Losing the "spark"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Losing the "spark"
5
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:08pm
I've been wondering what I'm going to do without the "spark" that the A. provided in my life. Someone posted about being addicted to the drama and excitement and that was dead-on. I've always been attracted to "bad boys". My husband was a former bad boy who completely calmed down when we got married and even though I thought that I wanted him to, once he did, I think I lost interest. The A. was energizing in many ways and I liked it that I had this secret and people who knew me would be shocked if they knew the truth. It was like I was putting something over on everybody; in my otherwise totally ordinary life, I had this wild thing going on. Believe me, I know how unhealthy and sick this is and that it has to stop but I keep thinking, now my life will really be dull. What will replace the excitement I used to feel on seeing an e-mail from him or his number in the caller i.d? What do "normal" people do to put a little spark into their lives or do they not feel the need for it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:50pm
Too, thank you - you hit the nail on the head - summed up "me" better than I could.

I too love the secret, the excitement, the knowing I am getting away with something. It's especially difficult with me because DH already busted me once (a year ago). He is a cop and is very watchful and paranoid. Even so I have been able to "play" with 3 other men since then. Each time I think to myself This is it, no more. . . . But let a few days go by, and I obsess on what happened, and I want more. . . .

I don't know that I am a "player," but maybe I am at a "player" point in my life. I am 38 and my M is such a cold dead thing. DH wants me for his daily sex and that is it.

I don't know what would replace this "excitement" that you speak of. Maybe somebody else on the board can help both of us with this.

Susie M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:30pm
How about volunteering at a Hospice Center. Then you can get excited over knowing you have your whole life ahead of you to love your family and friends.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:27am
A big turn on for me in this whole thing has been my "other wild side" that no one knows about. Why do I like this?? I have no idea! But I can totally relate to everything you wrote! I'm wondering if I lost touch with the silly fun me that I used to be when I was single and had no responsibilities. Midlife crisis for me? Maybe!

I was actually thinking of getting a tatoo on my lower back. No one would know it was there but me and DH and anyone who happened to get a glimpse if it showed once in awhile. I don't dress in short shirts - so it wouldn't show normally. I have no idea why this appeals to me - but I like knowing that I am not all that I appear. Maybe a self-esteem thing. My MM thinks I am WILD and horny all of the time and just a lover of life and adventure. Ha! If he only lived with me! I am so not that way! I could lose about 20 pounds - so I am a little chunky (fat by some standards, but not by mine!), but not really fat - and my MM thinks it is because of Carpe Diem - I sieze the day! He sees me as someone who enjoys good food, good wine, good fun, laughs, conversations and sex! And he says he loves my curves and thinks I am hot. That is so hard for me to resist!!

I know I can find that spark somewhere else - and you are right - the question is where?

I will talk about this with my therapist. If I find any good ideas, I'll pass them on here. Share any that you come across too if you can!

-lazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:35am
Well, I consider myself something of an expert in the area of drama, chaos and bad boys! and yeah, I know the "spark." I've spent my entire life chasing it, and feeling sorry for the folks who could live a "normal" life, without drugs, alcohol, affairs, etc. Fortunately, I found recovery. The 12-step program has taught me that we, all humans, are born with a void. Some people feel it more intensely than others (I would be on the intense, over the top, end of the spectrum). And you try to fill the "void" with all kinds of external crap; shoes, clothes, men, chocolate, brownies, cars, houses, etc. None of them do it. If you feel pain because you can't fill the void, you try to numb the pain with drugs, alcohol, eating disorder, whatever gets you out of yourself and makes the pain stop. Eventually, you realize that nothing is going to fill the void, except YOU and some understanding of spirituality.

Since I've been working the 12-steps, I have gradually decreased my need for "sparks" in my life. That's why I get so darn frustrated when the XMM shoots me a text message. My serenity is still pretty fragile, and he can poke a hole in the damn with just one lousy text message.

I do have friends who've been working the steps for a long time, and they're further along in the process. They no longer crave the spark, and have long stopped chasing it. They live with alot of gratitude for what they have in their life and have given up making chaos and trouble for themselves and others.

And then there are these "earthlings," people who seem never to have needed the "spark" to begin with! JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:45am
Hey Lazy!

I totally agree with you- part of the draw of my A was being someone so sexy and daring (everything happened at work) to OM and not having my co-workers, H, and family suspect a thing. I look like a good girl, so I'm told, and it felt good to be somebody's bad girl. I had a lot of boyfriends before I got married, but I've never just been someone's object of lust, ya know? I'm not brave enough for a real tattoo, but I love the idea of a henna tattoo. Also, I know it's not really daring at all, but last week I got a toe ring that just makes me feel sexy and kind of reminds me that staying away from OM doesn't mean I'm losing my sexuality, even though it feels like it. I'm still struggling with reconciling my "bad girl" side with my peaceful responsible self, so I'm open to ideas on this one, too! One thing that has helped, and I mentioned this in another post, is that I got a Bellydance DVD! (The Goddess Workout with Dolphina) It's kind of cool to be learning something so fun and sexy, and knowing how shocked people would be if this good girl broke out into hip gyrations and shimmies gives me a little bit of a rush! Hah! I'm sure I look ridiculous, but it feels great! :)

Looking forward to more suggestions on this one!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby