Life Since the Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Life Since the Affair
5
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:10pm
After the ending of my year long affair with a married coworker with 2 young daughters, I experienced the healthiest relationship of my adult life.

I literally went from the most toxic, insane relationship to the best so far. While in my affair, I was constantly trying to get out. I kept my options open and ended up becoming friends with a guy a friend of mine introduced me to. He was unavailable in the beginning because he was taking care of his dying father. We became email pals. Over some months, I worked on ending the affair, went to therapy and SLAA religiously. My friendship with the new man turned into a relationship. I will not lie-this did help me finally put my exMM to rest. It was hard though because I still had him (MM) up on a pedastal.

Thank god I had done a lot of work in recovery because my new boyfriend would never put up with the old me. In this healthy relationship I was able to learn what real love is by seeing it in action, as opposed to sexy words, empty promises and great sex.

While my sex life with my new boyfriend was good, it was no where near as crazy and exciting as with my exMM. I also didn't have a constant feeling of craziness and uncertainty, but more of a feeling of security. After being with my real boyfreind for a while I came to realize-and it was truly miraculous-that what I regarded as "true love" and "real passion" with my MM was complete bullsh*t.

I told my new guy about the affair. He was surprised, but accepting of it. When I was laid off from my job, my boyfriend showed me through his actions that he loved me. He hung in there during the hard times. There was a year of unemployment for me. He took care of me after 2 surgeries this year. He let me use his own personal WORK email to look for jobs in his company. He was a great boyfriend. I think this is more real and true than what I had in the A. He trusted me. I trusted him. I didn't really trust the married guy. (How could I? He was cheating on someone who he made vows to love forever in the eyes of God.)

Unfortunately my story has a sad ending. I went out with my boyfriend for 1 year and 10 months and then we broke up because he was unable to consider marriage. WHat a shame! This happened a few months ago and I am still upset, but getting better. The old me (pre-SLAA) would have been acting out all over the place...throwing myself at him, calling and begging, driving by his house, doing stupid stuff. We never had a psycho relationship so why start now is my thought. I have learned that the only way out is through. It is so hard. I honestly believed that I was going to marry him. But I know that this relationship has given me a healthy example. I am much smarter and wiser now. It has helped me so much to post here. Thanks for listening to my saga.

Sparkle

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:52pm

Sparkle, you've grown in to a wonderful mature woman since you ended your toxic relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:33pm
wonderful, inspiring story.

Ladies, read sparkle's story & take it to heart. There is not only life after an A, there is a great life! You won't suffer forever. You just have to get through the pain to get to the good life on the other side. You might have bittersweet memories of the A & your OM or MM, but there is something better out there.

I also thought I was in love with my MM -- sadly, it was the best relationship I'd had to that point in my life. I just didn't have a clue what real love was.

A wonderful (single) man has helped me transition my life from the affair as well (not to mention a few months of therapy!) Learning how to love and negotiate and behave in a REAL relationship is a challenge and a blessing. SO different from the intense highs & lows of the A, but so much deeper and richer and meaningful to the WHOLE life -- my kids, my friends, my family. I remember a book entitled "Love is a Verb" -- so true!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:38am
You are sooo right about how you can totally change as a person. I did too with my experience. I did things I never thought I would possibly do when we ended our relationship. Driving by his house, hang up phone calls just to hear his voice, and even trying to hack into his hotmail account to read emails. This is definitely not the person I am. I totally understand how you felt, and not making the same mistake by doing this to yourself again. The only person we hurt in the long run is ourselves, so hats off to you for keeping your chin up!!

ivlakegal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:48pm
Sparkle,

I am sorry your relationship with your boyfriend didn't work out as planned, but it sounds like you gained so much from your relationship with this man and that it taught you that you deserve the best in a relationship. He is out there waiting for you, in the meantime congratulations on the great job you have done in recovering from your affair and getting on with the living of your life!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 8:58pm
Thanks everyone for your kind words! I guess the key that I wanted to stress was that what was so miraculous was that I didn't know anything better than my affair. I remember sitting n my therapist's office telling her that he was the man for me and I couldn't fathom any other man being better than him! No freakin' way! I am here to say I WAS DEAD WRONG. So now my attitude is that I "take what I need and leave the rest" when a relationship ends. I have learned and changed and I let my higher power take over.

Stay strong girls!

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