I'm a novice at this and just at day 3 of NC, so I don't claim to know a lot on how to fix this...
but I hear you, I understand your pain, I understand your anger at yourself and at him.
I think the first thing I would do is listen to yourself. Look a the list of things you do that you know you shouldn't. Listen to yourself, trust that voice the next time you are in the situation. Baby steps...you will get stronger with every passing day and every opportunity that you treat differently than you have. You have control over what you do next. Tell yourself that.
The 2nd is realize you can't do anything about him, what he says, how he feels. You only have control over yourself.
Breathe.
Go do something with someone you care about - a friend, a sister, a brother, etc. Go see a movie to get your mind off it for a just a little bit to give your mind a rest. Another thing I find that helps me is when I go work out. It changes my mood when i am angry and obsessing. I feel better, more positive and empowered.
If I were you...I would start looking for a new job opportunity that will provide a new, fresh start. A new outlet for your brighter future. Away from him. These APs are like drugs to us. Just like when alcoholics have to remove themselves from old places they used to hang at, you have to leave the places that remind you of him.
Take 3 long deep breaths and tell yourself, "I'm going to be all right" and keep on coming back here and writing and sharing.
You must have an incredible sense of humor - because not only did your post speak to the hurts, frustrations, holy Sh^T what the F is wrong with me of having an A, but your humor came ringing through.
Just like other posters have remarked, you took the words right out of my keyboard:
1. Ditto
2. Ditto
3. Notsomuch, because I know he treats her the same way he treats me and I feel bad that she has settled for so little for the 30-something years they've been married.
I understand your point, Victory, but obviously you are farther along in the ending process that I am, and the original poster, from what I gather.
Right now, what keeps me motivated is remembering what brought me to this point, mainly that there was no benefit to the A and that AP's treatment didn't warrant the time/energy I was wasting on him or the risk involved.
I hope, eventually, to be able to look at the bigger picture later in my healing. But right now, it's baby steps and that means to me, looking what is freshest and most hurtful in my mind to keep me from backsliding.
I can authentically say that my xAP was kind, gentle, attentive ... worked so hard to make me feel safe and supported. He 'showed-up' any time he 'could' ... came to my important events, cheered the loudest in the crowd, asked about my family etc ... it doesn't matter, because all the times he couldn't show-up for me were because he had a whole other complete lovely life he was obligated and committed to.
In the end, the A changed us into un-likeable people: people who would lie to one another and our spouses, justify the hurts we were causing, lacked integrity ... and the list goes on. It doesn't matter how lovely or awful, it's a relationship that is unsustainable from the moment it starts.
"In the end, the A changed us into un-likeable people: people who would lie to one another and our spouses, justify the hurts we were causing, lacked integrity ... and the list goes on. It doesn't matter how lovely or awful, it's a relationship that is unsustainable from the moment it starts."
Those words are so true jodi. I was thinking about that today. My situation is different because I am S, but in some ways it was still the same. I had to lie to my family too. How could I admit that I was in love with a MM? It's even harder now because they are worried about me and are wondering why I am so down. I am avoiding them like the plague and I hate doing that to them. They mean the world to me. UGH.
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I'm a novice at this and just at day 3 of NC, so I don't claim to know a lot on how to fix this...
but I hear you, I understand your pain, I understand your anger at yourself and at him.
I think the first thing I would do is listen to yourself. Look a the list of things you do that you know you shouldn't. Listen to yourself, trust that voice the next time you are in the situation. Baby steps...you will get stronger with every passing day and every opportunity that you treat differently than you have. You have control over what you do next. Tell yourself that.
The 2nd is realize you can't do anything about him, what he says, how he feels. You only have control over yourself.
Breathe.
Go do something with someone you care about - a friend, a sister, a brother, etc. Go see a movie to get your mind off it for a just a little bit to give your mind a rest. Another thing I find that helps me is when I go work out. It changes my mood when i am angry and obsessing. I feel better, more positive and empowered.
If I were you...I would start looking for a new job opportunity that will provide a new, fresh start. A new outlet for your brighter future. Away from him. These APs are like drugs to us. Just like when alcoholics have to remove themselves from old places they used to hang at, you have to leave the places that remind you of him.
Take 3 long deep breaths and tell yourself, "I'm going to be all right" and keep on coming back here and writing and sharing.
hugs
IMEP,
You must have an incredible sense of humor - because not only did your
post speak to the hurts, frustrations, holy Sh^T what the F is wrong with me of having an A, but your humor came ringing through.
mustenjoy.....
What an amazing list you have created.
Comments and
Just like other posters have remarked, you took the words right out of my keyboard:
1. Ditto
2. Ditto
3. Notsomuch, because I know he treats her the same way he treats me and I feel bad that she has settled for so little for the 30-something years they've been married.
4. Ditto
And so on...
Your numbers 1 and 7
I'm sorry...but your whole post implies that if your xAP treated you better you'd still be in an A with him.
>>"If they WANTED to treat us better, they would."<<
This statement is not healthy.
Comments and
I understand your point, Victory, but obviously you are farther along in the ending process that I am, and the original poster, from what I gather.
Right now, what keeps me motivated is remembering what brought me to this point, mainly that there was no benefit to the A and that AP's treatment didn't warrant the time/energy I was wasting on him or the risk involved.
I hope, eventually, to be able to look at the bigger picture later in my healing. But right now, it's baby steps and that means to me, looking what is freshest and most hurtful in my mind to keep me from backsliding.
I am completely out of the ending process but I have not forgotten what it was like.
Comments and
I can authentically say that my xAP was kind, gentle, attentive ... worked so hard to make me feel safe and supported. He 'showed-up' any time he 'could' ... came to my important events, cheered the loudest in the crowd, asked about my family etc ... it doesn't matter, because all the times he couldn't show-up for me were because he had a whole other complete lovely life he was obligated and committed to.
In the end, the A changed us into un-likeable people: people who would lie to one another and our spouses, justify the hurts we were causing, lacked integrity ... and the list goes on. It doesn't matter how lovely or awful, it's a relationship that is unsustainable from the moment it starts.
j.
"In the end, the A changed us into un-likeable people: people who would lie to one another and our spouses, justify the hurts we were causing, lacked integrity ... and the list goes on. It doesn't matter how lovely or awful, it's a relationship that is unsustainable from the moment it starts."
Those words are so true jodi. I was thinking about that today. My situation is different because I am S, but in some ways it was still the same. I had to lie to my family too. How could I admit that I was in love with a MM? It's even harder now because they are worried about me and are wondering why I am so down. I am avoiding them like the plague and I hate doing that to them. They mean the world to me. UGH.
Pages