Limbo Land is a lonely place...
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| Sat, 07-03-2004 - 10:44am |
For those of you stalled in Limbo Land, that place that keeps you imprisioned and confused, that vast oasis filled with answerless questions, 24/7 emotional pain, and delusionary perceptions of what is real in your life, realise that you cannot escape this place until your mind and heart break away in unison.
Your mind is saying "I need to end this" and your heart is saying, "I still love him." As yet, you have not taken control of your life. You are allowing a "part-time" person to have "full-time" control of your emotions, movements, decisions and commitments. Is this how you want to live? Do you want to remain as a "second choice" in your lovers life? Most men having an affair do not comprehend how their actions are affecting you. No amount of pain or suffering on your part will cause "HIM" to take action to change.
How many of these emotions can you relate to from having this affair (or maybe starting one): Lonliness, loss of self esteem, anger, jealousy, depression, anxiety, betray, suicidal thoughts, bouts of crying, loss of control, physical symptoms like weight loss or eating disorders, drinking more, complusive behaviors like shopping more, lying more...I could go on and on, but these are all characteristic of what an affair does to us. How many of these can you fess up to? Personally, I can claim at least 4, not to mention isolation from friends and family because of the secretivenes. SUCH pain, and now you are putting even MORE upon yourself for NOT being able to walk away from it. Why? Are you a masochist? Do you enjoy hurting yourself? Are you a saddest? Do you enjoy possibly ripping your family apart or his?
Fact: Most women who involve themselves with a marriad man enter into the affair believeing that they will maintain control, that they just want to see "What it is like" OR that they they will be able to maintain emotional distance. FALSE! Once you sleep with them, you are HOOKED! You have stepped over that emotional boundary that you thought you could protect yourself with...How does this happen? Because women equate love-making with "LOVE" while men equate love-making with "SEX". This is why it is so much easier for the man to walk away when the going gets tough; they have little emotional baggage folowing them out the door.
Fact: (I read this) Most married men having affairs are NOT having an affair because of "YOU". They are having it for themselves - to fill a void or psychological need that they are trying to compensate for. YOU are the vehicle for their escape from "Boredom Land" into "Fantasy Land" where we woman eventually become emotionally stuck. AND since the dynamics of an affair are rooted in lies and dishonesty (if you think for one minute his marriage is ALL that bad, you are truely mistaken), eventually this fantasy will drive your confused and hurting heart into the oasis of "Limbo Land" where you will remain until the "Ah Ha" light goes on within you.
Change is difficult. Change is painful. Change is necessary when you realise that you are stuck knee-deep in that "I don't think I'm going to make it without him" quick-sand. Is this how you want to go out? Devoured by his lies, his sexual needs, his game playing, his contol over your life, his deep-rooted problems? All of HIS weaknesses and inadequacies that he has now managed to lure you into?
You are given free-will. You are in contol of the outcome. You, and only you, is the one responsible for your happiness and peace of mind. Take back your life. Start today. Do something wonderful for yourself this holiday weekend because I can bet, "HE" is not sharing it with you....
True
Edited 7/3/2004 12:58 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

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I've been struggling with reality vs. fantasy for sometime now, and here's what I've come up with for myself: (not complete, by any means)
Fantasy:
My wife and I rarely have sex--once a month tops! She's not very sensual nor romantic--I love to touch and be touched. We already have one child--I really don't want another.
Reality:
My wife is pregnant--I guess she's fertile mertile.
Fantasy:
I love you so much--you are all I think about. You are my life--my everything. If we lived together it would be so wonderful. We could have a cabin by the lake--make love every morning and night.
Reality:
Both of our spouses are the breadwinners in our respective marriages--highly unlikely we'd be able to afford a cabin by the lake--try more like a shack.
The reason I feel we also have lots of time to talk, and think about each other frequently, is because we are both spoiled by our spouses--neither of us work--highly unlikely we'd have that much sex once we both have to get a job, pay the bills, and take responsibility for our individual lives. Our degrees and income combined wouldn't even equal one of our spouses salary--get real.
Fantasy:
If I divorced my wife, she'd be very understanding in regards to allowing me to be a major part of my children's lives--I know she'd be fair. My children would love and respect you as much as I love and respect you.
