letting go of what never was...........
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| Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:55am |
I managed to cantact OM again, on my bday. to thank him for the Candy he bought me before he left work that day. I was so tickled that he came through my line, I'm a cashier, It was just something small. and he wished me a Happy Bday. So I went home and emailed him, and asked him if hed play a game of pool online that evening. And we did.
I relize after reading some of your post that I need to stop persuing this poor guy. Hes not going to give in and I don't want to ruin the friendship we have developed. I know I need to work on my marriage and I'm definately not able to with him on my mind. And at the rate I'm going Im going to regret doing something more.
Does anyone know what the difference between being attracted and totally crazy about someone and being obsessed with someone??????? In other words how do I know IF I am obsessed with him. To give you some info, I know where he lives, I've driven by his house, I even found his email address out before he actually gave it to me. I sometimes meet him at work when I know hes getting out. I actually was there today when he parked. I sometimes feel like I am in love him, only because when I think about him leaving work, (which he will) It brings me to tears.

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--Max, i hope this pisses you off too :) I'm a MW and see just how messed up our intentions can be?? Put youself in this OM shoes, which you may or may not be in. And it's not that I feel good about being this way, i'm on here to get insight into what's wrong with me. This can just show you that, Yeah i have feeling for this OM, BUT nothing that I plan on acting out or taking to a serious level. --Hope that helps you be angry enough to be strong..i know anger motivates me!
Edited 3/11/2005 6:44 am ET ET by love2bconfused2005
I don’t think you are weird....because sex has never entered my mind either, thought not for the same reasons as you. That could be b/c I feel like I could not be any more less desirable physically :-), but I am much more interested in the emotional connection with OM. I fully realize a large portion of that is simply due to my sex….I know women overall are more interested in the emotional connection than men in these relationships (after all….people on this board say things like “he only wants a piece of @$$” or “he wants to have his cake & eat it to” all the time so SOMEone agrees with that). But the fact that I am not exactly the slimmest person (I’m not repulsive or anything, but I’m definitely of the size that I really don’t think that most men would fantasize about me ;-) makes me think OM isn’t really interested in the sex either.
We like the same things and he actually reminds me of my H when he & I first met (H has changed drastically in the last 8 years to be the total opposite of what I thought he was when we met…but that’s a post for the Problem Solving for Couples board). I say things like, “I love that show too & H makes so much fun of me for watching,” and OM says, “My W does too. We should get them together so we can each watch ___ in peace.” Or we could talk for hours about nothing in particular…it’s just not about sex for either of us IMO. And that could be why nothing has ever been outright said about the connection we feel….its not necessary b/c we aren’t interested in PC (though I WILL admit I HAVE thought about kissing—but never sex—b/c I do find him attractive…just don’t think he does me) we just enjoy each other’s company & appreciate each others sense of humor/mind/opinion/etc.
I know I must sound totally naive, but I really DO NOT think it’s about the sex with my OM. To be (very) honest, I can barely make myself have sex with H b/c I feel SO unattractive with the weight I’ve gained (again…not really for this board, just trying to make my point). I DO however, think that it IS true of most OM. But I look at some of the posts max makes & know it’s not about that for all men involved in an A. He is hurting, and I very much doubt the pain he feels is b/c he is simply horny and wants to get a piece of @$$ with OW.
I have chosen to move on, but to be honest the comments about it only being about the sex for OM don’t do anything to help me “ease the pain” so to speak....
