letting go of what never was...........
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:55am |
I managed to cantact OM again, on my bday. to thank him for the Candy he bought me before he left work that day. I was so tickled that he came through my line, I'm a cashier, It was just something small. and he wished me a Happy Bday. So I went home and emailed him, and asked him if hed play a game of pool online that evening. And we did.
I relize after reading some of your post that I need to stop persuing this poor guy. Hes not going to give in and I don't want to ruin the friendship we have developed. I know I need to work on my marriage and I'm definately not able to with him on my mind. And at the rate I'm going Im going to regret doing something more.
Does anyone know what the difference between being attracted and totally crazy about someone and being obsessed with someone??????? In other words how do I know IF I am obsessed with him. To give you some info, I know where he lives, I've driven by his house, I even found his email address out before he actually gave it to me. I sometimes meet him at work when I know hes getting out. I actually was there today when he parked. I sometimes feel like I am in love him, only because when I think about him leaving work, (which he will) It brings me to tears.

Pages
KC,
i know how u feel, i too struggle all the time, day to day, so i just live my life now day to day and i fight it all the time, i get setbakcs here and there and i fight again until i will win
your kid and H needs u now more than ever, give them the love and attention they deserve and i return u will get it back, u are lucky ( my opinion) that u have your H and kid/s, i dont have neither, im alone but still i try to get up and learn from my affair
the pain is realy, the emotions are real but the affair is not, its all in our mind, a fantasy we created for whatever reason we have at that time and now we know that it will never come true, its not a dream, its just a fantasy we build in our mind and our mind fooled our hearts into thinking it is real
feel the pain of your heart healing
max
still struggling just like everyone here
I can't beleive that what I had with OM only started 4 mons ago. In some ways I guess I am lucky. But to think how sick I feel about him, I can only imagine the pain everyone else feels from years of being with the other person.
I told my DH about the EA and we agreed to counselling. He has started to want to talk about it and I have been as open as possible. We stayed up late talking last night and I explained how hurt I was that I hurt him so much. We go in circles about whether he caused me to go astray or whether it was my fault. I tend to think I am a the crazy one. Sure there was a void that needed filling, but I took action. I got caught up in emotion and i don't think OM is nearly affected as I am.....as you say, letting go of what never was. But it was so built up in my head and heart and now letting go is so hard and seeing my husband's hurt is so hard, and even harder is that after I see his hurt, I still think about OM. How sick. My brain just doesn't stop and I don't know what I want. My head tells me work things out with H. My heart says go call OM (EVEN THOUGH HE WONT PICK UP YOUR CALLS) or show up at his door step ..how sick of me. and then I feel terrible about my H.
The biggest thing that is obsessing me today is the fact that I am hiding the PA from my H. I really beleived as did my T that telling him about the physical is just an additional burden he doesnt need to know. He is hurting so much as it is, and that causing more pain will simply be cruel. But as I sit there talking with him and he says that we will get through it, and he says that at least we are being so honest...I feel like more of a b***h. I feel like he should know it all. My T says that until he asks me point blank if there was physical I am technically not lying. But I know that is bull****. If I have already told him so much, he assumes that I have told him all. Then I am lying...
At the same time as I write all this, I am thinking about OM too. I want to know how he is able to be so strong about this. How is he able to not contact me? How is he able to not return my calls? Was he just using me? or was there a connection? if so, why is it so easy for him to get over me?
I know that last paragraph is wrong. I have to get rid of those thoughts. but that is exactly how my brain is playing tricks on me.
Edited 4/14/2005 1:42 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
SP
""I know that last paragraph is wrong. I have to get rid of those thoughts. but that is exactly how my brain is playing tricks on me.""
Now is the time you need to say NO MORE this is as far as it goes, if you CHOOSE to stand fast and not give ground to these thoughts you will beat them, cave now and your on the road to the end of your marriage, refuse to cave and your on yourway to a stronger YOU and a stronger marriage.
As for XOM MANY but not all of the men that involved with married women there there mainly for the MEAT and the THRILL, most women are different they need to get a emotional connection before they have an Affair so it is easier for most of them to walk away unburned. He invested/risked NOTHING way should he feel anything walking away.
JMHO
Free
Free- as always you are right. Would I accomplish anything by saying to him that I believe he messed with me? Could I yell at him or send a nasty email. Would that help me heal....I need to find another emotion to direct at OM other than hurt and lust. Maybe that would help me move on? I know your answer....but I need it to be reiterated loud and clear
Does anyone have suggestions of waht to do when these thoughts and emotions don't stop racing?
love2b—I know EXACTLY what you mean about the obsessing. That ALONE was enough to make me begin NC. Once I realized potentially how pathetic I was acting (even if it WAS in my own head), I couldn’t believe I was doing it. I am not a person who usually obsesses over ANYthing, let alone a man (before I met DH anyway). Then I realized that I was unable to really work on my M and myself if I had my identity wrapped up in “what-ifs” and “could-bes” with OM. All that being said….I DO still wonder at times if….(as you said)
But I am MUCH better able to put it out of my head with NC than before. And you’re right, it IS an embarrassing feeling, which is why I decided I had to stop, for my own sanity (though, again, that is easier said than done).
jstmekc—DON’T DO IT! I know I am not exactly the voice of reason since I re-started this thread. But really, just don’t go there. At his point I am not certain I could say that if OM and I went to and “out of town meeting” and he tried something with me I could be strong…but since you KNOW its coming up & it’s a temptation…prepare yourself and don’t put yourself in a situation where anything can happen. Just like my family needs me, yours sounds like they need you more than ever right now….if lurking on these boards has done anything for me it has shown me that this is NOT the road I want to go down. There is just too much pain contained in these messages. I started on the My Affair Support board & have finally decided HERE, the ENDING board is where I need to be. Listen to Free & max, they know what they are talking about.
And the biggest realization I have come to over the last 2 months of reading these boards is one that sounds like it might apply to you as well (with all the stuff gong on in your life & with your family)….we CANNOT escape our lives. It’s what we have, it’s what we signed up for and it’s up to US to change it. Not our H, not the OM, not ANYONE but US….and if we are obsessing over someone else, we cannot take the time to focus on changing our lives to something we will be proud of.
Spanishtrain—ditto everything you said about feeling ridiculous for calling even though he won’t pick up the calls, etc, etc. As love2b said, it’s embarrassing. And as far as that “last paragraph” goes, I can TOTALLY relate. It’s very difficult to stop thinking about someone and something that has not only been consuming the majority of your thoughts for so long, but has been the intense kinds of thoughts an A generates IMO. I am starting to overcome that, but and far from there…..
Free—I know you are right. And I know/hope that I am able to continue the NC for as long as possible (stopping only for work related contact, and taking your suggestion to do as much of it as possible via email). And the funny thing is that I never really thought about it as an A b/c nothing ever came of the “going out after work” (he didn’t do that even with other managers, let alone his employees—he keeps work & social VERY separate…but possibly b/c he might have known something WOULD happen if we went out…who knows). But you are right (I’ve been reading for a month or 2 & you always are).…the post you had with the long quote/article about adultery was inspiring to me. And with the PRIDE in myself I feel about starting the NC and actually sticking with it this time…I don’t want to let myself or my FAMILY down. I just have to have faith in myself I guess….
WHEW….and finally I want to thank you all for listening to my (probably very) confusing ramblings, and I am hoping someone answers spanishtrain’s last question:
I think all three of us could use some suggestions…if not how to stop the emotions & thoughts, but how to DEAL with them internally. What kind of self-talk helps when we feel weak and are plagued by “wondering” about the OM? Wondering if he misses us? Wondering if there ever WAS anything there or if we just imagined it in our heads (for me & love2b)?
Wow someone finally knows alittle what I'm going through. I'm proud of my self I haven't sent OM a email for a week. I do feel better because I am not sitting waiting for a reply from a email from him. I would email him maybe four times a week. and the wondering and hoping we could get together would really be on my mind a lot. I'm sure you know what I mean the fantasizing about a phyical relationship with him all the time would really tire me out. Any ways i was also hoping that by not emailing him that he would email me saying hi or something. so far nothing.
I work with OM too and he does know how I feel about him. and I know how he feels about me. He basically said that " If I weren't married, he knows we could go out and have a good time" and added " but you are" hes always been nothing nut nice to me. But hes hell bent on doing the right thing. by not having an affair. we did meet 2 times last summer and than he stopped it.
you said you don't know how he feels for you. I think its better that way. Because it made it even harder for me knowing that OM liked me that way too. He told me that he enjoyed going out with me but that he enjoyed it too much. and that if I left my DH that he would be the reason and he wouldn't be that guy. Knowing that he liked me made me persue him even more and made my feelings stronger for him. Well lucky for me he never caved in I am hoping we can be friends.
I too would have a difficult time keeping my thought away from him, I would go to bed thinking about him and I would wake up thinking about him. I guess what I'm telling you is you should be thankful it didn't go any further. If it had we would be in worse shape than this. I have cried over this. so dont feel bad. My OM will leave our place of work eventually to persue his career, he will be getting his bachlors soon. What made it even harder for me was thae fact that he is 22 and I am 42. I soo wanted to be with him. But I am doing well and i think you will too.
Hang in there.
My T suggested a book that I am starting to read. So far, I don't find it very helpful because the idea of self talk doesn't seem to jive with me. I feel that repeating things like "stop thinking about that" doesn't really help. I know I am trying to convince myself and I am not letting the convincing work. Maybe this book would help others though. its titled: "How to control anxiety before it controls you" by Dr. Albert Ellis. It's really more related to anxiety rather than emotional turmoil but my T says it will help with part of my problem.....just a suggestion.
I am going to go through old posts and try to gather as many articles and poems that have been posted and put them in one file. Maybe one of these will click with me and relate to my feelings close enough that if I read it when I get emotional or racing thoughts of OM and H I can read it to calm me down and prevent me from emailing, or IM'ng OM. I'm just trying to think of anything to help me move on.
Sam12 and momkitkat (and obviously Free) - thanks for sharing with me. Let's keep this thread going for as long as we need it. I know I am not alone. Your support means so much to me. thx
Even knowing all this I wish there was some way to justify being with him. But I know there isn't. It all comes down to choices and I know that this choice is really about more then one night. It is about learning to stand up for myself. I never did anything but support the xmm. I believed in him, helped him when no one else would and I guess I just got used. That really hurts. I thought there was something special between us. If I look at his actions I can see that I have made excuses for him. Time for me to grow up and face the truth but that is so much easier to say then do.
love,
hey, i play that game too, OW and i are co-workers, i hide and i walk pass her office also, its crazy, i am like a kid, its very dysfunctional, im sure when all this have pass we can look back and see how stupid and how immature we are
OM has feelings for sure, he is horny as hell and just want to have his cake and eat it also, sorry im just feeling bitter maybe, coz i think OW is having her cake and eat it also, for a guy im screwed up pretty well in the head too, just like most of the ladies here
im still looking for someone who acts like my OW so i can see her point of view, i know this type of behavior is holding me back
OM cant read your mind but he can read your body language and he will take advantage of u for some sex .... hope u are pissed off now
max
Pages