Letting the thoughts creep in...
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| Wed, 10-14-2009 - 11:16pm |
So here I am, NC day 12, feeling good, reading stuff here, etc. and I can't help but think of him. Things we said, things we did, things we talked about, all the times I thought he was the One, and I just feel sad and sick. My birthday was earlier this week and since I blocked him from my email, which is usualy how he breaks NC, I don't know whether he tried to contact me and that makes me feel like this really, truly is the end. I feel ready for all this sh*t to be over with but I can't help feeling sad. And angry with myself. Why did I allow him to keep coming back?!? Why did I continue the A after I got married?! I feel ill when I think of all the lies, the alibis, missing putting my kids to bed so I could see my xAP. Letting him into my HOME (once) this past year. Why did I do all that for so long? And if my xAP was my soulmate, why did I marry my H?
I'm also feeling defeated because the longest we went with NC was 8 months when I was pg and the only reason he broke it was to send me an email to let me know he knew I was a mom. And I STUPIDLY worked to mend things because I felt I couldn't live knowing he hated me and that's how it ended. So when will I be in the clear? Do years have to pass??
Does this ever really end or will I always have a black mark on my soul and be haunted by the memory of him? It's strange to think about never speaking to him again, not knowing him, wondering what he's doing or where he's living, if he had kids, if he got married and if he loves that woman more than he loved me.
As someone posted, I thought I was driving through the fog with my fog lights on but right now I feel like someone broke one of them. I do NOT want to get sucked back into that fog but I'm definitely not in the clear yet.
Thanks for letting me vent.

I was looking for an old post and came across your post. Sorry no one respond.
HAPPY Belated BIRTHDAY. So sorry that I'm so late :(
Wish I would have come across this sooner!
<> It does end but the memories will always be there. If you do the soul searching, and find out the "whys" it is easier to understand all that happened. Understanding helped me put many things to rest and have peace. I pray you will find the same.
Big, big hugs,,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hey gal,
I really could feel your pain and frustration as I read your post.
Hi.....
I so know how you feel...and i understand and relate to what you are going thru.
I know how you feel too. Focus on whats good about no A. No secrets, etc. I think being disgusted with yourself is also good. It may keep you from doing it again.
And watch movies and see friends that are happily married. It may give you a new 'dream' to strive too. (you are married?)
My A and I are both working on our marriages. Honestly, I'm mostly ok now, even though I miss him. I'm praying he gets his marriage on track cause if that call comes that its over, I'm not sure how I'd react. We are truely perfect for eachother, but the whole package, his ex W, his kids, my kids, not sure its worth it.
I kind of think, in a weird way, if its meant to be, years later it will be somehow. So I'm taking my energy out of it and leaving it in the hands of a higher power I guess.
I realize my energy has to be given to my spouse or we don't stand a chance.
jocelyn, thanks for your post. I too dont know what I would do if xAP called and said his marriage was over. We are both trying to work on our home life but I havent had to concentrate on my marriage for so long that I forgot about what work it needed. Now I am trying to determine what made me have the affair in the 1st place, what I wasnt getting out of my marriage and to remember that my H is truely a great guy. He doesnt deserve what I did to him, nor do my kids. I try to look at the upcoming holidays and put my whole heart and effort into my family.
I too missed out on so many moments with my kids. I missed baseball and soccer games, I was late to school functions, I made up reasons why I had to leave for an hour or two. Had I put that same effort into my home life as I did my A, maybe getting my marriage back wouldnt be this difficult. I am thankful that my H doesnt know about the affair, although xAP's did find out. His marriage was so broken to begin with and mine wasnt.
Its a dark and thick fog. I know it will get better and I am begging for God to help me, my marriage and my H, who also needs to deal with some of his own demons. But I am trying to remind myself that the life I have at home has 2 great kids, a husband that would never cheat on me, and a network of friends that I have kept at arms length for over a year.
Thanks to all of you who are helping me through this via your posts. It makes me feel like I am not alone.
Many thanks.
Yes...for me I decided to tell H that I had an EA with someone. I felt that I had to. For a few reasons. First, in case the A's wife ever decided to tell and if for whatever reason gossip got back to my H. I was making myself sick over the fear.
So no, I didn't give all the details but I think for years I had begged H to work more on our m and he had pushed me away saying we'd just never be happy. Always finding reasons why I wasn't what he wanted. Plus we had pretty much no sex life. Of course the A was crazy about me, and that in and of itself was so addicting. And in the 15 months, there was not a minute of 'down' that I've been hearing about from some stories. I think H I'm sure was hurt and doesn't really want to talk about it, it made him realize how bad we were and that I really wanted to work on the M, not run off with my A. So in many ways now, things are better...certainly not perfect, but much better. I'm not sure if telling him was the right thing, but my behavior was making him ask. I was being too nice maybe? I bought some marriage books and begged him to read them. He asked me if I was having an A. I couldn't lie anymore. Of course, I kept the details to myself cause they aren't relevant. What was relevant was that I was crazy about another guy, why I was, and that I am choosing my H. I told him he can divorce me but I'm not leaving. That I love him.
I think deep down he sees how he pushed me towards the EA. He so many times refused to get help, told me to go out and find my soulmate and that he doesn't know if he loved me. He told me he will never change.
I'm hoping we can both connect now.
I realize that I do not want a marriage of two people living separate lives cause if I do that, I'll wind up in another A. I want a husband who is affectionate to me, wants to talk to me, and spend time with me. And I with him. So in the end, if we can get there, we will stay together, if not, I guess we won't and I'll look for an available man, not a married one.
Remember that a marriage won't break up just cause of an A. An A usually happens cause a marriage is on the path to breaking up.