Longest post ever, love heroin, question
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Longest post ever, love heroin, question
| Sun, 05-09-2004 - 1:41am |
I feel so blessed to have found this website. Maybe the old adage is true that misery loves company; but, to know that others understand the struggle makes it a bit easier. The long version is:
I'm in my mid-20s and started my first real career about two years ago. Met a man at work and never regarded him as more than just a nice co-worker. He ended up serving as my supervisor and I got to know him a little better. He would play an occasional joke on me and we always had comfortable conversations--nothing too deep or personal. Well, we went on work travel together and ended up spending a lot of time together in a group setting. Information sharing got a little too personal which ended up creating an intimacy there. I developed strong feelings and knew that he felt something too. I managed to control myself and broke free from initial attachment--we never talked about what we were feeling to each other. Felt like I was over it, until I left my normal environment to work in another area for a few months. I found (and so did he) it difficult to leave, but managed to go. With the work distance and needing to tie up some loose ends at work, I had to call him on a few issues. This turned into increased cell phone calls, talking about some non-work issues, and eventually, text messaging like crazy. We began talking a few times a day using work as an excuse. I fooled myself into thinking this was innocent because it wasn't like we were talking about our feelings for each other. He did say a few things about his wife to the effect that she wasn't emotionally intimate with him, which made me very uncomfortable because I knew this was dangerous ground. It is apparent to me now that I have provided the emotional intimacy that he craves. A couple weeks ago he text messaged me on my way to work and out of the blue told me he found out his wife is pregnant and indicated in a round about way that he was not very excited about this. I was devastated. Tears came to my eyes and I saw it clearly--I was in over my head with him. I cried for a whole week and could not believe that I was responding that way. I didn't think I felt so strongly for him. I tried to start NC. He didn't get the point though. Kept texting me and calling. I think he felt guilty. He knew I changed after he gave me the news. I tried to be normal but just couldn't. At the end of the week when he called me at work, I had to tell him that I couldn't explain but that I was going through some difficulties and needed some time to myself. He was getting ready to go on a week-long vacation with the family and I figured this would give me some time to deal. There was NC all week. This didn't stop me from checking my phone a billion times to see if he tried to contact me. Later I would find out he checked his phone a billion times too. He showed up in my office a few days ago and I put on a pretty good performance to show nothing was wrong. We ended up talking vaguely about the NC and then talking around the issue. I told him sometimes we end up depending on someone we have no business depending on and when that happens it has to end. I told him I need to cling to the Lord right now and not "others" (meaning him). He left and then called me the next morning and said he needed to talk more directly about the issue. We talked about how the contact with each other had gotten out of control. It was revealed that the strong feelings were mutual and that this was most likely intensified by increased out-of-work contact. I told him that if we were ever going to work together again there would have to be clear boundaries. He apologized for his part in this and I told him that as a responsible party myself, I need to do what is necessary for me to get through this and that the best way would be for us to have NC. He has honored this for 3 days now. Now I must battle with myself everytime I think of a little reason to call or text him. I feel like I've taken love heroin and I'm now going into major withdrawls. This situation is almost the first thing I think of when I get up and when I lie down at night. It is getting a tiny bit easier each day that I don't have contact with him. I've never felt this kind of struggle before in my life. I've been praying like crazy that the Lord would change my feelings for him. I have hope that He will, but because of my actions, it will take some time and some definite suffering for me to get back on the right track. I hate it when I have dug my own grave. Was I stupid for having the more candid conversation about the emotional intimacy? I feel like we're on the same page now about setting boundaries--I guess time will tell. I will not be going back to work for at least another month in a half. I feel like I might be able to get through this as long as there is NC; but am I being naive to think that I could work with him again? Thanks for letting me vent. It feels quite therapuetic just to type about it. I sympathize with you all.
I'm in my mid-20s and started my first real career about two years ago. Met a man at work and never regarded him as more than just a nice co-worker. He ended up serving as my supervisor and I got to know him a little better. He would play an occasional joke on me and we always had comfortable conversations--nothing too deep or personal. Well, we went on work travel together and ended up spending a lot of time together in a group setting. Information sharing got a little too personal which ended up creating an intimacy there. I developed strong feelings and knew that he felt something too. I managed to control myself and broke free from initial attachment--we never talked about what we were feeling to each other. Felt like I was over it, until I left my normal environment to work in another area for a few months. I found (and so did he) it difficult to leave, but managed to go. With the work distance and needing to tie up some loose ends at work, I had to call him on a few issues. This turned into increased cell phone calls, talking about some non-work issues, and eventually, text messaging like crazy. We began talking a few times a day using work as an excuse. I fooled myself into thinking this was innocent because it wasn't like we were talking about our feelings for each other. He did say a few things about his wife to the effect that she wasn't emotionally intimate with him, which made me very uncomfortable because I knew this was dangerous ground. It is apparent to me now that I have provided the emotional intimacy that he craves. A couple weeks ago he text messaged me on my way to work and out of the blue told me he found out his wife is pregnant and indicated in a round about way that he was not very excited about this. I was devastated. Tears came to my eyes and I saw it clearly--I was in over my head with him. I cried for a whole week and could not believe that I was responding that way. I didn't think I felt so strongly for him. I tried to start NC. He didn't get the point though. Kept texting me and calling. I think he felt guilty. He knew I changed after he gave me the news. I tried to be normal but just couldn't. At the end of the week when he called me at work, I had to tell him that I couldn't explain but that I was going through some difficulties and needed some time to myself. He was getting ready to go on a week-long vacation with the family and I figured this would give me some time to deal. There was NC all week. This didn't stop me from checking my phone a billion times to see if he tried to contact me. Later I would find out he checked his phone a billion times too. He showed up in my office a few days ago and I put on a pretty good performance to show nothing was wrong. We ended up talking vaguely about the NC and then talking around the issue. I told him sometimes we end up depending on someone we have no business depending on and when that happens it has to end. I told him I need to cling to the Lord right now and not "others" (meaning him). He left and then called me the next morning and said he needed to talk more directly about the issue. We talked about how the contact with each other had gotten out of control. It was revealed that the strong feelings were mutual and that this was most likely intensified by increased out-of-work contact. I told him that if we were ever going to work together again there would have to be clear boundaries. He apologized for his part in this and I told him that as a responsible party myself, I need to do what is necessary for me to get through this and that the best way would be for us to have NC. He has honored this for 3 days now. Now I must battle with myself everytime I think of a little reason to call or text him. I feel like I've taken love heroin and I'm now going into major withdrawls. This situation is almost the first thing I think of when I get up and when I lie down at night. It is getting a tiny bit easier each day that I don't have contact with him. I've never felt this kind of struggle before in my life. I've been praying like crazy that the Lord would change my feelings for him. I have hope that He will, but because of my actions, it will take some time and some definite suffering for me to get back on the right track. I hate it when I have dug my own grave. Was I stupid for having the more candid conversation about the emotional intimacy? I feel like we're on the same page now about setting boundaries--I guess time will tell. I will not be going back to work for at least another month in a half. I feel like I might be able to get through this as long as there is NC; but am I being naive to think that I could work with him again? Thanks for letting me vent. It feels quite therapuetic just to type about it. I sympathize with you all.

I think you would be well advised to make NC permanent even if it means a job change, what your going through is at the very least an emotional addiction to a married man or rather the emotions he envoctes in you.
You need to kill this here and now or it will only get much worse, it is all to easy to end up sacrficeing everything you believe and are to satisify this insatiable beast, your self respect and self-esteem will end up trashed.
Satisfying the addiction will become your Lord and master.
Be strong and walk away well you can.
F