Help!"

My A was brief, less than 3 months and when I read your proposed letter to your MM, it was like what I had in my mind for my MM.

It's so hard not to answer MM's call and I tried numerous times to just push the IGNORE button, but I just couldn't do it. And if I didn't answer his call, I would end up calling him back later.

I don't know if it's all men, or just the ones in the affairs, that they just don't have or don't show emotions as much as we women do, but my MM certainly did NOT show any positive emotions for me at all. He once even said to me, that I wasn't satisfied with his answer that he liked me and not loved me. I honestly think I loved this guy. I know others have posted that what we go through in an A is NOT love but lust, I don't necessarily believe that. I am VERY hurt right now, sad and if I didn't care or loved MM, then I wouldn't feel like this. I have been in relationships before I got married when I didn't care about the OM and when we broke up I was able to move on. But when I did love OM, I fell apart, like I did now.

My MM lied to me when we first started the A and any decent human being would have walked away at that point, but I didn't, because I cared about him so much at that point, I sort of overlooked his mistake.

My MM's B-Day was 2 weeks ago and it was almost like no big deal for him that he got a present from me. I went out of my way to get him something very special and personalized and even wrote him a card with a poem in it. He didn't even read my poem! Isn't that something????

I particularly liked the part when you wrote "....by allowing myself to be used while excusing your unacceptable behavior. All in the hopes that you loved me. What a fool I was." I also believed that MM would love me if I went out of my way. But he didn't. I even tried to make him jealous a few times, because I thought that would make him care more. Once again, he didn't.

Hopefully we can all recover from all this pain. I am totally in pain right now, and my heart is bleeding. I used to smile all the time and now I can barely smile because it hurts so much.

Thanks again for your letter. I try to read everyone's post over and over again to get me through this, because I am falling apart...

Sadgirl37

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 10:11pm
BRAVO! Your letter is a masterpiece and should be published somewhere other than this board. I think you SHOULD send it. Would you mind if I plagiarize parts of it to send to my XMM (who seems to have forgotten that he's an XMM)?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 5:50pm
hi there Fresh--

Thanks for the great post -- I am certainly going to save this one. I may need to borrow some of this if the verbal communications with my XMM don't catch on with him :-)

Meg