Lifetraps

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Lifetraps
8
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:55am
I am now starting 4 days NC. All i can say, is it is really hard. Xmm is apparently angry at me about something that happened during out last little league game, so that has made it all the easier--though i desperatly want to contact him to explain myself. But i won't. It won't make any difference.

I have been going thru some pretty intense therapy and have realized that my A really triggered some pretty deep seeded emotional issues with me: namely abandonment. I also have realized that i was so desperate for love and attention from this man, i completely subjugated myself to him: always putting him first before all else. That is why the onset of my depression: the A slowly chipped away all my self esteem.

Often we talk on this board about obsession. I am working through a book right now that i would highly recommend: "Reinventing Your Life," by Jeffery Young. It's a stupid title, but essentially it talks about various lifetraps we develop in childhood and how certain relationships in our adult life can trigger those deep seeded, hurt feelings. Certainly, I understand now that that is what xMM did for me.

I am so angry and hurt by him, but i am working hard to let the A go; to let the friendship go; to move on with my life. He truly used me and i let him. He dipped into me when ever he needed me and was never there when i needed him.

Working hard. It hurts. I cry alot. I am very tired. But i have finally gotten to the hardest part of this journey and soon i will be done.

All my love to each and everyone of you wherever you are in your process.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: claricews
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:22pm
clarice~

I know I have not posted much lately....been busy, trying to stay off the boards, getting ready for my new job that starts on Monday, and trying to figure out my life/marriage (actually breaking free from it), but just wanted to respond briefly.

I think that for many of us, that sense of instant "connection" that we felt or developed IS the result of some unresolved issues. I was just reading recently that whenever you meet someone that you feel instantly connected to be VERY AWARE because chances are high that that person is opening up some old wounds.

Like you, looking back, I find that exMM opened up (though they were never closed really) wounds of abandonment, emotional unavailability, grief, need for validation, feelings of unworthiness and being unlovable. Like you, it really chipped away at my already low self esteem. Many good things came out of this affair....but there is still much, much pain, grief and loss---but that is the cycle of life.

Keep working at it, honey....it will get better, it always does. You are actively working towards it. Remember, its "progress NOT perfection"....we have moments when we slip and fall---be o.k. with that. Cry, scream and vent. Heck, I'm doing a LOT of crying myself...and I'm o.k. with that.

And I'm crossing my fingers that when I start working that I don't RUN INTO HIM---since I know where he parks now...I am ACTIVELY avoiding that area and any parking lots by there. I know where we have gone out to eat in the past, so those places I will have to avoid as well. Its work, and hopefully once I start working I can throw myself into that and stop dwelling on him.

I hope that once you go to France, you can enjoy yourself!!

Have fun...good luck, my friend.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
In reply to: claricews
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:06pm
Hi Dharma - it's always great to hear your comments. You're right on with the "instant connection" thing. Good luck with the new job (and of course with your personal life....) - they're lucky to have you on their team!

Clarice, your post really resonated with me. I often wonder if the issues that you and Dharma describe ("wounds of abandonment, emotional unavailability, grief, need for validation, feelings of unworthiness and being unlovable") are common to most women involved in affairs with married men. As the adult child of an alcoholic, I was always attracted to emotionally unavailable men, because it was the dance I knew. Well, I thought I'd worked through that and left it behind. XMM was sooooo emotionally available, it was a dream come true. Only problem: he was UNAVAILABLE in every other way! And that dream will never REALLY come true. So I was still doing the same dance, I just changed the steps a little.

This all reminds me of something Ram Dass said on a tape about how you will always find what you're looking for to repeat the dance you know. It goes something like this:

You're at a party, and you look across the room and see a man. Across his forehead, in big letters, it says "I WILL SCREW YOU; YOU CAN COUNT ON IT!" (and Ram Dass doesn't mean that sexually). And you look at this man, and you think "Oooooh, he has such BEAUTIFUL eyes!" I laughed out loud when I heard that.....

So.....time for us all to learn a new dance!

Hugs to all, and gratitude for your wisdom and support.

*mtnsweetheart*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: claricews
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 9:30pm
Hi Clarice - well like my mom says (it's kind of a corny statement)... "if he's mad, he'll get glad again". In other words, don't worry about it. He'll get over whatever he's angry about. Maybe he expected you to find ways to stay in touch with him, who knows.

I know it's hard with NC and you miss a lot of things. The only advice I can give to you is every time you start feeling down, or feel like you want to get in touch with him, remember how you felt the last two weeks of baseball season and how free you felt when you were finally released of any obligation to see him. Remember all the hard work it took you to get here right now. It's a lot easier said that done, believe me I know that. I'm not even 1/4 as strong as you or some of the other women on the board. Try and hang on to that strength for the sake of YOU! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: claricews
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:05am
mtnsweetheart~

Its good to hear from you as well...and your wisdom. I really connected to your analogy about changing your dance from an emotionally available guy in one way, but unavailable in the other---that is exactly what I did as well. ExMM was the most in touch emotional guy I had ever met...but married. I, too, thought I had worked through my wounds, only to find them scabbed over but not healed.

Ram Dass? I love his stuff---but its kind of hard for me to read because exMM turned me on to him....and whenever I read it (or listen to any tapes) it makes me think of him. I know that someday I move beyond that and listen/read his stuff again..but right now, it like throwing salt in my wounds. And his analogy is soo true---we end up screwing ourselves!!!

Have a great day!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to: claricews
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 12:45pm
my xMM was very emotionally available. he oozed with emotion but was, as you say, completely unavailable in every other way. his vulnerability is what attracted me to him. And as i said, i realize now, that entire A just touched off feelins of abandonment for me and subjugation. that is why all of this has been so hard. so when i start missing him now (haven't heard from him in a week--though i did run into him over the weekend) i say to myself: this is triggering feelings of abandonment, that's it. recognize it, feel it and let it go.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to: claricews
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 12:52pm
thanks jessesmom. i am in NC now--7 days. there is one last thing, believe it or not--i must do for little league today, but i have already figured out a way to do that thing and then tell him to get in contact with someone else if changes need to be made. (it's a press release i have to write for the local paper. while he has to approve it, i will tell him to get in touch with the editor today if there are changes.)

I have come a long way. it's been a long road and i don't envy anyone who is just starting it. it has absolutely been the most painful and eye opening thing i have ever been through. with each and every day that passes, i am getting healthier, fortified, stronger.

while i am so angry (a lot) i did pray at church for him yesterday. I prayed that i forgive him the hurt and pain he has caused me. I prayed he would find his own happiness. i think it is important to pray for those that hurt us. forgiveness is part of letting go and finally being able to come to a place of detachment. i don't want to be fueld by anger or resentment anymore. I just want to let go and i know in time, i will.

Clarice

hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: claricews
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 4:21pm
Are you married? I am starting NC and what I find so difficult is hurting inside, but trying to put on a good front for my family. You seem to be very strong. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: claricews
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 4:24pm
I just replied earlier but I forgot to mention that I will be going to a LIttle League game in a couple of hours and I will come face to face with the person I am/was having an affair with. NC is going to be hard, I am not looking foward to it, I know it will hurt.