Letter in my mailbox
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| Thu, 08-05-2010 - 12:05pm |
Hello everyone,
Hope everyone is having a good day. I am actually ok despite some activity from Exap. For those of you that do not know me, I am a SW with two children, was in an A without knowing it, but after I knew it, I stayed with him for a bit. I then ended it Dec. 4th. I blocked and I walked but he would still get thru to me via texts and emails from random phone numbers and random email accounts...I had to change my number and my email addresses. Oh my, I just realized I am 8 months NC...wow. I am always right behind Dee. I am still in my healing process. I celebrate myself as of late, I try to bring small celebrations to the board...
Now about my letter. I got a letter in my mailbox. It stood out. Had my name on it. It was not postmarked. It looked like something from my homeowners association, so I opened it. It appeared professional. All type written, I got thru the first two sentences, it was not from my homeowners association. it was from exAP. I read a few more sentences...more out of reaction, not because I wanted to see what he said. I stopped and I ripped it up before I got back into the house. Into the trash it went.
I knew if I had not done that, I would have continued to read and I would have probably have read it 10 times. So its gone. I went to bed just fine, I woke up with a little wonder. The few sentences I did read were in my head. He said nothing special. Nothing I believe. The letter was two pages...He apologized in the first sentence. OK. Then came I am leaving her. I know I will be with you eventually...I miss you. Everything about you. I have actually tried to let you go and I can not. Thus, this letter. I actually cringed at that. Felt very stalkerish. He thinks we still have a chance. He was always a little off the rocker....He thinks that I would want him...that astounds me. But not really. Hope that makes sense. Last thing I read said...Are you ready for me? I mean for good...
I actually laughed out loud. No, I really laughed. He is delusional. I was too.
I have frequently called him the devil on this board. I have said he is not a good man. I have said some bad things about him. A lot of that was anger talking. Hurt and anger. I am no longer hurt or angry. I think that he is sad. He is still in a very bad place. He is a liar. So was I. Once I knew he was M, I still dealt with him and I said it was because I was P. I justified everything. I lied too. When it ended, it ended ugly. He threw me under the bus. Why did I think he would not? Self-preservation. I may have done the same. I did bad mouth him tho and he did the same to me. I am not making excuses for him. I could have took the high road at the end. I could have never spoken to his W. I do not regret that so much. I wanted her to know that I did not know about her. Felt like that would help relieve me of my shame. It did not. All and all, I am just owning up to the ugly end and my role in it all. This letter has me purging these thoughts on the board. Not so much a reaction to him tho. Kinda odd for me.
I am not sad about the letter. I am not bitter at him anymore. I am not at indifference, but I am getting close. This letter would have had me a mess months ago. Now him fishing is just sad. I do not know what he wanted. His apology. Maybe its real and heartfelt. I dunno. I will take it and move on, no need to say I accept it. Its all over. In my rearview mirror. Its gotten so small. I am not over it. No, not at all. Him I am passing....everything about him. Its me I am still on, working on me, healing me.
He is an avid fisher. I know he may appear again. I do not know in which form. But I am not worried about it. I can handle it. I do not fear him. I used to. If he gets bolder and shows up at my door, I would not answer. I do not think he will. But I am not in fear of my reaction. I used to long for these fishing attempts. I used to long for a word from him. When I initially got them....I felt like I was hit by a mack truck...I even ran from the board. Now the fishing attempts are just ineffective and that charts my growth. He had such a hold on me, even in NC. He had this powerful hold. I wanted some explanation. He hurt me in ways that can not be described. Forgiving him is for me, not for him. I can say that I forgive him. I can say that I am still working on forgiving me. Close but not there yet. Not completely. He has no power to haunt me further. I can say that with complete confidence and sincerity.
I hope this help someone see the light. Guess a low might hit me, but I feel pretty good right now. I do not even wonder why...after all this time, I get a letter...It doesn't matter. That I do know. The last fishing attempts, I wanted to react to them. I wanted to respond. I wanted to just say so much all those months ago. Those desires are dormant. Perhaps gone. Still on my bike, the weather has been bad....but it's also been good. What is really amazing is that I have been thru seasons. Something about the weather just reinforces my healing. The ending of summer brings me a picturesque fall. I will not be hollow come winter.
Hope everyone has a good day. This path is worth staying on. Happy to have you all with me.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Edited 8/5/2010 12:39 pm ET by luvinmeforever10

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(((luvin)))
What a tool. Do you need that translated? ;-) You see, the good news about being 8 months NC or longer, is that the addiction no longer
~Iddy~
Hi luvin,
Wow. You inspire me. I am not sure I would have been strong enough to not finish reading. Not sure I would be strong enough to see it for what it was... fishing and lies. Thank you for sharing this.
((HUGS))
-Angel-
Hi Luvin,
I love reading your posts: you always make me smile and I learn so much from your inner strength and wisdom. You teach us how to 'get it done!'. This guy is a piece of work! I am just sitting here shaking my head. Honestly, the nerve! Really, it is so sad ... that he thinks you would WANT to be with him. wtf? It is so pitiful it is (almost) comical after all he put you through.
