life sucks...still hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
life sucks...still hurting
7
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:10am

well for those who do not know me, i was in an A with a friend of my H and i. H and I are also friends with om's girlfriend who is now his wife. our relationship started as friends. then we became intimate. then he decided to cool things off. he got married in november of 04. towards the end we only communicated through IM. now we dont comunicate at all.

the bad thing is i see him occassionally. his wife and him passed by my work this week to get some tickets. now we are suppose to see each other again friday for her birthday.

i know what we had is over even if i wish it was not. he does not care to call me or even check for me in the computer. i dont think he ever will.

last time we communicated over email was before christmas because i called him and asked him to check for me.

i have been able to tell him everything i feel. i told him i had feelings for him and i told him he played me.

he also had his chance. he told me what we did did not mean the same to him as it did to me. he told me he wants to move on and give 100% to his new wife.

even if i do understand him, i wish we could at least communicate over the computer. i realize that i really miss his friendship. even if we see each other socially it is not the same.

i realize that i have not been able to move on because i am sooo hurt from what he did. i feel used and betrayed.

i think once i can get over being hurt that i can start healing and moving on. but that has been really hard.

sometimes i wonder why i cry if he does not care and is probably happy.

i hope to be happy again someday...

thanks for listening

still..upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:33am

"he told me what we did did not mean the same to him as it did to me"

Ouch. That has to hurt more than I can even imagine. Me and my XMM had the same emotional attachment when together, but I was realizing last night (which was the first time we chatted online in quite awhile) that he sounds just fine and his life is moving on. Just that alone was hard to swallow..but if I were to hear what you heard, it would devastate me. That, plus the fact that you will always have to see him and his wife is unimaginable. I, too, may see my XMM at times because we had the same circle of friends, but lately, I've pulled away from all of them because of the difficulty I'm having adjusting to being just friends.

Men are just designed differently than women. I think when an A ends, the woman is left feeling like a fool (even if SHE was the on that wanted it to end) and the man is left feeling like it was fun while it lasted, now on with my life. I'm trying hard not to feel 'used', because lets face it, each person in the A is technically 'using' the other for whatever needs they get met from the relationship. In my case, I needed to feel I was special and desired and he did that for me (in the beginning), and I think he needed the emotional part of the A and yes, I'm sure the sex. My point is, try not to think that HE used YOU. That won't help. Think of what YOU got out of the A while the relationship was still good.

You and I will probably have a harder time moving past this because of the fact that we will inevitably have to see them again. The way I'm doing it is to cut down the times, if possible, that you have to see him, make excuses if you have to..and working on MYSELF. I am thinking of other ways to occupy my time, preferably things that will make me a healthier person, both physically and emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:47am

hurtpup,

thanks for your reply. i know i should not go on friday. i hate to see him with her. but i want to see him soo badly. foolish me only to walk away empty alone hurt and sad.

i know i should not go. i really want to see him..

maybe this will be the first step. would you go if this is the last time youll see him until july for his sons birthday?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:13am

Hiya Upside,

***Bumpy Ride Alert - Strap Yourself In***

<<>>

Until you get to grips with the fact that exOG did nothing *to* you that you did not permit, enable & encourage, you're going to feel the pain.

You're not a victim, you've not been taken advantage of, and you've not betrayed although you yourself certainly betrayed.

<<>>

Because you haven't accepted your one-half responsibility for the affair. You still see it as something that was done to you rather than something in which you willingly participated.

Ending a relationship at the request of someone else is actually an act of respect. If you cannot respect him enough to respect his request, why on earth would he want to be your friend?

Apart from that, what kind of friend is he really to you & your husband? I'd have more respect for a man who punched me & DH right in the face rather than stab us in the back and then slink away safe in the knowledge that you can't say anything to screw up his marriage without also screwing up your own.

This is not a nice guy, Upside. He's insisting you respect HIS marriage when he didn't respect yours. Regardless of your own lack of respect towards your own marriage, that's *not* someone you want as a friend.

Ask yourself what is it about this man that helped you to feel good about yourself. When you work that one out, you have one of the key components required in beginning to fill your own void.

My Gran used to say that any man who went after a married woman was giving her the highest possible insult since it meant he believed she was either a ho or a fool. Personally, I put myself in the foolish ho category, but that's another story altogether ;)

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:50am

That's hard for me to answer, because in my case, it never hurt me to see him with his W, it only hurts me to see him period because he has this *%#@$! look in his eyes that goes straight to the heart. That's the hard part for me, having that physical attraction still very strong. But I met him and his W at the same time. We've all hung out and were friends, so seeing them together was never a problem for me. Even knowing they just had sex never even bothered me. How could it, I knew he had a wife, of course they were going to have sex. Plus I never had the notion that me and him would end our marriages to be together.

Would I go? Probably not. I've gotten out of so many functions lately becuase he was going to be there. And as long as I'm able to do that without drawing attention to the fact that I'm avoiding him, then I will continue side-stepping things. I keep hoping that I will stop feeling those romantic feelings for him, and finally be able to look at him as an interesting part of my past, with the keyword being PAST.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:58am

hurtpup,

you are so strong. i want to be strong too but i know i am not.

funny, the day of his wedding i insisted he go to my room with me to get a bottle since i wanted so much to talk to him one last time. we hugged and HE gave me a pop kiss.

i would give the world to know what his true feelings were for me.

i know not going friday is the right thing. but knowing i wont see him again is also hard.

we also knew them both before we started the A. it didnt bother me before to see him but it bothers me now since i have no part of him.

deep inside i wish we could still be friends. i enjoyed talking to him so much. we were so alike and i grew to care for him so much.

thanks for listening

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:57pm
Posie, Bravo! No one could have said it better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 5:03pm

Upsidedown -

<<>>

I know this will sound like a cliche, but sometimes people say mean things they don't mean when they are trying to hurt each other. Try not to dwell on what xMM said. he could be saying it simply because he is trying to move on w/ his new wife and get his life straightened out. Maybe he thinks by saying that to you, that it will help you move on, and in turn help him move on.

JMHO

Diva