Letter in my mailbox

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Letter in my mailbox
11
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 12:05pm

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone is having a good day. I am actually ok despite some activity from Exap. For those of you that do not know me, I am a SW with two children, was in an A without knowing it, but after I knew it, I stayed with him for a bit. I then ended it Dec. 4th. I blocked and I walked but he would still get thru to me via texts and emails from random phone numbers and random email accounts...I had to change my number and my email addresses. Oh my, I just realized I am 8 months NC...wow. I am always right behind Dee. I am still in my healing process. I celebrate myself as of late, I try to bring small celebrations to the board...

Now about my letter. I got a letter in my mailbox. It stood out. Had my name on it. It was not postmarked. It looked like something from my homeowners association, so I opened it. It appeared professional. All type written, I got thru the first two sentences, it was not from my homeowners association. it was from exAP. I read a few more sentences...more out of reaction, not because I wanted to see what he said. I stopped and I ripped it up before I got back into the house. Into the trash it went.
I knew if I had not done that, I would have continued to read and I would have probably have read it 10 times. So its gone. I went to bed just fine, I woke up with a little wonder. The few sentences I did read were in my head. He said nothing special. Nothing I believe. The letter was two pages...He apologized in the first sentence. OK. Then came I am leaving her. I know I will be with you eventually...I miss you. Everything about you. I have actually tried to let you go and I can not. Thus, this letter. I actually cringed at that. Felt very stalkerish. He thinks we still have a chance. He was always a little off the rocker....He thinks that I would want him...that astounds me. But not really. Hope that makes sense. Last thing I read said...Are you ready for me? I mean for good...
I actually laughed out loud. No, I really laughed. He is delusional. I was too.

I have frequently called him the devil on this board. I have said he is not a good man. I have said some bad things about him. A lot of that was anger talking. Hurt and anger. I am no longer hurt or angry. I think that he is sad. He is still in a very bad place. He is a liar. So was I. Once I knew he was M, I still dealt with him and I said it was because I was P. I justified everything. I lied too. When it ended, it ended ugly. He threw me under the bus. Why did I think he would not? Self-preservation. I may have done the same. I did bad mouth him tho and he did the same to me. I am not making excuses for him. I could have took the high road at the end. I could have never spoken to his W. I do not regret that so much. I wanted her to know that I did not know about her. Felt like that would help relieve me of my shame. It did not. All and all, I am just owning up to the ugly end and my role in it all. This letter has me purging these thoughts on the board. Not so much a reaction to him tho. Kinda odd for me.

I am not sad about the letter. I am not bitter at him anymore. I am not at indifference, but I am getting close. This letter would have had me a mess months ago. Now him fishing is just sad. I do not know what he wanted. His apology. Maybe its real and heartfelt. I dunno. I will take it and move on, no need to say I accept it. Its all over. In my rearview mirror. Its gotten so small. I am not over it. No, not at all. Him I am passing....everything about him. Its me I am still on, working on me, healing me.

He is an avid fisher. I know he may appear again. I do not know in which form. But I am not worried about it. I can handle it. I do not fear him. I used to. If he gets bolder and shows up at my door, I would not answer. I do not think he will. But I am not in fear of my reaction. I used to long for these fishing attempts. I used to long for a word from him. When I initially got them....I felt like I was hit by a mack truck...I even ran from the board. Now the fishing attempts are just ineffective and that charts my growth. He had such a hold on me, even in NC. He had this powerful hold. I wanted some explanation. He hurt me in ways that can not be described. Forgiving him is for me, not for him. I can say that I forgive him. I can say that I am still working on forgiving me. Close but not there yet. Not completely. He has no power to haunt me further. I can say that with complete confidence and sincerity.

I hope this help someone see the light. Guess a low might hit me, but I feel pretty good right now. I do not even wonder why...after all this time, I get a letter...It doesn't matter. That I do know. The last fishing attempts, I wanted to react to them. I wanted to respond. I wanted to just say so much all those months ago. Those desires are dormant. Perhaps gone. Still on my bike, the weather has been bad....but it's also been good. What is really amazing is that I have been thru seasons. Something about the weather just reinforces my healing. The ending of summer brings me a picturesque fall. I will not be hollow come winter.

Hope everyone has a good day. This path is worth staying on. Happy to have you all with me.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida




Edited 8/5/2010 12:39 pm ET by luvinmeforever10
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 9:49pm

<<>>

Very true. He's definitely unhappy. And unfortunately he probably will always be. The good thing is he is no longer dragging me down with him. I'm still unhappy, but at least there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I had the courage to leave my husband and follow my heart. So I have to trust that it's leading me somewhere. :)

I'm sorry tonight has been rough ((((hugs))))). You are so strong and inspiring.

Bodhi

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