A letter from the W you called...
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| Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:25pm |
Hello. I've been a lurker around here for a while and I want to start off by saying I'm not a troll and while it may seem strange to some of you, I don't harbor any ill will toward any of you. I am just a BS who has something to say. I've read through some of the boards and seen many people bash those OW/OM who had the "audacity" to call the W/H. I've unfortunately been on the receiving end of one of those calls, and while I cn't bring myself to call or write the OW back, I ask that you read the letter I would've sent, had I had the nerve. Maybe it will be helpful to you as well. Here it goes:
Dear Ms. OW,
Should I call you dear? I guess so since it's what my H seemed to call you. Maybe I just said it out of some old common courtesy lesson that was drilled into my head long ago, along with the notion of how a woman should carry herself, or how a wife should treat her husband. Or maybe I offer it up to you because after researching your R with my H, that title no longer belongs to me in this world.
The day you called my home and made it just a house, I hated you. I loathed you and wished that with every word out of your lips, you were sucking your last breath of oxygen. I had dreams of you collapsing and dying at the end of the conversation. in fact, I imagined that you had just been shot or given a fatal dose of poison and you were using your last living minutes to cleanse your soul before meeting your maker. Honestly, the only way to go on after what you told me was to make believe you wouldn't exist anymore afterwards. Sort of like, "this harlot will self destruct in 10...9...8..." But you and I both know now that was just silly.
Thinking back on it later, I realized that while we still could never be friends, you have been the best friend to me out of all my H's associates yet, maybe even a better friend than my H. Don't misunderstand - I don't naively think that you did this out of some altruistic consideration for my feelings. I'm not that blind. But what you did was set me free. You gave me the truth which neither he, nor his buddies who smiled in my face and covered for him, ever gave me. You gave me the chance to face reality and finally take back my right to make decisions. I now know what is going on and I have the CHOICE to decide what to do. If I stay, it's not because I'm disillusioned and naive....it's because I CHOSE to stay. If I leave, it's not based on "what if's" or "could he have's?" It's based on solid, concrete facts and an educated CHOICE.
You see, the thing I missed more than the love, affection, or time my H took away from me was the CHOICE I used to have. I chose to marry him. I chose to have children with him. but I didn't choose to be his W while you were there waiting in the wings. You brought CHOICE back into my relationship. By making that call and opening my eyes, you made me aware of choices I was not being allowed to make and emboldened me to make better choices in the future.
So, while I could never say this to your face...I don't hate you. I don't despise you or even count you as an enemy any longer. I just thank you for stepping out from the lies long enough to let me know that all was not as it seemed. I thank you for giving me the necessary information to help me toward recovery and higher self-esteem. I thank you for stepping up and validating that I was seeing a change in him, instead of letting me go on believing I was just clingy, jealous, and "crazy" as he insisted. I thank you for also exposing him as less of a man than I deserve. Thank you.
If you choose to keep him, that is your choice to make. But I hope you take into account that the conversation we had could very easily turn into a phone call you receive years down the road. Hopefully, the love you placed so much effort into doesn't leave you thanking another woman for givng you back your choices in the future. God bless.
Mrs. STBX

Let me ask you something...would you have rather the OW not have called you? I have always wondered if telling my xMM's spouse everything was the right thing to do. I would never do it, because I don't really think it is my place, but I do know that she does not know the entire truth, she never has. Do you think it would help her to make a better choice? I still know that I wouldn't tell her, but I am just curious.
Injured,
I, too, have wondered this same thing over and over. I have no desire at all to ruin his life or destroy his family. He chose to stay and try. But I have always wondered if he can truly try if he is not completely honest with her. I feel that he has NOT given her a fair choice. He told her at one point that he met someone and has feelings for them but has denied anything further. He said she told him that if he told her that we were "friends" she would hire an attorney.
How can he fairly repair the marriage if she doesn't know what needs to be repaired? Especially since he still tells me he loves me. Constantly.
Part of me thinks by not knowing she will not have to endure the pain. But it isn't fair to take that choice away from her.
I can't imagine ever doing that...calling her. But I would be lying if I didn't say I haven't thought about it. Or sending an anonymous letter with enough facts that she can put two and two together herself.
Ultimately I could not hurt him like that but I do often think that if I were in her shoes I would have wanted to know.
I appreciate your sharing here. It is much food for thought.
Billie
Did you spend time trying to work things out with him? I often wonder
how long it takes to make a decision to stay or go. My EMA ended 6 months
ago and I still have many days when I miss him like crazy. I haven't been
on this board for a few months, but it really helps when I return to it.
I'm sorry to see so many new people on here. We sure are a large group of fools.
maria
Injured1, thank you for a BS post without any pointing fingers at the people on this board walking through ending their affairs. Yours is one of the most mature posts I've ever read or listened to from a BS.
I believe that most affair participants use some form of mental blocking to no think about the MM or MW's spouse. Or the chance that the BS really doesn't have horns or snort fire or or or.....
I hope that you are able to use your new-found choice for the benefit of your children and future relationships. Your willingness to be civil can do a lot to help your children through major upheaval.
You may find additional input, if you're interested, on the All Sides Board, which is where BS's, current and former AP's are encouraged to dialogue. For a strictly BS slant, the Betrayed Spouses board is also available.
Again, thank you for a mature post without finger pointing. I
I'm glad that you understand the problems in your marriage have so much more to do with you and him than with you and her. I always thought it was pretty strange to hear how when people find their spouses/partners in bed with another that the tendency is to take it out on the other person instead of their partner.