Letting go of the hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Letting go of the hope
7
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 12:12am
I deleted all of his numbers out of my cell today.
Last night I had the realization that we will never be together, that he will never leave his W.
I don't know how many of you remember my story...I ended the A a few months ago, but I have been hanging onto the hope that someday we will be together. Last night I let it go and I feel miserable.
How do you cope with the pain and realization of letting that last final hope for a future together go??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 12:54am

U_S,

hang in there, i think u have done the right thing, u are on your journey to beng a better person, i wish and hope i have the same resolve as yours, everynite i ask for courage to let go of the same same hope u are talking about, hope the OW and I will be together

i cannot imagine your emotions but i salute you, u have my respect and i think u have gain your own self respect in yourself, i am trying to also let go, i know in time i will be able to let go and the hope will eventually die and we all can move on

thanks for sharing,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:26am

US

You Cry untel your done, you enforce total no contact then your start to heal, YOU WILL HEAL no contact gives you the distance you need to do that.

Vent your emotions here or with trust worthy friends try not to bottle them up.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:47am

Sad,

I don't know the answer to how to let go of the hope. I am looking for it myself. I guess all we can really go on is what others here who have BTDT tell us. Survive has said it very well: our MM will never be as close to leaving W as they were when it ended. As much as they feel they love us & want to be with us, their choice has been made. Even if they regret it, they made it.

I have 13 VM's I have saved over the past 5 months or more. I am working up the nerve to delete them just like you did. Tonight I did something really, really stupid. I never, NEVER drink. Only on rare social occasions and even those happen only a couple times a year. I have never been drunk...ever.... He calls me to talk still, even though we only visit for a few minutes. Long story but his family had to go out of town yesterday for his son's athletic event. He told me to call him and say hi. Like an idiot I called last night and got direct VM. Phone was not on. Left a neutral message but called again this a.m. Left another message. He called this afternoon and said he would call me tonight after they got home.

I have had this bottle of wine a co-worker gave me for Christmas. Well, I opened the thing and downed half of it (over a couple of hours but for me that did it). When he called I was not on my guard and feeling just a little pissy. I know I made him feel like crap and I know he is worried about me. I was pretty catty.

I DON'T want to be like that. The past couple of days I have been effective at "faking it." Almost had myslef convinced. Then this.

All I can tell you is you aren't the only one holding out hope. I think it must be part of the grieving process. I have decided that we can't stifle our feelings, and much like mourning a death, we have to go through the phases. Including denial. Then we move on.

NC will not be possible, at least as far as occasional work contact goes. But we CAN stop all other contact.

I think in order to let go of the hope we have to really let ourselves look at the reality that hope is empty and allow ourselves to grieve. If we stifle it we don't move to the next phase. So, grieve the loss of hope then get out there and stay as busy as possible. Fill your life with things you enjoy, even if you don't want to. That is what I am doing. And NC. MM told me, after a pitiful conversation that I hope I don't remember in the morning, that he felt terrible and was really worried about me and that he didn't want to get into anything tonight but wanted to really talk to me tomorrow.

I am not going to answer the phone. I AM NOT!

Hang in there, Sad. From what others have posted, we will have ups and downs but if we do the right things the downs will gradually decrease and the ups will increase.

((Hugs))
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:56am

Hi Sad...

Sounds to me like you've accepted the hope is gone, its just dealing with the saddness of that realization. The best thing to do is stay busy. The first few days that wave of despair hits you and there really isn't much to do except let it run its course. In some ways its like the beginning again. I pushed the thoughts away as soon as they came as best as I could. Try not to "think" about it. Maybe its a form of denial, but after some time passes and I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on it, it seemed to lose its power over me.

The fact that you've accepted it is HUGE. You deleted things...out of sight will be out of mind. It doesn't seem like it now, but there will be a day that you will wake up and it won't be the first thought to greet the new day with. You will be able to make it thru a day without him being on your mind. That is if you continue to accept that the hope is gone.

Try to do something for yourself, pamper yourself.

I know that realization is a hurt all on its own. But you have made it this far, you can let it go completely and find peace again. Its waiting for you, if you want it enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 10:37am


U/S

So he still hasn't left his wife yet? Actions speak louder than words honey! I'm sorry. Please have NC with him, you are worth so much more. In my opinion hope= hurt. I hoped for my guy too. I hoped he was sh*t or get off the pot and he got off the pot but I think he's either on his way back to her or onto someone else. Made big promises and now it's all crap. I 'hoped' it would be different but like someone told me once here on the boards, a tiger never changes his stripes. Having hope holds you back. I did it for a while. I hoped he would realize how wonderful I was and how happy he would be with me if he took me back then I made the decision that it wasn't his decision. The last time we talked was Jan 21 when he said he thought he could have happy times with his wife again but he needed more time. Said he wanted to talk to me about some of the things he had figured out in his head. I told him I wasn't a doormat to be walked on again, 2 times was enough. I said 'Good luck and goodbye R******!' I hung up before he could respond. It felt so good. Still I had hope after but each day talking to the awesome people I realized I was hoping for my fantasy to happen. that's no realistic. You have the strength in you to do this. We all do. You need to decide to embrace that strength and live with your head held high.
Good luck and come back when you need to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:56am

Dear US:

I "let go" of the hope and took it back thousands of times, day after day for over a year since my A ended. During long periods of NC and during short periods of C when I could see AGAIN that he was still 'on the fence' but actually even farther away from me than before because our A was over and he had betrayed our 'true love'

The PAIN got me to give up little by little. I finally figured out that holding on to the HOPE did not give me HIM. This is true. Hoping will not bring him to you. What hope will do is cause you pain and suffering every day, it will cause you to not let go and not move on with and enjoy your life, it will cause you to live in a world in your head all day every day day after day (a painful sad world) instead of living in your real life.

By giving up HOPE you have chosen TO LIVE. You won't regret this choice.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 2:09pm

I'm a work in progress I think. Some days are so good and others I feel like I haven't made any progress. I do want to choose life over hope. I'm hoping for something that will never be. I guess time will get me there where I need to be. Not seeing him at work is really helping. I just really really hope that one day he'll want me back so I can tell him no way.
LilRocket