Locked Inside My Head
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| Sun, 11-22-2009 - 9:35am |
Morning Everyone,
My mind has been filled with thoughts about my life ,AXP, my marriage and happiness. I actually counted the days yesterday since I last saw XAP. I thought that is it?! It hasnt been that long but it feels like forever and I hope that within the next 4 months I can heal. I dreamt about AXP lastnight which woke me up to stay up. He was screwing two chicks and he knew that I knew and just didnt care how much it hurt. That dream is still bothing me.
I look at my marriage and wonder if anything ever is going to change, I mean sure there is good days but those good days dont erase the real issues, Im feeling so lost and confused and tried of running around in circles. The thought entered my mind that in all of the dysfunction that an A has to offer , at least in the moment I may be happy. I know how wrong on so many levels and reasons that is. Do things really get better with marriage after an A? I sometimes think my A just kept me in my marriage for the kids. It made married life alittle better to grin and bare it to stay in the marriage for the kids. Maybe I should have left years ago instead of making the choices I made with A's. Here I am , trying to make it work, trying to work it out, trying to find that happy feeling, trying to feel the passion, but it just doesnt come.
XAP is like toxic in my blood, and sometimes its more than others. So much have I wanted to call him but what for? Probaly to feed my own loneiness and unhappiness for just a moment. Last week my dad went into a coma and my 1st reaction was to call XAP, but I didnt. I did talk to him(in my head)

Hi DM,
I am sorry to hear that you had such a bad week :(
And then to have a dream like that... that doesn't help much either.
I wanted to answer your post because it might be quiet today because it's Sunday, but right now I can't think of any good advice. It's so exhausting when your mind keeps spinning round and round and when there are so many thoughts about xAP rushing at you.
we're here for you :)
Hugs,
Htgo
Dear Debra,
I am sorry you
Hey Deb,
As Iddy said, someone needed to hear your post and that someone is def. me.
DM,
You are certainly not alone. I, for one, understand how you feel and have all of the same issues and thoughts.
I've been plagued with vivid and painful dreams, often sexual in nature. I can't sleep and the stress and fatigue is killing me. I'm praying that continuing with NC and working through the pain will eventually bring peace. But, also like you, I sometimes doubt if things will ever get better - with my H, with my marriage, and I get in my dark place and think that the A at least offered periodic highs and glimpses of happiness in what is otherwise a very unfulfilling life. I justified during the A that the A was a bandaid on my M that allowed me to endure and stay in the M for the sake of my children. And I still wonder if I have the strength to stay in this marriage, rebuild it, or end it -- all on my own. Like you, I'm tired, confused and wish I had some sort of guarantee that I'll have happiness and peace somehow.
Also, like you, my xAP is intoxicating (I'll add that mine was beguiling, beautiful beyond words and I loved him.) He could be an fn Jerk - he had character traits that I found repugnant, he never would have gotten away with his sh*t if I were single and vetting him for a "real" relationship. Oh, hell no. He would have been kicked to the curb. Still, did I think of him first when something big and exciting happened in my life recently? Yes. Did I want to tell him first, before anyone else? Yes. Did I want his support, want to hear his response and bask in his praise? Yes. yes. and yes. Do I get angry that I can't stop wanting him? That I can't focus on the cuts he left on my heart (several), and force myself to get over him lickity split? YES. I'm so angry at myself, and at him.
See, I think we're very much alike here.
Now. How am I dealing with this? Sometimes well, sometimes not. Sometimes I'm resolved and strong. Sometimes weak and soooo tempted. What do I do? Come here Several Times A Day. Read. Remind myself WHY I'm ending it. Remind myself that I might be thinking thoughts that are twisted, so I shouldn't act upon them... breathe, read, wait, wait some more... (bam! over that hump.. and on the the next.)
We might have very different reasons for ending our As. I am ending mine because, no matter what, I want to live my life with purpose, direction, fearlessly, and with integrity. I want to reclaim my power and be unashamed of who I am and what I do. No ego perking, sexed-up trist -- Real life OR fantasy A, is worth giving up or compromising THAT. Might kick my H to the curb... definitely kicking loverboy to the curb... The only person that I have to live with forever, who I can not ignore, who will ALWAYS be there for me, and the only person I can't hide from or lie to is ME. I just try to stay focused on that when my thinking gets f'd up and it makes me feel stronger and capable of dealing with the pain.
Hope all my rambling helped. oh, and gee.... I have GOT to lay off the bourbon! I'm too tired to proof or edit so forgive the typos and gaffs!
(God bless you and your family and healing prayers to your dad.)
Dee
((hugs to everyone))
Thank you all very much for helping me with ur words of encouragement. I have full intentions on responding individually to each post but that will have to hold off till later tonight, as Im starting a new job this morning and running out of time. (1st time being employed since the A has been over) Turning over a new leaf today? New start to a new road? Maybe.
I will carry the advice and words with me throughout the day.
Cheers!
Dee
Iddy,
So many of your words did reach me some because youre right(dead on)
Logancollie,
I sometimes wonder if the 'wonder's and why's and who am I' questions is just something that is a life long journey-I dont know.
When you start to have those thoughts what seems to help you get through those moments? I guess, what keeps you strong? I read alot on here and that helps.
Thank you for your P&PT's,He is doing much better.
You got