Because I have allowed these inappropriate feelings to develop I have lost a friend who I had not only an emotional connection with, but also deeply respect in terms of being my mentor at work….I have lost a lot and am almost feeling as if I am mourning that loss. I’m hurting, embarrassed that I could potentially be feeling something for someone who doesn’t reciprocate and (odd for me) feeling very unconfident in myself when I am in contact with OM b/c I want to know if he feels the connection I feel between us….and I can’t ask b/c there is too much to lose (for both of us). It just really sucks….. :-/ but I know I need to let it go. Its just SO difficult, and anger about him using me for sex doesn't really pertain to my situation.
i would have to disagree with Max on that they only want sex.. not all men are like that. Believe me I never had the actual physical part of the affair only because OM wouldn't see me out side of work. We saw each other twice last summer and than he put an end to it. we still continued to talk at work and I would email him alot. But he had every oppertunity to get with me. He commented one time when i came up to work to see if he wanted to go out, in a email, after turning me down that " he wanted to see me but I looked too good and he didn't think he could behave himself" His words. what a guy, I think that made him all the more desirable. We have since remained friends. Although I have deep emotinal feelings for this man. I have been good though not to email him for 9 days now. thats good for me.
I saw him today at work, went to get my check. He got his hair cut, short buzz cut like he wore it before I asked him to let it grow last summer which he did. What does that mean???? He smiled a big smile like he does. I didn't go through his checkout, i do usually. He looked at me and waved goodby as I left.
I was lucky not to work with him at all this week, and only one day next week. normally I would email him about his haircut but I'm not I 'm going to stay strong.
As far as my marriage does anyone here not wnat hubby to touch them. If I had my way I would not have sex at all. I 've been sleeping on the couch for a year. it seems as though too much time has passed to repair the marriage. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
Anyways thanks to all who are here listening. Sorry I went on so long. but i had to vent.
Meeeeeeeee
i just said sex coz it feel like OW only wants sex from me, now i realize it and it upsets me so much, i gave her all my time and effort, i truly cared for her and now its over and i could not believe it
she sent me a text message at 12:15 am to tell me its all over almost 5 weeks ago to this sunday
i felt like im not a human being, she treated me like i dont have any emotions, im just upset, i truly dont mean that all men want sex, sex is a important part in our lives but not the most important, we can live without it, i was just saying it to make u ladies upset so u can feel anger towards MM/OM and not feel so sad
im sorry
max
I'm new to the board, but I kind have the other end of your situation I am the OW trying an end to thing my MM, who I work with. I have to say that for myself, If it was about the sex at this point it would be so much easier, but its not. For me, while he told me that he would never leave his wife and kids,which I accepted without arguing with him, and ended the IC part of our relationship, leaving the friendship intact almost 2 months ago.
In the last two months, he has been my confident, and always supportive of me, while we are at work, when the weekend comes there is absolutely no contact, and more recently he has no problem taking off on trips without saying goodbye. I am not going to say he is a horrible person, but as friend, he refuses to go to lunch with me, and more importantly either unable or unwilling to step in when a married guy, he superivises decided to hit on me, when I was out one night in with a crowd from work.
Maybe A guy can answer this but can you honestly say that you would watch a married friend of yours hit on a single friend without saying anything? Not only that but my MM basically informs me that I can sit in the backseat with this married guy, but not in the front seat at all? I know I shouldn't have even gotten in the car, but to see how far he would go just blows my mind, not only that but refusing to step in really just made me feel like I was pimped out by him to his married friend.
I am ready to admit that staying close contact with my MM, has only seemed to hurt me, which is why I am trying to get NC going so I can move on. No the relationship is not about sex, but maybe the possibility is what has driven it. It is hard, but I think that if I can get through each day with NC, I will be a step closer to moving on. Anyways the messages I've read have definitely made me feel more normal with this whole situation since I can't really talk to anyone.
hi gal79,
im gonna chime in, friends at work dont have to go to lunch all the time, maybe he does not want to go to lunch with u
as to if a a married friend hits on a single person, would i say anything, personally, it depends if this person is just a friend from work, depending of what sort of friendship level u have, i would not say anything coz its not my business , it depends actually
try to go out with single guys, im sure there are a lot of single men available in your area
NC is realy the best way, but if u work with MM then it is hard, i know how hard that is
take care, im sorry i have none to add right now, im also in a mess myself
max
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