A little update
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| Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:56am |
Well it's been few days. After the blowout at work, I needed to get away. Did a little shopping then went to a friends house for the night. Had some good chats with her. She's never been thru anything like this but gave as much advice as she could. So then I came home yesterday around 4pm. Went by xMM's house on my way home and saw a red car there, his exW. So of course it pissed me off, how could she be there and how could she take him back, yadda yadda yadda, I'm sure you can all imagine my thoughts. So I texted 'ur scum' but before I sent it I called my friend that I has just visited and told her to talk me back from the ledge. She did and by the time I finished talking to her I felt better and I didn't send the text. However, I wondered was she just there to pick up the son or for a visit or what. So 3 hours later when normally they would be putting son to bed I went for a drive. I figured if her car was still there then it meant she was staying over. Her car was still there. Believe it or not, as I was driving there I was hoping it was there for me. When it was I felt sad, angry and then I sighed. I felt like I could breathe. As I drove home again, I didn't feel anger or sadness or anything. I needed to see that to erase any small amount of hope in my mind that he was going to be single and we would have a chance. Even though he never contacted me or made any suggestion to our mutual friend that he missed me, I still thought maybe. However seeing her car there means to me that they are at least talking and will probably get back together.
Not that it matters but I feel like I need to say that I think they will be back as a couple. You see I know MM and I know him well. He struggled everyday with missing his son. When he left me he said he thought he missed his wife too. I don't believe that but I do believe that he is willing to live with her in order to have his son back in his house. I asked him once if they didn't have their son would there be a 'Russ' and 'Jenny' and he said he had to think about it. Several days later he said there never was a 'Russ' and 'Jenny'. So I think he will go back with her, make believe again that he is happily married, will be faithful for a while, when she lets her guard down again (the leash will be real real short for a while), he will cheat and he'll start the cycle again. I know this for sure. 5 yrs from now I will post when it happens. It will NOT be with me.
I wrote him an email last night, this is sort of how it went:
Dear MM
'Tonight I passed by your house on my way home. I saw Jenny's car there, seemed like it must have been there for a while with the snow on it. For the final time, it all makes sense. I understand you want to build your family back again, with a lot of hard work I believe you can. However it is wrong for you to dismiss what we had as nothing b/c we know it was something. I always said that I didn't want to be between you and your son, as the days went on I felt I was in the middle. I know that tore you up inside everyday. It is my hope that those days are over now.
I regret saying some things but I can't take them back now. It is still my belief that I did not hurt her with what I said but you did when you did those things. I still think she is stronger than me b/c I would never be with anyone who did those things to me.
Good luck with you and your life. Your main problem is communication and sweeping things under the rug......stop doing them and you guys will be ok. I am sorry things happened between us b/c you were a good friend, now I don't like you or respect you. Not just b/c you hurt me but b/c you have lack of intergrity and have always been that way. Remember to put Matt first, he deserves the best.
You are right, I am strong.
Goodbye
Robin, littleRocket'
I actually do feel freer than I have so far. I don't know if it was a good thing to send or not, it's the first and only email I have sent him. Anyway, I don't want to walk around with that wounded sign on my back anymore. Especially with summer coming. Wish me luck, I will probably have setbacks but I'm hoping it's clear sailing from now on.
You guys are so awesome, thanks for listening and posting replies like you do. I couldn't have done it without you.
Hugs and smiles
lilrocket

~Lil~
I *knew* under all that anger you had survivor instincts. Going away for a few days, talking to someone and getting "LIVE" support, and then coming to the conclusion that the XMM and wife may be getting back together and that's OK, speaks volumes for your need to get past this.
Sending that email? Well, I am too proud a person to have given him that satisfaction, but if you think it helped you, so be it. How about making it the LAST email EVER? Think you can do that? My guess is that he'll delete it anyway so the W has *NO* chance of ever stumbling upon it.
Keep us posted on how things are going at work. Keep you chin up and the wind against your back....just keep moving forward. You are stronger than you think!
Id
As for never emailing him again, yup, not a problem. When I think of him, I think wow, goodluck to him. I settled for him and my life is too short to settle. He has potential to be a good guy but he'll never get there. I was foolish enough to think I could get him there, I was strong enough. I know I demanded more from him than he had and that probably played a role in him running back to her. She would growl but would never come thru on her threats, he knew I would keep going until something happened, like us not sneaking around any longer. I was quite pushy about that towards what ended up being the end. But I'm thankful for that, I don't apologize for it. It happened to get me here where I need to be. Ya, I hate the loneliness but I'll work thru that. Gotta get me back cause I liked me........and so did a lot of other people but she was 'reduced' so she needs to fight her way back.
That was the first email I've sent since we split. It was also the last and at this point I have no desire to have any contact. I'm not bitter. I'm glad it happened so I could learn some lessons and now I'm better for it. Is it normal for the bitterness to leave like that? It's weird. I'm not going to overanalyze it, I accept it for what it is.
As for work, I talked to my partner today and he said the backstabbing has never been so bad. He agrees that people are being overly hard on me but he also said he likes it that I'm going to come out on top........cause I always do! Those are his words. He doesn't see MM as a victim but as an equal player in starting all this. However he agrees he's a coward for running away. I think he'll have his day in the spotlight, by then I'll be off dancing.
Thanks again Id, I can't thank you enough. A little tough at first but just what I needed. I wish I had had a mom like you, someone to be there but make me stand up for myself too. If you ever want a serogate daughter, let me know.
LilRocket
(((Lil)))
You gave me the ultimate compliment. Be your surrogate mom? You got it. Besides, you are so much like my "just recently moved back home college grad daughter" it's uncanny. You 2 would get along G-R-E-A-T! You are both fiesty little fireballs fulla life and spirit.
You know....I'm a wee bit psychic and I see wonderful things happening for you in the not too far future. You're gonna soar like an eagle.....mark my words.
Hang tough and keep smiling,
Id
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Id! Will you read my palm? please???????? I wanna know about me! hehe Seriously, I think that we are all gonna be ok eventually. We all want to get better or we wouldn't be here. I also believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason and that every person you meet is for a reason and you met them at that specific time in your life for a reason. I've thought all along that if me and xMM didn't work out, that I met him for a reason. He helped me get over my ex-bf, and he got me home to TX with my family. I grew up in TX but moved away to FL 5 years ago for ex-bf. That one moved to VA about two years ago, but I stayed in FL. I was in FL when I started talking to xMM who was in TX (altho we work for the same company in the same department). XMM and I would talk about his kids and my niece and nephew. My niece and his daughter are the same age (4). We would talk about them and he would say "is FL really worth missing all this?"
So what I got out of this is knowing that there are other men out there who will love me for me (yes, I believe that xMM did this) and I realized that I was ready to come home. Now instead of being 1000 miles away from everyone, my sister is about 30 mins away and my mother&stepdad and my dad are about 2 hrs away. It's great! I just wish that xMM's separation had actually led to his divorce and we would have lived happily every after, but that's why I'm here, right?
~TxFallon~
Your attitude, if nothing else, is going to get you past this. Yes, I also believe that our APs loved us, (but I'm more inclined to say, "cared for us"), to whatever capacity they were able to, and had the relationship been conceived in a healthy environment, things could have been different. I also agree that we meet people for a reason (this includes anyone that crosses out path), and there is always something to be gained from knowing them.
Embrace the good, toss out the bad, and learn from the ugly. For those of you who are free to find a new love, work on clearing your head and heart for safe landing :)
Id