Looking for some opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Looking for some opinions
1
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 1:43pm

I posted a little bit about this morning on Pal's thread but I thin I need some more imput/support..whatever you want to call it.

I am not trying to deny what happened . At least I am not trying to. MM were never about the IC. We never had IC. We started out as 2 people who dated before we met our spouses but always had an attraction. We remained friends for the next several years. When this began things in my M were not great. But for the next year and a half Mm and I really were friends with benefits, an emotional A if you will. I compartmentalized as well as he did. We spoke when we did and it was never an issue. We saw each other every 4-6 weeks and just kissed. Everything seemed to change after the birth of our children and a long hiatus btn seeing each other. I had also experienced HUGE life changes. It started to intensify. Daily emails and phone calls were the norm. The conversation was more flirty and sexual. We did more than kiss when we saw each other. He began to obtain all of my thoughts. I couldn't wait until the next call or email. I put all of my happiness, entertainment etc in him and our A. I know I began to use Mm to fill every void in my life. I am not saying he was blameless but I know I caused a great deal of excess stress for both of us. But what do you want. It is an A. There are no rules except for the ones you set which I messed up anyway. I see that now. I am doign things to remedy the other ares in my life that need to be worked on includign my M. But more imporatntly the areas that caused me to be unhappy.

Ok..so now here we are in day 8 of NC. The most we have ever gone except during the birth or our children and when he ended dit things last summer (mainly b/c he was on vacation and we couldn't speak). But this is long time for us. He asked for time so I could get used to this change btn us. He as always had maintained he wants some sort of a friendship. I usually by now would send an email or text but I haven't. I actually am happy (maybe not happy but still) that Mm put an end to our A as it had become. It was too much for either of us and I would have never been able to end it. There are things that I am relieved about now. But I cant help missing my friend. That is what he really was the whole time. No promises about the future. No talk of bad marriages. no lies. I really hate the thought that after knowing MM for 12 years we are never going to be able to salvage our friendship. I am not having as much trouble giving up the calls, emails etc as I am the person. I am someone that keeps in touch with all my old boyfriends (all 4 of them) and yes my H knows that. Is it completely unrealistic and unhealthy to think Mm and I will one day be friends?

Thanks

Bria

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:13pm

<<>

Bria,

I don't think it is unrealistic to think that you and MM can EVENTUALLY be friends, but I do think it will take a long time, and it won't happen until you have no emotional romantic feelings toward him. I say this because my xMM is not my 1st MM. ( I know, I'm really sick!) I spent 6 months with another MM who promised all the same things they all do, but of course never go through with. I wrote him a letter and ended things with him. I only ended things with him 1 time. I never went back to him or contacted him no matter how much he pleaded. (I now know that I WASN'T in love with him like I thought.) Anyway, After 6 months of NC with him, and me dating a few (single) guys between, I finally got in contact with him. We are now friends, and that's it. I don't feel anything more than that for him AT ALL!! I can't imagine ever kissing him again. yuck!! But I see him quite often and we talk about every other day. And my name is programmed in his phone as my REAL name and not some guy, incase his W were to find it.

So yes, I think you can have hope that you can be friends with him. But I think you need to be OVER HIM before that will take place. Which is why I don't think I can ever be friends with my latest xmm. Funny how it was so easy for me to let go of the last one, yet can't help but hang on to this one. UGH!!

Good Luck Cap,

Pal