lillie's tawdry tale
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| Thu, 02-18-2010 - 7:55am |
i am 48 years old---a married, professional woman, mother of four. my affair lasted for 2 years and it is over now.
where to start?
i looked for it. i didn't just "happen upon" my affair by accident. nobody fooled me into it. my marriage has always been an unusual one--i married a man 10 years my senior when i was 19 years old just to get some stability in my life. my husband--a very kind and beautiful person--has always been a father figure to me and has sheltered and protected me for nearly 30 years. in many ways i am still emotionally immature---and that has been a driving force in the bad choices i have made.
when i made the decision to start an affair, it was part mid-life crisis, part sexual deprivation, and alot of romantic, unrealistic thinking. my husband had no sexual interest in me at a time in my life when my sex drive was at its peak. i felt like a child who couldn't wait to grow up, get out, and experience the real world. i did not want to hurt my husband, but i was unable to formulate a healthy plan for how to get my needs met within my marriage.
enter Mr. B.
i posted a profile on a website for married people seeking affair partners--the first step in a series of soul-crushing decisions that have led me to this point. as you can imagine, the website was heavily populated with men, and it was like fishing in a bucket. messages poured in, some of them crude, some obviously slick operators, some that seemed like nice guys caught up in situations that they seemed unable to control. i picked one-Mr. B.
Mr. B and i clicked right off the bat. we lived thousands of miles away from each other. he is 52, married, no children, but stepfather to two grown sons. works abroad for a month at a time while wife stays home--so he has alot of time on his hands. his reason for pursuing an affair was that his wife has health problems and does not provide him with enough sex.
we corresponded online for several months, endless chats and letters--finding out about each other, or at least presenting ourselves to one another as we would have liked to be seen. he constantly described himself as "a one-woman man caught up in a crazy world." Told me over and over again “I’m not a player.“ i'm sure all of you can see where this is going, but unfortunately, i did not.
we arranged a meeting--both of us flying to a chosen city--about four months into the affair. we did this four times over the following two years. The sex was very good, as affair sex predictably is I would guess. But I learned, much too late, that I could not compartmentalize my life like a man---get this need met here, get that need met there. I became very emotionally involved and dependent upon Mr. B. I envisioned that I was in love. Like many of you, I endured months of suffering for mere moments of pleasure, all the while his wife, his job, his large extended family came first.
To come to the point of a long and sordid story that is doubtlessly the same for zillions of women everywhere---I invested myself physically and emotionally with Mr B, and found out through a series of events that he has been cultivating online relationships with other women for the entire two years of our affair (I wanted to use the word ‘relationship’, but suddenly that word rings very hollow to me.) He also appears to have a very close and loving relationship with his wife--who by all appearances is a lovely lady-- which was also misrepresented to me. I am reeling from the shock of these discoveries.
Last March I came to EAS following a meeting with Mr. B. We had met in a city mid-way for each of us, and I had taken 5 days of vacation to spend with him. He had family ties/obligations there, and ended up leaving me alone for 2 ½ of those days in a strange city for me. I’d felt used, abused, and just about out of my mind with grief. When I got back home, I searched for and found EAS and began reading and posting. I stopped answering Mr. B’s calls, letters and texts. He was persistent. After about a month, I caved. I began to answer him. Though very guarded and aloof with him, eventually he wormed his way back in to my good graces. I left EAS because I knew I was a fraud.
The difference for me between last year and this is the knowledge that Mr. B is involved with other women. The magic of the affair for me was the feeling Mr. B gave me that I was special, that I was his soul-mate, his confidante--I was “THE ONE.” Finding out that he said those things to other women obliterated that magical world like an atomic bomb. So, I am back. Humbled and suffering and wondering if I can get it right this time. Thanks for taking the time to hear my story.
lillie

Hi Lillie- Welcome back. I am a relative newbie here (21 days NC today). Your story breaks my heart. Don't we all get caught up in how special our A's made us feel. Its heartbreaking to discover that none of it was true. I think that's what I struggle with the most. He wasn't the ONE... and why do I know this? Because my xap and I both decided to stay with our spouses... They are our ONES :)
I am sorry you are hurting. You have come to the right place. This message board has gotten me to day 21 and I am sure it will do the same for you.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Awwww, Lille, your story touched my heart because I was older too when I sought affection from my boss after years of raising my kids alone. We had so much in common and already had 10 years under our belt as friends/coworkers. Although my A was lived daily where we could be together all of the time, I learned enough dark secrets about him to realize I was not so special either. Did it stop me? Oh, heck no. I would just rationalize it away because after all, I knew it was an A and wouldn't be anymore than that. . I was to learn that the head thinks one way, but the old heart takes a whole different route and before I knew it, I was totally consumed, addicted,
~Iddy~
Just wanted to say thanks for posting- although our situations in the A's are different, there are many similarities. Sending ((((hugs))) and applauding you for your courage to step out here and face it. It's not easy to turn it around, but I think we can do it :)
Hazel
Hi Lillie,
I am so sorry for your pain right now. I have been on the boards 3 years ago, and I am back (different profile name) as I am in same situation as you.
I sought out my A from an online site like you.
thank you all for you replies and support. i don't know what it is about shared misery, but it is sure a comfort to be among other people who really know and understand where you're at.
i am finding that the mornings are the worst for me---that in sleep i am defenseless and upon awakening, thoughts of xap flood my mind. things get better throughout the day, but then there are those moments when caught unaware that it hits like a freight train.
xap has texted twice this week. i have not replied. iddy, i liked how you talked about separating your heart from your head when you ended your A. that is exactly what i am trying to do. my heart is miserable and aching and missing him. my head is telling me loud and clear "He is a predator. ALL roads lead to this. DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN."
any suggestions for what to do about the wondering? wondering whether he is missing me, wondering whether he is hurting, wondering whether he is sorry? i would like to move from wondering to not giving a rat's ass where he is, what he's doing, or for that matter, who he's doing.
runningrl, hugs back to you, too. can you believe the sh!t we get ourselves into? honestly, you can't even make this stuff up. i would be happy to be a buddy to you--we both need all the support we can get. you can send me email by clicking on my name if you want to.
hazel and secretlife, thank you for your encouragement. it is my lifeline right now.
lillie
Hi Lillie...welcome back to EAS.
About the wondering...don't deny to yourself that you still think/care about him and what he's doing or thinking.
Comments and
holy cow, victory--you're still here! your posts have always resonated with me. i totally like the way you lay it down--what you say makes so much sense. you are where i want to be one day---and i hope you won't take this the wrong way, but it seems to me that you were once as damaged as i am and have grown in self-awareness to a degree that is not often seen in this life. thank you again for your unflinching honesty and for reminding me of what is real. you still inspire me.
lillie