looking for some insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
looking for some insight
5
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 10:00am
ive been reading alot of messages posted on this board but this is the first time i have ever wrote one on here. im a married woman of 15yrs with 3 kids. my husband isnt a bad guy. we have had our ups and downs like all marriages does. but about 2 yrs ago i started to have a EMA with this guy my husband and i both are friends with,we met him through our daughter....he is our daughters friends father. well me and the o/m started to see each there as much as we could,now im not sure if he feels the same for me or if i am just a stand in til he finds someone else to have a relationship with " he is a single man" well i fell for him hook line and sinker! i even tried to leave my husband for him once although my husband had no clue it was for someone else!but i ended up going back for reasons of guilt!me and this guy still saw each other when possible but now i fell that this A is never gonna be more that that"a affair" if the o/m would tell me he wanted to be more i would seriosely concider leaving my marriage. but he has never said he would want more with me. so i know i need to end the affair becouse im tired of not knowing where me and him stand. plus i know its not fair to my husband. i know if the o/m wasnt in the picture i could try to make things work with my husband and who knows maybe i could fall back in love with him again.but all i do is think about this other guy!! i tried to end it with the o/g before but he wouldnt let it go!i think he wants me to be there when he wants me and thats it! i have never ever been in this place before! ive never cheated on my husband let alone have these feelings for another man....i need to end it but how do i get over all these feelings and just let go....i feel like im such a bad person for these feelings.i could sure use some advise...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:19am
Don't be so hard on yourself. I would try and find out very clearly and directly if this guy wants a future with you. I can't see how you can move forward without this information. Unless of course, your gut is already telling you the truth. Just know you are not alone. You will do what is right for you and your family. It will come to you. It did for me. I am currently focusing on my husband and my marriage. Although, I do backslide and dream about my mm, and when I do, I try not to beat myself up about it. Emphasis on "try."

ifm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:09pm
Hey, I just started on the message board this week also. First our situations are similar and when I read things that I think or feel from someone else I see it somewhat clearer than I can see my own situation. My O/M was single, married, divorced and now see XW again while our A has been going on and each day I waited for him to come and just steal me, we may have joked about it and said oh wouldn't it be great, but when it came down to being serious, he would try to talk me out of leaving my marriage. Now right or wrong on that I don't know, he would argue that he cared for me so much he didn't want to see me without my kids ever.

Notice that almost everyone on this message board still has feelings for their husbands. You even said you would work on your marriage if you weren't having the A. To me that says it all. Your husband is not providing something that you are needing and you need to work on that, I've been going to therapy and it is helping. I'm sure you have feelings for this OM, trust me I understand that and my heart has been breaking all week. But when it all comes down to right and wrong and what really matters, end the A, and start making the life with your husband that you dreamed of as a little girl. I know I'm talking tough and I'm not really, but I know how much I have hurt in this A for 10 years and I want my life back.


Good luck in making your decision. GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 3:23pm
thanks for your reply forgive. ive tried to talk to the o/m about how he feels about me and if we could have a future maybe, all he would say is ...."your married!" it so annoyed me.i hate not knowing for sure how he feels! when we are together i feel like he really wants to be with me he would even tell me he wants me to stay! on one occasion he made a comment about what it would be like once i stayed the night with him! he gives me hot and cold feelings all the time!i know i need to just leave him alone but man thats harder said than done. well who knows maybe a light will just come on and ill know what to do, but thank you so much for your reply!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 3:40pm
thanks for your reply! ive have tried to work on my marriage,for about 6 months i didnt talk or see the o/m, he called me all the time even though he was seeing this other girl and eventually moved her in! he would give me a hard time for avoiding him all the time and i told him i couldnt do this nomore. then on day he showed up at my house and told me how i gave up on him! how he started having feelings for me! well i saw him today and he told me he was gonna protect his heart from married woman.he told me he didnt want to be the reason for breaking up a marriage! i told him now i know where i stand with him. when i was ready to leave he got anoyed becouse i was in such a hurry to leave! he told me that he is attracted to me even though im married!lord he is sooooo confusing me here...does he or does he not want a relationship or not!!!!if not ill let him be no matter how bad it hurts. but i know he will want to see me again and not let it be!i dont know if he realizes how much i love him.i want so much more from him than what he is giving. i dont know how to talk to him bout this maybe someone could give a few ways to talk to him, he likes to joke about everything!.....any ideas???
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 4:08pm
Ut oh l2l. I was afraid that may be his response--sounds like he may want you to stay married. Again, I would be very clear about wanting to leave my marriage for him. You're gonna have to ask a direct yes or no question(s). If I leave my husband, do we have a future together? Is marriage a part of that equation? Stuff like that. When I first got to know my mm, I tried to introduce him to a girl friend of mine. He told me he was so unhappy in his marriage; she was getting a divorce, and open to dating. His response was clear--very clear. I hear it clearly N-O-W that is. Not then. Then... I didn't allow his comment to become part of my conscious memory. He said he didn't want to hurt her. I said what do you mean? He said, if she fell in love with him, he didn't want to hurt her. I--duh, didn't get it. Now, after my a with him--I do. What he was really saying is: I want to get involved emotionally and physically with a happily or not so happily mw because I have no intention of leaving my wife. I have no intention of having any future with You. Took me awhile, but I got it NOW. Yes, I was slow, and yes, I fell for him--not right away, but when I did--I fell hard. I should have run so fast when I realized what he wanted, but I was a fool, and was intrigued, like a big dummy. *shaking my head* He is ten years younger, and I was taken by the attention he paid me. He told me all the things my husband has forgotten to say to me over the years: I'm beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, kind, a good wife... etc. He hung on my every word. He had no fear of sharing his feelings and had a fabulous ability to tap into major emotions--unlike my h--he was a very emotional guy. However, I've learned the hard way he used his emotions to manipulate our relationship. He is an emotional abuser. When I wanted to leave him, out came the tears, the words, the feelings that I couldn't resist. He is a great dad, and he truly tries to be a good husband--except for the a thingy, lol. Geeeeez. Bla bla bla, you get the picture. Go with you gut instinct. It's never wrong. I'm just so tired of all of this, and I'm so done. I'm taking it one day at a time, and my hope is I can one day say, Y-E-S, this is over--completely--and I am a better person because of it, and my marriage is stronger for it too. ~ifm