Good for you for not contacting him, and coming here instead!
First up ((HUGS!)) I know how you feel, re: not being able to post so feeling like you had nothing to contribute and therefor should just 'go away'. I did the same...and it landed me right back into A-land. That hurt *way* more than anything this board could dish up! So, I will say - even if you don't feel like you can post advice, please stick around and read, read read. Maybe you'll see yourself in something and you can respond to that. Start small. Share your story with a newbie if you see something similar. The point of this board is not to be an armchair Dr.Phil, but to provide support for others and through that support and strengthen yourself. I also (and I think many others here) know what it's like to fixate on how xAP is doing, how they feel or don't feel. That is what kept me in the A so long, I had let it consume me, I let how he treated me become my indicator of what I was worth. I stuck around waiting for him to treat me differently so I could then feel differently about myself. Thing is, he was never going to treat me differently...and that doesn't mean a darn thing about me! It doesn't mean that I (and you) are worth any less, that we are worth crap treatment. He chose to treat me the way he did, that speaks of him. And it doesn't speak very well, same with your xAP. I chose to let him treat me as he did, and that didn't speak well of me. So, I chose to stop that treatment because I knew he sure as heck wasn't going to. You can do the same here and chose to focus on you, why you got into what you did, what it is you're missing that you're still holding onto someone who doesn't seem like a catch at all, rather than what he's going home to. He could come home to hell on earth and you know what - in terms of you and your healing, it doesn't make a difference. You matter just because you are 'you', your worth doesn't rest upon what his home life is or isn't like. We'll never know 100% what it is they do or do not feel and it doesn't matter, it'll just make us crazy thinking about it. I know it would make me crazy, heck, it did! I would let myself be consumed with thoughts of 'he said his W/M was abusive, is he okay? How could he stay in a place like that?'. It doesn't matter now. If it was true, it's not my problem and he can do what needs doing w/o dragging someone else along for the ride. If it's a lie, well, I wouldn't be surprised. Either way, it doesn't mean anything to me. I understand the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, the hurt and anger. I'm S (never married) and xAP is a MM. I know what it's like to go home alone and know that xAP has not, what it's like to struggle every day/week/month on a 'starving student' budget and then hear from xAP that he and his W just bought a new truck (only hours after we had been together. Barf!), the feeling that somehow the 'something' with him was better than nothing. Oh, no, no it is/was not. There are worse things than being alone. I'm also going through dealing with the regret over passing up a chance with a really great guy because my head was so thick in the A fog. I'm shooing away the irrational thoughts that because of the A and how I was treated/let myself be treated, because of this missed change with the S guy...that, somehow I'll windup alone forever. That these were my only two chances for the rest of my life and I've blown them both. Oh, I know that it's not true, I'll meet others down the road if I choose to. But what I am saying is, I know the feeling. I'm only 3 and a bit weeks of NC (though, this is the 3rd ending. One by him, under the bus I went, second was an attempt by me, I caved and didn't have/take EAS support, and this is my third go - and it's going/sticking much better). And it's crappy, it hurts...and it keeps you stuck. What he is or is not doing, feeling, thinking, whatever. Doesn't matter. Stick around, keep reading and post when you think you can. Focus on you and you will get out and through this, but you need to stick around so the board can help you. Big hugs and love!
---- 'It may be that when we no longer know what to do, We have come to our real work, And that when we no longer know which way to go, We have begun our real journey' - Wendell Berry
---- 'It may be that when we no longer know what to do, We have come to our real work, And that when we no longer know which way to go, We have begun our real journey' - Wendell Berry
Good for you for not contacting him, and coming here instead!
First up ((HUGS!))
I know how you feel, re: not being able to post so feeling like you had nothing to contribute and therefor should just 'go away'. I did the same...and it landed me right back into A-land. That hurt *way* more than anything this board could dish up! So, I will say - even if you don't feel like you can post advice, please stick around and read, read read. Maybe you'll see yourself in something and you can respond to that. Start small. Share your story with a newbie if you see something similar. The point of this board is not to be an armchair Dr.Phil, but to provide support for others and through that support and strengthen yourself.
I also (and I think many others here) know what it's like to fixate on how xAP is doing, how they feel or don't feel. That is what kept me in the A so long, I had let it consume me, I let how he treated me become my indicator of what I was worth. I stuck around waiting for him to treat me differently so I could then feel differently about myself. Thing is, he was never going to treat me differently...and that doesn't mean a darn thing about me! It doesn't mean that I (and you) are worth any less, that we are worth crap treatment. He chose to treat me the way he did, that speaks of him. And it doesn't speak very well, same with your xAP. I chose to let him treat me as he did, and that didn't speak well of me. So, I chose to stop that treatment because I knew he sure as heck wasn't going to. You can do the same here and chose to focus on you, why you got into what you did, what it is you're missing that you're still holding onto someone who doesn't seem like a catch at all, rather than what he's going home to. He could come home to hell on earth and you know what - in terms of you and your healing, it doesn't make a difference. You matter just because you are 'you', your worth doesn't rest upon what his home life is or isn't like. We'll never know 100% what it is they do or do not feel and it doesn't matter, it'll just make us crazy thinking about it. I know it would make me crazy, heck, it did! I would let myself be consumed with thoughts of 'he said his W/M was abusive, is he okay? How could he stay in a place like that?'. It doesn't matter now. If it was true, it's not my problem and he can do what needs doing w/o dragging someone else along for the ride. If it's a lie, well, I wouldn't be surprised. Either way, it doesn't mean anything to me.
I understand the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, the hurt and anger. I'm S (never married) and xAP is a MM. I know what it's like to go home alone and know that xAP has not, what it's like to struggle every day/week/month on a 'starving student' budget and then hear from xAP that he and his W just bought a new truck (only hours after we had been together. Barf!), the feeling that somehow the 'something' with him was better than nothing. Oh, no, no it is/was not. There are worse things than being alone. I'm also going through dealing with the regret over passing up a chance with a really great guy because my head was so thick in the A fog. I'm shooing away the irrational thoughts that because of the A and how I was treated/let myself be treated, because of this missed change with the S guy...that, somehow I'll windup alone forever. That these were my only two chances for the rest of my life and I've blown them both. Oh, I know that it's not true, I'll meet others down the road if I choose to. But what I am saying is, I know the feeling. I'm only 3 and a bit weeks of NC (though, this is the 3rd ending. One by him, under the bus I went, second was an attempt by me, I caved and didn't have/take EAS support, and this is my third go - and it's going/sticking much better). And it's crappy, it hurts...and it keeps you stuck. What he is or is not doing, feeling, thinking, whatever. Doesn't matter. Stick around, keep reading and post when you think you can. Focus on you and you will get out and through this, but you need to stick around so the board can help you.
Big hugs and love!
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry