Letter to my MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Letter to my MM
6
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:46am
To my dear friend (MM),

I understand why you said that you won't see me anymore. This has been borrowed time. I guess when I told you I didn't want to be physical anymore... maybe you thought it was just a phase. You've been great this past couple of weeks, just being a friend. I know you can't be just friends. It's so much work anyway. Your wife is jealous of me, my husband is jealous of you. It's been a big risk to us just to have coffee.

I started to reconsider "us" when DH said he didn't want me seeing you anymore. I tried to tell him he was being silly- you're 18 years older than me! But I guess he senses it. He's never been jealous of anyone else.

I started to fight so much with DH. Do you remember the day I told you that I wanted to run away from it all. I asked you if you wanted to run away with me. You just smiled. There's six children and a husband and a wife that would be hurt if we ran away together. Not that either of us would ever do it. So then why continue to see each other?

Then I started to focus on DH more. I realized what I would lose if he knew. I started to look at my life more. Why make any long term plans if I'm not totally invested in this family? Why get a dog? Why save for retirement? And I started to see DH through new eyes.

So, recently things have been great between DH and I. I've been telling you that. I've been holding my breath waiting for the axe to drop. I even thought, "Who knows? Maybe we really could be just friends." But I've been trying that for a year and a half and I knew that it wouldn't work now either.

Well, you finally realized. You've decided not to see me anymore. You say I can call whenever I want, but you say it will probably just hurt you more. I love you so much and I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I told you from the beginning that I loved my husband. I told you we shouldn't get involved. But you were so persistant, and I fell for you. I should have quit, or asked for a transfer or told the boss. But I didn't do any of those things. We had so many great times... and a lot of not so great times. I have to believe that there is some positive that I will take away from having known you. I hope that you know I care for you. I wish you well in everything you do. But my heart cannot be 100% in two places. I've made my choice. I'll miss you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:43pm
I am seeing similarities here. I told my MM that I loved my husband and would not cheat on him. Why did he persist? Why is it that they don’t stop trying to persuade you? And why do we cave?

I tried so hard to resist him, but as everyone knows it is like an addiction that’s very hard to break. I told him I couldn’t be alone with him, and when he finally told me he was mad, then sad I said I wanted to talk to him and he talked me right into being alone with him again. It can’t be the sex because we’ve never actually had sex. In fact, he told me he would never take it that far. This is such a roller coaster ride like everyone says.

I thought I wanted out a couple of weeks ago, but now I’m not sure again. I am glad that you have made your choice and I’m sure it won’t be that much longer for me. If only I can stay away. Then nothing can happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 7:27am
Nice to meet you iv. MM and I never had sex either. It sounds pretty similiar. I think I had to wait to fall "out of love" with MM before I could be successful in ending it. I'm pretty confident that it's really over this time, but only time will tell.

Do you work with MM? That's how he got me. I resisted and was actually very offended at first. As time went on, I found myself craving the attention he gave me though. I don't know why he felt he had a right to persist. He's from another country with a much different culture and I know that he has a lot of misconceptions about Americans and their lifestyles. Maybe he thought it's not a big deal to cheat over here.

Well, the good news is that I don't work with him anymore. I only have to see him once in a great while. I know that he probably won't contact me for a few weeks.

Are you married? This is the reason I'm asking... Once I focused my attention on DH the way I used to, I didn't crave the attention from MM so much. Now we're practically having a second honeymoon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:33am
Nice to meet you too!

Yes, I work with him. He didn't come out and say anything to me until I had my 'going away' party one night (I got laid off). Then once I was not working, he really poured it on using IM at home. He would contact me all the time. (I really didn't like it - felt it was way too much.) He sent me fantasies and I didn't want to go there, but then found myself saying, 'well, I've never done anything like this, let me see if I can write one...'

Yes, I am married and have been for 19yrs (in Aug). Things are good between us, yes there are some things I would change if I could but I can't. One of the biggest is that my husband is not affectionate. And I've told him for the last 3 years (well I gave up this year I think) - we have good sex, but it's not passionate. I've never had passionate feelings for my h. I think that's why I fell for this guy. I've never felt anything like this before.

When I first met MM, I did throw alot into my marriage. He was loving it. But it was all me, and actually after about a year of it my h told me that he just doesn't want sex every night (I do!) So I told him that I would stop initiating it. Well, a few days can go by now....I'm 41 and at my sexual peak, too.

My MM told me it's not just a sexual thing for him. I just don't know what to think sometimes with him. I've told him I wanted to go to bed and he said he wouldn't go that far. So part of me says then I should just get out. Cuz what is he really after? I am always too afraid to just come out and ask him the tough questions.

How long was you A and how did you end it?







iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 5:42pm
Dear ssum1special,


I am a mw and have been having an affair for 10mo. and I want to stop it but i dont know how when i am always thinking abot him. He is a friend of the family so he is in my every day life. I have not told anyone about this so i have noone to talk to i cant even tell my cousleor. I am happy u were able to make the brake do u have any ideas for me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 10:49pm
Once in a Sienfeld episode, one of the characters said that in order for some couples to break up, it's like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it all on the first shove, but once you rock it a few times, it may fall over. That's a silly way to put it, but kind of true. I ended it so many times...only to go back because I missed him. What I missed was not really him, but the attention he gave me. So I had to ask myself over and over... Why did I crave his attention? And little by little I tried to see him for who he really was, not for who I wanted him to be. What really did it for me though was imagining myself divorced from my husband. OK, now I'm free. Now, picture MM single too. Would I want him? The answer is no. I don't want a man who cheats on his wife and thinks it's OK. He isn't a good husband. Let's face it, these are habits. As soon as I became Mrs.MM, I would face the same fate as his current wife. He doesn't give her the attention she deserves. He's cut himself off from her emotionally. That bit of daydreaming had me running back into my DH's arms. I realize that I have been neglecting our marriage. I haven't been here emotionally. I have a lot to make up for and I feel really guilty. I wish I could take it all back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:03am
First, the letter is perfect. I want to be where you are - but at the same time I'm not ready. My MM and I did sleep together. Sex with my husband was satisfying and I thought it was perfect but sex with my MM is amazing - he has taught me a lot and that is so hard to give up. He is very attentive and intense and he never wants to have sex unless we have a minimum of 2 hours - sigh - okay - time to quit thinking about it. NOT actually having sex is a GOOD thing. For the obvious reasons AND because it is so hard to stop when it is so great.

Second, Seinfeld can be so wise ;)! It is like knocking over a Coke machine - great analogy.

About European men - great article in June Oprah about them. I'm living here and it is true. Being here has done wonders for my self image. Great book is also "an Italian Affair" by Laura Fraser.