long story...need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
long story...need help
5
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:07pm
I've been hanging around here for a while because I'm not sure this is where I belong. Certainly I think about ways to continue it more than ways to end it. Life seems so much more vibrant with him in it. I have known him for 17 years. When we met, I was engaged, but we were instant best friends...love at first sight, now I suppose, but at the time I thought it was just the joy of finding a true kindred. We were both working night jobs then so we'd spend our afternoons hanging out at his apartment watching soaps and listening to music. I remember one afternoon, with the sun streaming through the windows making the dust hanging in the air shine like diamonds, the most desperate urge to kiss him, but I didn't. Did not want to risk our beautiful friendship...I did not want to disrupt my life (cruelly ironic now). I sensed it was serious, and hoped if I ignored it things would work themselves out. He met a girl, she moved in, he got a job in another state and took her with him when he moved. We spoke on the phone almost every day and I found myself drawing closer to him even as my wedding plans went ahead. He was there. I wondered if he would object...he didn't. I knew I was in serious trouble the next day when on the plane heading to my honeymoon, his congratulatory kiss was all I could think about...

Sometime in the next year, he came back. Finally found his career job where he is still today. His house kind of became the gathering place for our whole clique, and we saw or spoke to each other every day. His girlfriend was still there, but irrelevant. He asked me one day, dejectedly, if I was ever attracted to him and did I ever think we might be more than friends (before I got married.) I wrote him a letter, confessing to thoughts I couldn't ignore anymore. We told ourselves the lie that we would do it once, dispel the mystery, and go on with our lives and our friendship. Turns out though, our instincts were right on, and it was pretty difficult for us to keep our hands off each other after that. It was a year until my marriage blew up when I confessed (to loving him, not sex.) A bombshell for all of our friends and families, but I couldn't live the lie, and I was prepared to pay any price to be with him. He told me he loved me. He told me in a year when the dust settled we could be together openly, but we'd have to keep it low key until then. I told him I was strong enough for both of us. And from the moment I gave myself to him, he complained that I'd made it too easy. But by then, I was addicted, I couldn't hide it. I believed that he was "the one", and that if it was real it was unbreakable. Then he started dating someone else, to make it look like he wasn't with me.

I'll spare you all the all the gory details of the next year, but one night in anger he tore the necklace he'd bought me in our summer of love and flushed it down the toilet, and told me he never loved me. I used to go to bed praying not to wake up, and crying when I did. When the year ended he was engaged to someone else...a knee jerk reaction to my sleeping with one of our friends...my reaction to finding out his cover story for our relationship was that I was a one night stand gone psycho. It was horrible. We promised each other we'd stay friends and made our now spouses agree to that too. My heart was dead. He got married, I got re-married. My husband (the mutual friend mentioned earlier)and I have a son, and he and his wife are about to have a son.

It was hard to stay friends, but we needed each other's presence even if we didn't communicate as much as we had. I swallowed my pride and all that pain and soldiered on, but I missed him desperately and found myself wanting him more, not less, as time passed. We didn't talk about it. Almost two years ago now, he called me and told me he'd been wrong about us, and he was sorry...I'd wanted to hear that for so long that I was initially elated, but it didn't change our situations. The erotic charge in our relationship finally got the best of us a few months later and since then we've been stealing moments here and there. We are still struggling with our old issues, and things are decidedly more complicated than the were when I was afraid to kiss him all those years ago.

I imagine he'll have some crisis of conscience when his son is born, and our relationship will go dormant again. I prayed for him to have this child, because I could not have let him go without something he wanted so badly, and that would have seriously complicated things no matter how it happened. So I suppose that I need help in preparing for the end. It hurts just thinking about it. I almost died the last time, and I can't leave my son.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:16pm
Wow...what a story.....you have been to hell and back. Let us highlight the AND BACK, shall we? You want to go to hell again? I want you to think back to that ugly place where he treated you like dirt. He called you the one night stand that went psycho, remember? You left one marriage for this man, and now you are considering leaving your present husband??!!! This man had his chance to love you! He f***d it up. Leave it alone. Enjoy your life and your son and your second husband. His remorse now is comforting, but it does you no good to think about the what if's. Throwing your necklace in the crapper?!! Well when he did that he also flushed all chances of having your heart...he doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. Best friend my butthole, friends do not treat eachother like dirt. Your heart is not a revolving door. Its just a case of wanting what you can't have. I played this game with my XOM for three years, and he knows now that he has no chance of ever having me again....he says he wakes up every morning and kicks himself in the butt for it. Well, I guess he should just kick a little harder because in his warped mind he is still thinking I will forgive him and turn my family ass over teakettle for him.....

I think maybe you should seek some therapy to figure out what it is about this man that has him in and out of your life for the past 17 years. Good luck.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:51pm
Gosh, secret, this is a gut wrenching story. The one thing that stands out, though, is when he HAD the opportunity to be with you--he didn't leap at it. You left your marriage and he made himself scarce. Maya Angelou once said "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM". He has shown you who he is....believe it. Try to get some individualized therapy...it helps tremendously. But this guy, this "friend", this potential lover/mate...seems like bad news. You already had your heart ripped out once....why would you want to go through that again?

Do you love your current husband? Did you love him when you married him? Try to work on that. Or if you find that you don't....then you need to make other decisions.

Post here...all of us understand to some degree or level. WE are all miring through the pain ourselves.

big hugs!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:42am
Thanks for your replies. No one knows about this...so no one to talk to. Yes, I know he is a coward. I don't believe that he'll change, no matter how my heart might wish it. Aside from that, we are far more alike than different. We both want our to have cake and eat it too (so to speak). My husband is a great father and partner. He treats me as an equal. He loves me. He never had that unquenchable kind of passion so he doesn't know anything is missing. He grew up poor in an abusive household. This is heaven for him, and I have no intention of taking that away. We are talking about another baby, just not doing much about it.

Trying to condense all the drama into a few paragraphs meant that large chunks of time and significant events went unaddressed...How we got here could fill a book. I don't think I got across how itegral the OM is in my life. Our clique that used to hang out back at his apartment so long ago is still together. They were all here for the Super Bowl. My husband was an usher in his wedding. Me, my husband, and son were all over at his house this weekend. My point is NC is not really possible as it would create suspicion. Us being good forever is highly unlikely... I guess we're back to "one day at a time." I'd just like to skip to the end and read the last few pages...

Anyway, thanks for the outlet. It helps drown him out of my mind for a while. I can't afford years of therapy, so I appreciate your comments and advice.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:31am
Thanks for responding. You know, recently he's told me about his reasons why...he is totally full of s**t, but I'm not quite yet as empowered as you and I still need to forgive and want to believe him. Again, maybe I don't belong here yet. I still can't see him for what he is...want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for reinforcing the truth.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:47pm
You will become empowered secret, it just takes time. It took me a long time. Back in November I wasn't strong enough to tie my shoes. You belong here. Are you trying to end an affair? If so, then you belong here. Babysteps.

Jazzdiva