letting go of what never was...........
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| Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:55am |
I managed to cantact OM again, on my bday. to thank him for the Candy he bought me before he left work that day. I was so tickled that he came through my line, I'm a cashier, It was just something small. and he wished me a Happy Bday. So I went home and emailed him, and asked him if hed play a game of pool online that evening. And we did.
I relize after reading some of your post that I need to stop persuing this poor guy. Hes not going to give in and I don't want to ruin the friendship we have developed. I know I need to work on my marriage and I'm definately not able to with him on my mind. And at the rate I'm going Im going to regret doing something more.
Does anyone know what the difference between being attracted and totally crazy about someone and being obsessed with someone??????? In other words how do I know IF I am obsessed with him. To give you some info, I know where he lives, I've driven by his house, I even found his email address out before he actually gave it to me. I sometimes meet him at work when I know hes getting out. I actually was there today when he parked. I sometimes feel like I am in love him, only because when I think about him leaving work, (which he will) It brings me to tears.

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My situation is sort of similar in some ways to yours and not at all in others…but I too need to know how to let go of what never was. I don't really have any advice, but am more or less looking for someone to give both of ussome guidance. And since no one has responded, I’m hoping with a bump in the thread…we can get some advice from the other, wiser folks around here. ;-)
A little background on my situation…I won’t bore you all with the details, lets just say I posted to the All Sides Board (key that I posted there, and not on the My Affair Support board, I guess I knew I didn’t just want approval and justification) awhile back wondering if there was such a thing as a “one-sided A” & was overwhelmed with responses saying, “Oh wow. You are in an emotional A,” (My MM and I have never actually SAID how we feel about each other…so I felt like it was one-sided). We worked together for a year and he has since moved to a new location a 10 hours away from me & we haven’t seen each other in over a year, though we talk every week. I felt like I was destined to be with him, and that we’d met for a reason. I imagined my life with him, etc, etc …you all know how it goes I am sure.
I have decided for several reasons—needing to work on my M, needing to work on MYSELF, and as long as I'm being TOTALLY honest) mostly needing to quit wondering if I was looking an idiot b/c I didn’t “really” know where he stood—that I needed to quit thinking about my MM in “that” way…but to be honest, I’m not sure WHAT exactly to do since it was never an actual A that either of us admitted.
I have made small steps towards letting go…removing him from my IM list (though I have added him several times to see if he’s online & removed him again right after) and deleting most of the emails he’s sent me. I also have had a small success with NC all of last week and so far this week (it seems small, but I was really proud of myself, even marked it on my calendar on Friday).
My problem is that I work with him on projects from time to time, so I KNOW that I will have to have contact with him sooner or later…and we did have a good friendship so I miss talking things over with him. He is truly overextended at work right now and has actually been out of town for a few days so I don’t think he has noticed the NC, but I know eventually he is going to realize we haven’t spoken in awhile and ask me where I’ve been. I plan on telling him I’m just trying to be respectful of his time since he IS so busy at work….but I am worried I will slip back into the “old” thoughts, etc when I talk to him again.
I am having a difficult time keeping my thoughts away from him and NOT sitting here yearning to talk to him…..and mostly wondering if he felt the same way (not sure why, but for some reason I have convinced myself knowing woudl make it easier t let go), and if he’s noticed that we haven’t spoken in awhile. It is just really hard to "let go" and have NC, when I don't know whe the next time he's going to call or IM me. And I CAN'T say to him (as much as I'd like to), "I've developed inappropriate feelings for you and we need to have NC," because it would effect too many things at work for me. I WANT to get over this, doing the NC thing has ben very enlightening for me, I'm available to my H more, kids more, etc bc I'm not thinking about him as much...but its been SO hard, I want to cry sometimes. I just don't know how to entirely let go & get over this.
Any help or advice on letting go of what really never was an A??
Edited 3/9/2005 12:57 pm ET ET by sam12005
My A was an ea for 6 months before ic and then lasted another 2 years. My xmm used to tell me there are no happy endings in this. He knew because he had done this before. It was too late for me by that time. Stop while you can. I figured out that I used xmm to avoid dealing with a lot of issues that I didn't want to have to face. He also made me feel sexy since my H dosen't have much interest in sex anymore. When you are obsessing over om what should you really be doing?
I am still struggling, after 3 weeks of nc he sent me an email today asking how I am. Of course I answered, keeping it general and impersonal. It has set me back though because I have checked my email all day to see if he would answer me.....
Yea, I know I’m in an EA. Everything you say is right, and it exactly what I heard when I first posted that made me finally realize & admit to myself that I WAS in an EA. That’s why I (on my end anyway) started NC last Monday….but its just so hard (as I type that I know there are others I’ve read on this board who were involved in full fledged As that have it FAR worse than me, makes me feel stupid for even complaining about it) because I never had any type of confirmation of his feelings.
I had signs, lots of them, but never anything concrete…not sure WHAT exactly I wanted, but it seems that all the wondering and not knowing has finally overwhelmed me and I KNOW I need to let go of all of it because I was not “present” in my life with my family.
Honestly, I think it might be better that I never “really” knew for sure….because all I have to do now is get rid of the “what if” scenarios I have built in my head and concentrate on my family….I just dread (and also yearn for) the day he calls again. I know its best to sever the tie in all the ways I can, but there is still that shred of hope that he WILL notice & he WILL call and miss me…..I am SO confused.
My head knows stopping these feelings is what I NEED desperately to do to be sane again, but I would so love SOME sort of validation….but when I think about it, I don’t want it enough to make the move and ask or lose my M. I know I have to stop thinking about him….thanks for your support & letting me get this out there, just putting words to it helps.
love2b--I have a feeling we are not alone. Thank you for making me feel like I am not the only one going thru this.
And my OM is just like that too. We have constant contact, everyday for a week & all of a sudden he grows distant and (since we also work together) because he has TONS of work to do (which he actually DOES have, sometimes 12-14 hour days but I always seem to take it personally). And I know I said in another reply that I want to "know for sure," but when I sit back and think about it...the "signs" are there for me, he wanted me to move to work with him again, says constantly that we WILL see each other again and he has "his ears open" for ANY positions where he is for me whether its working with him or not, when we DID work in the same place he winked at me, made comments about his wife not being as attentive as I was, comments about how we should go do _____ after work sometime, how we should get our spouses together so they'd leave us alone, etc, etc, etc...but I always feel like maybe I'm making things up to be more in my head since I was attracted to him, but when I posted to the All Sides board about what was going on I was OVERWHELMED with the strength of the responses saying that there WAS something going on.
I think it’s just the fact that nothing has ever been declared (how Romeo & Juliet does THAT sound?) that I'm hung up on. And as I said in that other reply, maybe it’s for the best for both of us. Hopefully the letting go will be easier….hopefully….
Once you are in so deep you stop caring about anything else. After 3 weeks of nc I am starting to see the light. Then today he emailed I was proud I emailed back professionally then a collegue had us discuss an issue the phone call turned into him saying he missed me, loved hearing my voice and wanting to know if I missed him too. Also there is an upcoming out of town meeting. I am so pathetic I am so tempted and don't know that I could tell him no.....
ladies,
OM only wants one thing .... have his cake and eat it also, we all know it,in the end they will go back to W and kids
im sorry but its the truth
max
:(
jmho
Ladies
Max is right.
Sam you need to stop the romantic type thinking R & J please, sounds more like A PLAYER and his plaything, if he is\was making suggestions about getting together afterwork you know full well he was looking for a bit of A$$, and the idea about getting your spouses together suggests he has done this before and knows how to manipulate people.
NO PERSONAL CONTACT, work related contact only when it cannot be avoided then try to keep it in the channel of e-mail or via third parties.
You have know idea the hell your going to unleash on yourself in the future if you were to let this continue, affairs are a fire that burns for years to come and has no mercy for you children or spouses just because they did not deserve to have the lives destroyed to satisify there parents "SELFISHNESS".
This may sound harsh but it barely touchs the truth.
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