Lillsilly....have you had your meeting?
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Lillsilly....have you had your meeting?
| Wed, 01-14-2004 - 9:19am |
Just wondering if you have meet MM yet...if so, how did it go?
Hope everything went well.
dharma

Yes, we did meet yesterday. We went about 60 miles out of town to a secluded area with a creek near by and we talked about what has been going on in each of our lives with our spouses. I had written down every question I felt I needed answered and he answered each one of them. We were there sitting on a bench for about 3 hours and we both cried and laughed, each feeling the fear of losing one another. What I learned was that he told his W that he still loved me, he thought about me, he dreamed about me and he could not get me out of his mind and they could not have any kind of relationship until he stopped thinking of me. And basically that is exactly what I have told my spouse.
Once again, he asks if he were to leave his marriage, "Would I be there for him?” And I had to be honest and told him that I didn't really know. Twice since October, he has ask the same question, then did a 180 degree turn and chose to stay with his W and cut me off. I told him I would not go there again and I did not have the answers for him, that he had to do what was best for him...period.
He said he is worried about his W; she starts shaking and can't quit when she talks about me. He said he did not want to be responsible for her to have a breakdown. I told him I understood and I never meant to hurt his W or my H.
I had brought a card that he had given me and when he saw it, he thought I had brought a card for him. He asks if he could read it, and I told him only if he read it out loud.
For a Very Special Friend - a poem by Emily Matthews
Thank Heaven
For all the little friendship things
between just and me.
For the closeness way down deep
that comes with trust and honesty.
For the ordinary, everyday,
"just~called~to~say" surprises.
For the promises you keep
and "cause~you~love~me" compromises...
For the "tell~me~all~about~it" time
and hugs I get for free.
For the not have to be anything
but dear, imperfect me.
For the thoughtful words you say
that are the wind beneath my wings.
For the instant burst of happiness
your laughter ~ always brings...
For the "it's~no~bother" favors
and your "you~can~do~it" cheer.
For the reassuring voice that says
you'll be be right over here.
For the "I love you" " I forgive you"
and "I'll be there til the end."
For the day God blessed my life
with such a very special friend.
Signed...
To a very special lady, I love you so much...MM
As he read the last sentence he was crying, I was crying...
As we reminisced about all the fun times, the bad times, the romantic times, the crazy times, the sad times, the happy and joyful times, we both agreed that we could not be in a hidden relationship again. As painful as is or will be to say 'good bye', we could not cross that line again unless we were both free from our marriages.
While we were there, no time during the 3 hours did we once have any sort of sexual advancements toward one another. That is not where we are right now with the relationship...at one time, during the first 5 years we were...but after we fell in love with one another’s soul and spirit, the relationship became more. We did kiss and hugged one another out of the passion we have for one another. When I put my hand against his heart and feel it beating...I can just close my eyes and I can look into his soul and we become one. Even holding hands, there has been always such energy between us that instantly we lock into one another minds.
When we left, we hugged and expressed our love for another and said, "What is meant to happen, will be." But neither of us would pursue the other.
About 30 minutes in to our trip back home; MM pulls over to the side of the road. He gets out and said, "We have got to talk, and it is bad." So the first little town we come to, we pull into the Post Office parking lot and I get into his vehicle. He said that his daughter-in-law had called and she had all of his stuff to give him and she hated to be the barer of bad news but his W could not longer stand to be with him as long as he was thinking of me. I was in shock...
He was telling the truth. She is proceeding with the divorce plans.
I am thinking - "Now what?" in my mind. He asks me would I be there for him, and I had to say that I honestly did not know.
As for the sexual "affair", it is over between us. That is one boundary I will not let myself or him cross, unless we are both free from our marriages. The "emotional" affair.... not quite there yet.
I think there are many processes of letting go. Even if we were to have a future together, we still have to let go of the affair, the lies, the manipulations, the secrecy, and the fantasy.
I am at a stand still today...I woke up with a headache and called in sick to work - which I never do and slept until 2 pm today. I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally drained.
All I keep thinking is - 'Becareful what you wish for; you just may get it'.
Any advice anyone?
Thanks,
Lillsilly
Wow, what a rollercoaster ride it is.....I'm thinking about you...and wishing you the best in this decision making process....LOTS of decisions to be made.
Good luck.
dharma
Sorry just now replying, but I have not known honestly what to say. Not even sure I have known my feelings until now.
It is a struggle that I have to be honest between MM and myself. I love him and he loves me and has proven that over and over by not going back home to his wife and proceeding with the divorce.
What I am finding is that I have lied so much during the past 12+ years to be with this man - I am finding it hard to tell even him the truth. My husband would never think of checking up on me - however, the MM does and it is not that I am doing really anything wrong - I am just not doing what I told him I was doing. ( like if I said I was going to workout - MM drives by the gym to see if I am there - I am not there - MM calls me and ask how was the workout - I tell him it was great - ...etc... ) I have no reason to lie to him........I just wanted him to believe I was working out and trying to get fit again. I am a size 7 - so it is not like I am hugely out of shape - but he works out and has his opinion that I would feel better if I did too.
Well - here I am feeling guilty caught in a lie - we talk about it - we cry about it - we talk about what we can do differently next time, and then we end up making love.........this is something that neither of us has ever been able to do with our spouses, which is talk about the truth and our feelings, and then actually deal with them on a mature level and talk about how we will handle such issues in the future.
So here I am - he is living alone and I am still living with H and a teenager and I cannot even think of working on my marriage while I have MM in my heart and soul. I love this man ( MM ) with all my being.
Not even sure what board I should be posting on at this point.
Really confused,
Lillsilly