long story...need help
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| Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:07pm |
Sometime in the next year, he came back. Finally found his career job where he is still today. His house kind of became the gathering place for our whole clique, and we saw or spoke to each other every day. His girlfriend was still there, but irrelevant. He asked me one day, dejectedly, if I was ever attracted to him and did I ever think we might be more than friends (before I got married.) I wrote him a letter, confessing to thoughts I couldn't ignore anymore. We told ourselves the lie that we would do it once, dispel the mystery, and go on with our lives and our friendship. Turns out though, our instincts were right on, and it was pretty difficult for us to keep our hands off each other after that. It was a year until my marriage blew up when I confessed (to loving him, not sex.) A bombshell for all of our friends and families, but I couldn't live the lie, and I was prepared to pay any price to be with him. He told me he loved me. He told me in a year when the dust settled we could be together openly, but we'd have to keep it low key until then. I told him I was strong enough for both of us. And from the moment I gave myself to him, he complained that I'd made it too easy. But by then, I was addicted, I couldn't hide it. I believed that he was "the one", and that if it was real it was unbreakable. Then he started dating someone else, to make it look like he wasn't with me.
I'll spare you all the all the gory details of the next year, but one night in anger he tore the necklace he'd bought me in our summer of love and flushed it down the toilet, and told me he never loved me. I used to go to bed praying not to wake up, and crying when I did. When the year ended he was engaged to someone else...a knee jerk reaction to my sleeping with one of our friends...my reaction to finding out his cover story for our relationship was that I was a one night stand gone psycho. It was horrible. We promised each other we'd stay friends and made our now spouses agree to that too. My heart was dead. He got married, I got re-married. My husband (the mutual friend mentioned earlier)and I have a son, and he and his wife are about to have a son.
It was hard to stay friends, but we needed each other's presence even if we didn't communicate as much as we had. I swallowed my pride and all that pain and soldiered on, but I missed him desperately and found myself wanting him more, not less, as time passed. We didn't talk about it. Almost two years ago now, he called me and told me he'd been wrong about us, and he was sorry...I'd wanted to hear that for so long that I was initially elated, but it didn't change our situations. The erotic charge in our relationship finally got the best of us a few months later and since then we've been stealing moments here and there. We are still struggling with our old issues, and things are decidedly more complicated than the were when I was afraid to kiss him all those years ago.
I imagine he'll have some crisis of conscience when his son is born, and our relationship will go dormant again. I prayed for him to have this child, because I could not have let him go without something he wanted so badly, and that would have seriously complicated things no matter how it happened. So I suppose that I need help in preparing for the end. It hurts just thinking about it. I almost died the last time, and I can't leave my son.

I think maybe you should seek some therapy to figure out what it is about this man that has him in and out of your life for the past 17 years. Good luck.
Jazzdiva
Do you love your current husband? Did you love him when you married him? Try to work on that. Or if you find that you don't....then you need to make other decisions.
Post here...all of us understand to some degree or level. WE are all miring through the pain ourselves.
big hugs!
dharma
Trying to condense all the drama into a few paragraphs meant that large chunks of time and significant events went unaddressed...How we got here could fill a book. I don't think I got across how itegral the OM is in my life. Our clique that used to hang out back at his apartment so long ago is still together. They were all here for the Super Bowl. My husband was an usher in his wedding. Me, my husband, and son were all over at his house this weekend. My point is NC is not really possible as it would create suspicion. Us being good forever is highly unlikely... I guess we're back to "one day at a time." I'd just like to skip to the end and read the last few pages...
Anyway, thanks for the outlet. It helps drown him out of my mind for a while. I can't afford years of therapy, so I appreciate your comments and advice.
Jazzdiva