Life lessons while gardening....
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| Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:37am |
Initially, I wanted to rip the WHOLE thing out and start again, with plantings and all. My h suggested that we try reclaiming it and seeing what can and cannot be saved---and if after that, it doesn't work, THEN lets look at starting again. So, with a pair of hand held pruners, I started at one of the 5 bushes that I "hated" because they were messy and overgrown. I sat in front of it and started to slowly prune away. Halfway through, I stepped back and though "hmm...that's not so bad" and closely looked at the bush. I allowed myself to see the natural shape of the bush, carefully stepping back time and again, to look at it and prune. Lo and behold...the beautiful little bush that I once loved was back. It was there all along, but I had neglected it for so long. I moved on to the next bush.
While trimming the next bush, it occurred to me how long I had neglected my garden, my bushes. How did I ever think that it would be beautiful without the work and effort? I initially approached the bushes like I do my life.....let's rip the WHOLE THING OUT and start again. But is that absolutely necessary? How long have I neglected myself? How long have I allow my own personal bush to become overgrown---where was my pruning? Who was weeding through my personal stuff and cleaning up my garden? I was neglecting myself--for years.
I worked, in silence, alongside my h....holding back tears, thinking about this weekend. The excitement of commencement and graduation....thanking exMM and then the drama that I allowed when he wrote back....about the disappointment that occurred at dinner following graduation....and all the crazy emotions I felt this weekend, the highs and lows.
All the feelings got bunched up and I overloaded....my weeds choked out the good plants. So, I began to separate the weeds from the plants. What I found was that the emotional high of the graduation was immediately followed by emotional lows with dinner with my family---many childhood wounds were re-opened that night. The 'funny' thing is...nothing bad or horrible happened...but in their presence, I seem to slip back to old dysfunctional ways of thinking or behaving. I tried catching myself but lost the battle. I ended up leaving the dinner, feeling inadequate, insecure, childish, etc...but that is because I have yet to learn to stop the negative self messages I send myself (and looking back, it was a constant stream of negative messages).
I woke up Sunday morning still feeling bad, and that is when I read exMM's email. Of course, excited and feeling that "rush" of emotional heroin....I then created some drama around that (see yesterday's MayDay post). BUT I knew enough NOT to send an email, feed into it, and get myself active outside---quickly.
My exMM made me feel things that my h is NOT capable of making me feel....he never has, and never will because my h is VASTLY different from me. But what I felt with exMM is confusing---I sometimes got lost in thinking that only HE could make me feel this way and it was magical. I always felt that if anyone made me feel this way it would mean SOMETHING. But, really it doesn't. And its not all that special....because EVERYONE else here has felt the same way----where's the specialness in that?
My h has been abusive and controlling since the beginning of the marriage....but I see how much I've allowed it to occur. You cannot be abused unless you hand someone the power to do so. You can be attacked without warning....but abuse is something that is sustained over time. I guess, I stayed because I was young, naive, and thought it was me. But now I see its not...and I've reclaimed my power....but now, I just don't know if I want to stay anymore. I look at my h and I feel nothing, but I also do not want to hurt him, but I become more detached daily. I think of my exMM and I feel something: I thnk about how alive, and free, and creative I felt with and while communicating with him.
His email to me seemed to send out some "feeler" comments, writing stuff that I would typically respond to in much length. I think that, too, he has his emotional wounds and that he continues in a marriage, that while not that bad, is not that fulfilling either. I think I provided him that very emotional side that his wife does not provide to him. And for the longest time I provided it to him willingly, but it left me emotionally drained and tired. I gave and gave...but yet, I received so little in return---what I wanted was much more than he was capable of giving. I didn't expect or want him to leave his wife (and he said this to me several times towards the end) but I did want him to be more open and for it to be more sexual. He tried and just couldn't go there and he was honest and upfront with me on that. I can't be mad at him for that, because that is who he is and where he is right now...and who am I to say otherwise?
I woke up early this a.m. and biked 4 miles, at the hardest level, sat by the creek and meditated, still trying to expend these thoughts and energy. I got back home and sent off a response email....but this time without the drama. I create very dramatic situations for myself, but if I want to be emotionally honest with myself, I need to cut the crap out. I need to weed my garden. Basically I said it was nice to hear from him, responded very briefly to some comments but did not add anything further. Since I was the one who broke the NC, I felt it necessary not to go 'psycho' on this...and not respond leaving him to wonder "hmmm..." and also to leave it vague also leaves the door cracked open. It is MY challenge and opportunity for growth to learn how to handle this...without creating drama and getting sucked back in. The answers lie within me....not externally in someone else. And if I don't learn what the heck is going on with me...I'll be doomed to repeat it again and again. Maybe eventually, I'll come to see that I need to leave my marriage. Maybe I'll learn to change things about myself that do will clear my sight on this path that I'm blinding following right now.
I'm pruning and weeding....and my personal garden is taking shape, but there is still A LOT to be done. And sometimes, its hard to tell the difference between a weed and a good plant. Sometimes you need to let it grow before that determination can be made, and only then can a decision be made.
dharma
ps...sorry for the length today, ladies...just needed to get this OUT!

I totally agree with weeding our own garden. In working on my 4th step ("we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves") I realize how little gardening I did during the last decade or so of my life, relying on everyone else out there to weed my garden for me. This step is amazing and has forced me to take a cold hard look at the "self" I've created. My self-awareness level is very high as a result of this step, and I've been able to "own" alot of the crap I created and dwelled in (hence my appearance on the "other" board). I've scraped my way to a place where I can't believe my own bullsh#t anymore and it's just me, myself and I in the mirror everyday.
And when all the external trappings are removed, what an incredibly deep, dark void is waiting. And now I know better than to try to fill it. Yeah, true happiness and peace comes from within, but so many days I don't have the energy to dig in deep and cultivate it myself. I'd really rather turn to OMM, drugs and alcohol to do that for me. The gift of recovery is that I know I can't rely on these anecdotes anymore. If I have to, I sit still with the feeling, meditate on it, and get to the core of it. Its dirty business, some days.
I don't know where the search is going and where it will end. Yesterday I happened to meet one of my old drinking buddies in a coffee shop down town. This guy was like my guardian angel. I got in alot of trouble when I was "out there," and he'd always appear to make sure I stayed away from the more unsavory characters and got home safely. The last time I spoke to him was while I was standing outside rehab waiting to be admitted. After that, I learned he was a "people, place or thing" that would trigger my old ways of thinking and he had to go. So I ran into him yesterday, 19 months clean and sober, and still thought, "Wow. He doesn't know I'm sober. We could go for a drink to catch up on things." The gift of weeding my garden is that I can see everything that's wrong with this idea from the moment it pops into my head, so I don't act on it.
Some days I feel very blessed that I'm no longer walking around in oblivion, thinking that if I only had that new outfit, new person in my life, or that perfect career I'd be happy once and for all. Other days, I think this enlightenment is a curse. Spirituality is so transient for me, and so much more difficult to hold on to than a new pair of shoes. I struggle everyday to have gratitude for what is, and not act out on my character defects. If I can make it back to bed at night having caused no harm to myself or anyone else, I consider it a successful day.
You might be interested in looking over a Hazelton publication on the fourth step. It sounds like right where you're at in life and my predecessors promise me a better life when it's done. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Love, Mo.
Yes, it definitely sounds like we are in a similar space because I completely UNDERSTOOD what you are saying/doing. (either that, or I've stepped into your psychosis with you...bah, ha, ha).
I just might read over the 4th step....though, I guess I'm in recovery from my former self. LOL.
Thanks for your words!
dharma