little epiphanies on the road to indifference

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
little epiphanies on the road to indifference
42
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 10:25pm

i am nearly nine months out of my A. the fog is gone. i know without a doubt, without any reservations, without even a twinge of longing that xap was BAD for me, a toxin that needed to be purged from my system, a cancer that needed to be cut from my life.

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 10:37pm

lilliealma,

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 10:49pm
Hi Lillie,
Your post spoke volumes to me as well. I am a newbie. That being said, I have A TON to learn here. One thing I am learning is how freeing it is to remain NC and in control of the ending. I still know, however, that I have alot of work to do on ME. I am seeing a therapist and we are really working on that. I want to genuinely like myself and I know that I haven't been doing the best at this. That negative in me drew the negative in xAP like a moth to the flame. We even admitted that to each other. Funny how we kept telling each other that what we were doing to each other was so wrong, but continued to do it anyway. Now it is done. We will never hurt each other again. But the hurts haven't gone away...still so fresh and sometimes take over - the pain sucks. But I will get through this. Thanks so much for your post! :)

Hearts<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 12:49am
I'm struggling with is too Lillie. You have out into words exactly what us bumping around my brain. And said it way better than I ever could have. That's one thing about you ladies, you say things so well! It's intimidating. I feel like I am fighting to make sense of things and can't spit it out to save my life. Usually I am a very good writer.

That said.. While the amount of time I spend thinking if him/it has seriously dwindled, I do wonder if he is getting over me too. That's freaking hurts. It's hard to accept that I was bad for him too when I tried so hard to be perfect. I've got a long way to go. Thanks for Your post it does help to see it in black and white.

Chechi
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 12:52am

That ol' ego stands in our way. No doubt it is a monumental struggle to push it aside, heal and move forward. lilliealma, your post is very important, it shows that even though we are out of the A, in full NC, it takes time to truly get over it. Your words hit home with me and describe what I went through and came to understand. It's a long battle with one's self.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 9:56pm

thank you, ljubica, for your response to my post.

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 10:24pm

heartsofsix,

I have been reading your posts and watching you learn and grow here, and I think you are so beautifully strong and open to healing. your hard work and investment in YOU will pay off, you know.

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Sat, 11-06-2010 - 9:24am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 11-06-2010 - 10:13am

TO All of you in this thread.....

I am not Vet but I am almost there. Less than a month and counting. What does that mean? It means I have been NC for a year. It does not mean that I am whole and well or that I no longer hurt or that I no longer think of exAP.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-06-2010 - 10:24am

((Lillie))

This was an awesome post, and one we can all feel deep down in our gut. Actually, this has been an awesome thread. ( I would like to put your post in the "Wisdom and Insights" thread, if that's okay....

Self awareness can be very painful at times, yet it is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves. As you already know, it doesn't happen overnight and can take many long months of hard work and deep introspection. Counseling helps to expedite it, but if we continue to deny and rebuked the uglies about ourselves, we will not evolve. We will remain stagnant/stuck.

Anyway, I am proud of you for what you have already learned/acknowledged about yourself. As painful as it is, you are on your way to finding your authentic self.

Love and hugs,

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 11-06-2010 - 10:53am

When I read Lill's first post I felt a rush of emotion.

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