Looking for an update from CSN
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Looking for an update from CSN
| Mon, 04-12-2010 - 9:54am |
Hi CSN- I know you had that party Saturday night that you were attending with your H, but that xap and his W would also be attending... How did it go? Can't wait to here.
Hugs,

Hey Jane,
Thank you so much for caring about me. I spent the entire day yesterday working on school assignments and didn't have time to visit EAS.
I did OK at the party Saturday night. There were many people to talk to so that helped a lot. H and I arrived about 20 minutes ahead of XAP and his W. I didn't talk to him, nor did I make eye contact with him except for once. I turned my head to look for my H and I caught XAP looking at me. I wasn't even aware of his whereabouts at that moment. I made eye contact by mistake and quickly looked away. I'm pretty sure he wanted that to happen, because in the past during meetings, etc. he would always try to get me to look at him and always had a comment when I tried to avoid eye contact.
I said hello to his W but did not talk to her. I didn't purposely avoid her; it was just busy and we both had many people to catch up with. XAP, however, did have a couple of conversations with my H and I found myself very defensive of my H. I wanted XAP to just leave him alone. How dare he approach my H for a friendly conversation??
We left the party without any problems, but the few times I did glance at XAP his face was very flushed, as if he were very affected by the situation. I've seen him that way a few times during the 3-year A. When he was upset or embarrassed by something, he became very flushed. So of course that made me wonder what he was thinking.
I spent all day yesterday wondering what was going through his mind Saturday night. I spent way too much time rehashing details of the A. I left the house for a couple of hours to do some shopping and I swear, every store I went into was playing some sappy love song that reminded me of him or some aspect of the A. I had a tough day. Shopping wasn't a smart move on my part because that's what I always did when I wanted to talk to XAP over the weekend, so naturally I spent the whole time thinking about him.
To use your words once again, I really wish he would quit renting space in my head. I've had enough of it, but clearly I'm still affected by the A and clearly I haven't let it go yet. There is no danger of breaking NC, because I refuse to do that, but I can't seem to completely get past it. I don't even have time to think about my A, but the thoughts find their way in nonetheless. It's been >4 months since I told him goodbye. How long will it take for me to get over all this???
Thank you, Jane, for thinking of me. You're the best!
CSN
Hi CSN-
It sounds like you did wonderful. I know that afterwards it's hard. I spent the next several days obsessing over xap and the A... but after a few days, the shock of the situation wore away and I was back to my "old" self. You are so strong. And remember, it's ok to feel as long as you don't act... and I know that you won't :) You are an inspiration.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
CSN -
I'm so glad you posted your update and that Jane posted a message to you, because I was thinking of you as well. It sounds like you came through it with flying colors and that your xAP was actually more affected than you were!
Hey Gal,
This makes a lot of sense:
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You're exactly right, and I hadn't thought of it that way. I work with XAP so I see him or hear his voice nearly every day.
Something just occurred to me, though. I was in a meeting again today with XAP and I didn't even think about it beforehand, like I usually do. I sort of showed up at the meeting and he was there, and I thought to myself, "Oh yeah, XAP's in this meeting." And that's really all it was. No dreading the meeting, nothing like that today. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe I'm a little more healthy than I give myself credit for at times.
Thanks for your support, Gal. It means the world to me. This board is healing me little by little.
CSN