Letter to XMM

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Letter to XMM
4
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:41pm
Dear XMM,

Here is what I want to say to you. I realize now that you and I have different definitions of what friendship means. I accept that and realize that that's OK. I pick my friends very carefully so realizing I trusted the wrong person is pretty hard. It is always heartbreaking to lose a friend, especially in times of crisis when you need them the most.

I couldn't be more disappointed by you, not only as a friend, but also as a man. How little responsibility you took for the situation. That is amazing to me. You completely left the entire burden on my shoulders. I would say that the ONE thing you have given me is that I realize how tremendously strong I am. So thanks for that.

I wish I could wish you the best, but I don't really. And that's OK too. My anger will fade. My memories of you are already gone because I realize how it was all imaginary. I swear, if I never have to listen to another one of your work stories, I won't miss it a bit. Did I mention how boring you are?

That's all I wanted to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to:
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:58pm
I hope your letter made you feel better! That's what it's about now -- it's about doing things to nurture & support you, not to convince another person of anything, you know that right?

I think if you focus on that, you'll be fine. It hurts like heck right now but time is your friend. Hang in there!

I'm 14 mos. "affair free" and never happier!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:57am
In my fantasy world, I would actually send this letter to him and "convince" him of all that is true for me. In the real world, where I am very much trying to live, I realize that this is just MY truth, my side of the story. He probably has a very different take on it and it would be a complete waste of time to try to get him to understand my side. I'm glad that there is a safe place to post these messages and my letter because I really want to get it out of my head and hopefully get to a place where I can release all this.

I am so glad to hear that you are affair-free and really happy. It gives me hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

-real

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 7:50pm
i could have written your letter! i have drafted so many like it, it's unbelieveable. I never sent my letters but i did have a calm confrontation with him a week ago that said many of the things that you said in your letter. it was tough, but the words came out easily because i had practiced them in my head so many times. at one point, i couldn't believe i was actually saying these things to him! i was calm and caring. i didn't yell or scream. i was me. unbelievable, true and honest me--the me that xMM fell in love with! The one that is not afraid to say how she feels and that has a zest and love for life!

he listened, was contrite, told me he deserved what he got. he felt bad. I can't worry about what he will do--if anything about that conversation, as far as learning from it and treating people better in his life--but that is really beside the point. All i know, is that since i did this a week ago, i have felt a tremendous burden lifted.

Not everyone needs to be "heard" or do this, but i did. I really feel it started my turnaround--as i have been deeply depressed for some time now, as i allowed xMM to take so much of my self esteem away.

I will NEVER EVER let anyone do that to me again!

Clarice

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:42pm
Clarice,

Good for you in reclaiming your self esteem! The confrontation sounds like a very powerful moment. I remember that feeling, of feeling strong, calm, SANE. I haven't had that since pretty much the moment I started my A.

I also really related to how "your speech" just tumbled out because you had practiced it so much in your head. I have been doing that too. Probably to an obsessive-compulsive degree, but fantasizing about what I would say and how I could reclaim myself is very comforting right now. I hope I can figure out what will be the best way to actually do that. You know, even if he did call me, I really don't know what I would say right now or how to react. So as much as I REALLY WANT him to call me, I guess it's best that he doesn't. I will just keep posting my "letters" here until my path becomes clear.

Hugs,

Real