The lies

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
The lies
1
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 2:20pm

I have now been a full week of NC, and the fog is lifting. But SLOWLY. 

My XAP was my neighbor. He moved out into an apartment that I paid for. His GF still lives next door to me. Like, I can't look out any of my back windows or doors without seeing her home. Anyways, yesterday I had the pleasure of watching my XAP move back in with her. Yes, less than one week after he dumps me. After he told me that "even if her and I were to EVER get back together, I wouldn't move in right away, I would give it lots of time". 

I guess lots of time is 6 days. I watched her helping him move boxes in. I watched as my former friends, people he said he would ALWAYS HATE because of how they treated me, help him move his stuff back in. Then I closed my blinds and cried. 

In a way I think this was good...to see this. I have no doubts now that he wont be back. He told me he could never go back and then leave again, that he wouldn't put his kids thru that twice. And he told me he KNEW if he went back that he would spend the rest of his life on a leash. 

He told me a LOT. How horrid she was in bed. Fat and it disgusted him to look at her. She ignored him. Wouldn't cook him meals or pack his lunch, or do anything fun with him. How he KNEW he should have left her YEARS ago but then she got pregnant. 

Just so many lies. Not to mention the ones that I was his first love. That our three months together meant WAY more to him than his twelve years with the GF EVER did. He promised me he would NEVER hurt me. NEVER leave me. 

And yes, here I am, picking up the pieces after he hurt me, after he left me. 

I start therapy tomorrow which I am very excited for. And I guess a little less depressed since I saw him move back in. In some ways it did cement things for me. 

I told myself that TODAY I will NOT cry. It's 2:19pm. So far, so good...

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: kelleygirl52
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 9:08pm

Kelleygirl

I would not hold myself back from crying any time a good cry starts to surface and if you are alone to do so.  You are grieving a loss.  At no point would we ever say to ourselves or to a friend who is grieving a loss, 'don't cry".  At the beginning of your ending, it is very cathartic.  You are suffering a loss of hopes and dreams, whether they were based in reality or not.

I know we feel sometimes that we don't want to cry over 'them', but for now, in the beginning, you are crying over you...whether you realize this or not at this moment.  There's a lot to cry about...about how we have behaved, about who got hurt in the process of our disconnect (our family...our children...ourselves), over who we thought we were but were not, and over past hurts.  It can be confusing and be all jumbled up.  My therapist told me that when we suffer a loss all our other losses give a little jingle.  Your therapist will help you sort a lof ot this out.

Don't hold back if you have the opportunity for a good sob fest.  You'll feel cleansed and a bit lighter.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS