listen to your gut

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
listen to your gut
4
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 9:53am

When we're damaged and running headlong into an A, we learn to ignore our gut, that icky feeling we get when we instinctively know what is happening is self destructive. We get so good at shutting up that voice that once we're out of our As an trying to heal, it takes a lot of coaxing to get that inner-voice to speak up again. It's like that poor little voice has been so abused that it's afraid to speak out in fear of getting smacked down again. Moreover, we don't trust the voices inside because the conscience-voice was drowned out by that (my label) evil-voice, and our ability to differentiate between the two got muddled.

I'm thinking about this because I woke up this morning remembering the time(s) Xap had to move his kid's booster out of the backseat of his SUV so we could crawl back there and mess around. I distinctly remember how my inner-voice was screaming at me to stop because this was low, disgusting and wrong --and, yet, I ignored it. I feel so sick about that stuff now.

When I read about the enders who are tempted to break NC, or doing other damaging things, I get a pang of anxiety because I know that they are not listening to their gut. Today I'm going to pray that we all get in better touch with our bodies and minds so that we can be more aware of the God-given, self-preserving instinct to avoid self-destruction.

Right now, my inner voice is screaming for more coffee.
I hope each and every one of us has a day we can be proud of, irrespective of whether its an easy day or a hard day.

xoxo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 10:46am

Dee, this is so good. While reading your post I remembered something I did during my A that is so humiliating I can't share it, but that little voice was telling me how wrong it was while I was doing it. I think you have described the fog that we are in. I remember watching Reille Hunter (sp?) on television and her saying on national television that John Edwards renewing his vows with his W was not real and what him and her had was real. I also remember a picture I saw taken of John Edwards with Reille standing in the background being unconspicuous staying out of the way but wanting to be near him and I was thinking my God how delusional we become when we are in an A. Your post made me realize that we don't actually believe what we were doing was right and we all heard that voice saying how wrong we were but ignored it. You wrote that once our A is over that little voice goes away but if you think about it we don't need that little voice when we are living an honest and respectful life.


Thank you for this post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 10:59am

Such an amazing post Dee.

There was never a moment for me when that wise voice would be totally silent. I could always hear it faintly screaming out for me to listen: she was there all along but was so brutally ignored. My trusted gut, became my enemy, something to be managed, tricked, or sedated with the self-soothing actions of over/under eating (for others maybe alcohol or drugs). But now, I listen for her. I pay attention. I have apologized to this inner voice, this other side of myself that was kept locked away for so long.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 2:52pm

Such wise words, Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 3:58pm

Thank you Dee - I really needed to be reminded of this today. There were so many times that I suppressed those feelings too. Not listening to myself and letting him touch me and thinking I'd be able to handle the other shoe dropping that time.

I want to live my life from now on without regret. Never regretting a single thing I say, or more importantly, anything I do. I used to tell XAP all the time that everything would be fine if he left his W. That his kids are grown, that they love and respect him and would want him to be happy. While I believed that, what did I know? How would I feel if he left her and his kids disowned him? Everything is connected - every action leads to another action. For Dee, what if XAP didn't buckle the booster seat back in after messing around and got in an accident with his child in the car? Extreme thinking, I know - but we have to keep the thought in our mind that every one of our actions have consequences, good and bad.

When we are in an A, it's like throwing a rock into a still pond. We have no control over the ripples that come from that single rock.

Bodhi