It is so comforting to know that no matter what happens for us, we will NEVER ever contemplate (again) reducing/compromising ourselves again. Early on in NC you think you lost some prize, after some time you thank the freaking Universe it didn't work out.
((HUGS))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Dear Luvin,
You inspire me and I admire your strength, intelligence and determination.
Babysteps
...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.
NC/LC since May 21, 2010
Luvin - that kind of thing really scares me! MY XAP was arrogant enough to say a few times that he WAS leaving his W, but he wasn't sure that we'd be together. Huh? But then I can see him doing the same thing. Because I leaned over and took it for so long, he was totally clueless about his actions and I'm sure he still thinks I'm waiting for him with bated breath.
I hope if the time ever comes that I have to face what you did, that I will have your strength.
Bodhi
Just before I ended it in Dec. He was leaving her for me. He is always leaving her. Yeah right. He was going to leave his new baby and two other young children. Sure he was.... To think that I think he would leave her, is just plain irrational. He is still the same broken man I fell for. Only I didn't know he was so broken.... He doesn't even know what he wants. He want to be honest NOW... Lol! Too little n way too late. See whether he leaves or not, he isnot for me. He is hollow and broken and nothing that I want or need or even care to share a moment with. He believes he loves me. He is a lil boy who needs his ego stroked by the one who got away...me. I almost feel sorry for him. He thinks I can fix em...I am fixing myself. He is n never was my problem.
Bodhi, your exap ain't yours either. We carried their bags long enough...They rarely leave w's. Rarely. N if they did and we were there with open arms, we would only gain what W had. A cheating liar. They are still the same, we have put in the work to change and love ourselves. They have not. So we would not be the winners...nor would we be happy. The highs would be gone. They would be replaced with RL.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Thank you, thank you, thank you again Luvin :) I'm having a growth spurt - it's too quiet and lonely in my office today. I played golf this morning with my girlfriends, but I was just going through the motions. Just breathing and reading. My XAP is one broken human being too. It's strange, I used to vacillate between thinking if he left everything would be great and if he left, holy s**t I would be stuck with him and all his personality traits (nice way of saying it...) I've always known in my heart that he isn't the man he thinks he is. We've been given a gift by being in the spot we're in, haven't we :)
Bodhi
yeah,
having time on your hands is difficult. I am a stay at home mom and work from home, it makes things difficult when a whole lot is not going on. I was dating for a brief time but I know I have more work to do on myself.
Just so you know, he knows he is not the man he thinks he is. He is probably quite insecure. He may even think that his life was supposed to turn out differently. He was supposed to amount to more. He knows he is broken...I could be off, you would know better than me.
It took me a while, but I realized not to take his treatment of me so personally. I was not the first A, and def not the last. He had multiple women. And probably always will. His W was not even remotely surprised about me, she had dealt with his crap for years. My exAP has serious issues. He is a total serial cheater. He has four kids...Had he left her, I would have to house him and he would probably give all his earnings to her. Plus child support. This man's credit is even shot. What was I going to gain? A bunch of kids and drama with an angry wife.
What were you? Your exAp may not be like mine but something within him is unhealthy.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
<<>>
Good question and I've been thinking about it a lot. XAP had to get married at a very young age. So in a lot of ways, I think you're right, his life hasn't turned out the way he thought it would. I wouldn't say he thinks he should have amounted to more though, he's a very successful businessman and has 4 amazing kids. He would never admit it, but he's a little arrogant about his success and his family. What he never expected was me. His words: I was never supposed to happen. I think for all the years before he met me, he'd come to terms that his life was what it was. I know that I'm not in his house and I don't really know the R he has with his W, but it's pretty nonexistent. I remember seeing them together at events before I was ever involved with him and they didn't interact with each other at all. None of that matters.
He is insecure. He used to say that I would leave him if something better came along. Unlike your XAP, mine never cheated before. I don't know what was different about me. I do know that his W was very heavy (still is, but has lost a lot of weight in the past year) and I'm very fit. He was heavy for years, but before I met him he'd lost all his weight. So I'm sure he had self esteem issues and I was probably a boost to his ego. His little arm candy.
I think that's just the tip of the iceberg. He's an extremely complicated man and it's not my problem to figure him out anymore. I've spent so much energy on him.
We are both better off :) How old are your kids?
Bodhi
I have a 10 and 12 year old. My girl is the eldest. Son is the baby, n not a momma's boy.
You can be real successful and still think you are a failure. You can have what seems like the best life... Yet you are still really unhappy. All that physical stuff does not matter. I bet u were his arm candy. I was for my exAp. He saud he loved sporting me, we were not hidden, I met all his friends, a few members of his family. He took me out quite a bit, we even threw a party. During that same party he sent me a txt n said I was talking to a friend of his too long....it was there I saw how insecure he was.
He always seemed arrogant but at the root of things, he was very unhealthy. That was the beginning of the end...then later, I knew he was married and within weeks everything was falling apart, including me...for so many reasons.
It stung for so long. Tonight has been rough. But the pain is not so bad. More like I feel like I can exhale. Where before I couldn't breath.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
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