Reality:
Hardly unlikely she'd take kindly to him having an emotional affair for over a year, and leaving her for another woman. I can't help but feel her anger would spill into any fairness. Her father cheated and left her mother, and her mother is very spiteful and bitter toward her ex-husband (even now, though it's been many many years); She also did everything to try and turn her children against their father. What makes him think she wouldn't do the same? You know--like mother like daughter? He often says she's alot like her mother now--why not in that sense too? He's in la la land--for sure on this--totally.
One other thing--I don't want to be in the middle of him and his wife & kids. I don't have any children myself--not sure I want to play weekend momma. Besides, who's to say these kids won't hate my guts, and see me as "the bad lady--who took their daddy away."
I watched my father cheat on my own mother--I know the pain all too well. Each time he would try and introduce me to his new girlfriend--I didn't give her a moments notice--she didn't stand a chance with me. I never looked at her--nor spoke to her--she was the enemy to me.
Fantasy:
I'd leave my wife in a minute if I knew I could have you.
Reality:
I gotta go--she just pulled in the drive! *slammed the phone*
*Laughing* This is just my way of getting some perspective in my personal struggles with my xMM--plus it feels good to laugh--or else I'd cry--and I'm all cried out for today. Thanks for letting me share. Again, just my very very humble thoughts--more for myself than anything else. ~ifm
Struggling is "Awareness". You are coming to terms with the mess, and have finally made the "conscience" decision to battle your demons (and slay his too :) I would like to suggest that you print out all of your posts, as I have seen your hurt and anger. Then, read them over and over again. Journaling is one of the most positive overt actions we women can take to find our way out of this darkness. Writing out the pain, the confusion, the anger and then reading it over and over again...the mind has the remarkable power to begin sorting through the muck and bringing forth (or back) all the truths of what really "IS" and then remarkably a pattern begins to unfold.
You are on a journey into your true self...the one that, prior to the discoloration caused by our own escape mechanisms and lies, was always there. We are only human. We make WRONG choices. Wrong begets wrong and eventually we begin to suffer from it's toll on our emotions and health. BUT, we have the power within us to correct this and make it right.
"God Speed" through your passage..
True
Edited 7/4/2004 9:06 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
I'm printing out your post b/c it will remind me of things when i feel weakest. Especially the part about not sharing this weekend with him...or even getting a "Happy 4th of July" from him today when i left work.
And the fantasy/reality part hit home also from the replies...especially the part that referred to talking with XMM and then him saying..."she's in the driveway, gotta go" (slamming down phone)...which i found funny but true...has happened many of times.
Right now ime just so confused b/c ime getting hot and cold vibes from him and ime finding it very frustrating to deal with. I don't want to live like this anymore and it's really throwing me into a "i don't really give a F&%k attitude" b/c if it was real life, we probably wouldn't even make it. So ime slowly starting to realize things and maybe one day my "ah ha" light will come on and stay on to give me enuf courage and strength to say enough is enough...i've had it with this. And for my sanity, ime hoping that it's right around the corner. And for those of you who have been involved in A's for years...i can't even imagine.
So thank you for trying to make me see things from the right perspective and get me on the right path here...even though i know it will take some time, but baby steps are better than no steps in that direction.
And Happy 4th of July to everyone :)
Patches,
I started taking those babysteps at the beginning of this year. So as you can see, getting out of my darkness has taken 1/2 a year. When you have had enough, those babysteps will turn into strides..and soon all he will see is your back as you walk away for good.
Happy 4th to you too...
True
First of all, thank you for the excellent posts. Second of all, even your names express the begining steps that we need to take as we stumble through our darkness...
Id
Definitely the reason I hung in for so long. It wasn't until that love (4 years later) turned into indifference that I was able to walk away with all body parts intact. Had difficulty finding my heart at first, but eventually it tagged along, and the journey has been very intense, but soulfully rewarding.
Thanks for writing this. Never hurts to read positive reinforcement when those low times still linger in the shadows. All in all though, I am a better, stronger, more wiser person for going through this mind-boggling transition.
R2L
TCOM
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