Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Lost
9
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:37pm
Well things were going well between H and I until this weekend (we have been trying to work it out for the past couple of weeks). We went to a function on Saturday and my MM and his wife were there. I was ok with things and so was my H. MM and his wife on the other hand were not. MM actually had a very hard time with it. He couldn't even be in the same room as me and eventually took off without even telling his wife where he was going or that he was leaving. She told me about MM, and I have to admit it caused me to really be worried. So much that I contemplated calling him and speaking with him but I didn't. Later on the night when I was inside and H was outside MM came up to him and gave him a letter. It basically said how mad he was at my H for doing this to him and I, and that it didn't have to be this way. That he still wanted to be friends with me so badly and that he cared about the both of us (my H and his wife have known what has gone on between us all along). So we dealt with that...it was hard but it was ok. I told my H that I wanted to call MM because he was in so much pain that I felt that I was the root of all his pain and that I needed to talk to him. Well MM beat me to the punch and we did end up talking. I told him that this situation was only temporary and that I did want him in my life, if only as friends. I also told him that he has to get to point where he has to fight for what he believe in. Screwed up I know, but he if wants me he has to fight for me. He dropped off a letter for me the next day basically saying how much he loved me and how much he needed me to be in his life. He didn't care what form this might be in, whether it is just calling every once in while or actually leaving our spouses to be together. I told my H about the letter and he wanted to read it, so I let him. It contained part of the truth about the situation so I let him. He was hurt and angry about it. My H insists that I still haven't made up my mind. And he is correct I haven't. I know I can't have it all but I am scared to make a choice that I might regret later on. I guess I need someone to tell my the hard honest truth that I can't tell myself.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 5:14pm

BAL

You want the cold hard truth, there are two people that are not to be blamed for this stinking mess YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE, how dare that JERK blame your husband for his pain, he is hurting because he messed with someone elses spouse...HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Time for him to GROW UP and take responsibility for his actions and the pain they have brought into the lives of the people around him.

YOU need to star TOTAL NO CONTACT and deal with your resonsibilities to your husband and children if any. You have to get this guy out of your life completely including partes or any other place your going to see him, there is know way your going to be making good desisions about your marriage with him working in the back ground to sink your marriage and that is what he is doing, he is SO LUCKY your husband has not beat him into the ground for showing up at your house like that.

ONE THING TO BARE IN MIND "WHAT HE WILL DO WITH YOU HE WILL DO TO YOU". Could you ever really trust him and could he really ever trust you ?

Never ever end a marriage with the idea that the AP will be there for you, married men that cheat almost never leave there wife for the OW but many will lie like a thief to end the OW marriage and then just keep her on a string for years to come while her husband moves on with some one worthy of him.

95+ percent of relationships found in affairs die in under one year after the AP get together in a real world relationship in which the have to face real world problems and each other 24/7, the old saying is true if you want to end an affair live together.

While here is the COLD HARD TRUTH what are you going to do with it ????/

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 5:36pm
BA, Free has laid it out for you correctly. You need to get your act together and establish the priorities for your life. Husband, family, children or OM? OM sounds like a poor bet. Your H and OM's W deserve better than what you and OM have been giving them. Stop wasting their lives. Think long and hard before you leave M for an OM who cannot be trusted. Be thankful that H is apparently willing to R. Do you realize how much pain you are responsible for? Hoping you make a wise decision for everyone involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 7:23pm
Thank you both for your brutal honesty. It is something that I really need to hear right now. I don’t have any children (thank goodness). I would never allow something like this to happen if I had children. It would not be something I would ever want to put them through. You are probably questioning why I putting my husband through this then? And honestly, I have no idea why. I know that we have problems in our M, long before MM came into it. I know that I now must either choose to leave or to stay and work on my M. It is a difficult choice but the reality is that I made a lifelong commitment when I married my H. Something that I should live up to. So why is it so hard?? Thank you again for your knowledge.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 7:31pm
I agree with Free.. and its such a hard thing (a mess basically) to have your MM contacting your husband about you and so very dysfunctional in a lot of ways. There has to be a point where you walk away from that MM completely. I believe that once you start messing around with someone who's already a part of your marriage life (be it friends' or whatever of you and your spouse) its more of a mess than any type of EMA there is. Because there that person is- and you have to socialize with them/try to make something work after the fact, try to deal with your spouse seeing them etc. It's awful and I'm sure you see that. You say you would never have done this if you had kids, but what's the difference? I didn't plan to have an EMA and I have kids, but it was someone who lives six hours away and had no connection to my everyday life. You now have a husband who is probably wondering what the heck to hope for. You said your marriage has some problems, and yet you made a lifetime commitment to him. That is true, BUT--life time commitments don't mean you stay with a person you are not compatible with..so if I were you I'd cut out contact with the MM and see what exactly your marriage can be about. If he's the one for you- stay with him and don't have a friendship with the man who handed YOUR husband a letter. And if you find out that your husband is not the man for you- do something about it- but don't do it for a man who already cheated on his wife too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 11:44pm

im sorry but your MM has no backbone at all

he should just let it go, he has hurt so many people already

i am sorry but MM actions are very selfish, i think in the end he will end up in the gutter, i am surprise MM wife did not kick him out yet, u are lucky that your husband has given you another chance, u should take that offer from your husband, seldom we get a second chance

i can only wish i will be given a second chance in life

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 12:00pm
My MM just called me and told me that he left his wife and that he wants to be with me. I am still in shock that this has happened. He told me he is doing this to help me. That I have hinted that I need this from him by telling him to fight for me and that I am waiting for something to happen (ie him leaving). Now I am even more confused than ever. I want to end all this madness once and for all. Yet, I don't know what to do or what I should be risking. I think I can't even begin to process the thought of leaving my marriage or the pain that it would involve. I think I am kind of removed from all of it. So this really all doesn't seem real to me. I think I am on the edge of having a nervous breakdown and simply can't stop myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 3:13pm
BA, Think about this. If your H were to be having an A like you....How would you feel? Would you be terribly hurt; would you be relieved; or would you not care? If you wouldn't care then perhaps you would be doing H a favor by D. What you are doing now is not benefiting you, H, or OM. IMO OM is a serious risk; sounds unstable. Do you think he might force a decision by letting H know? Hope you make a decision which you can live with because you will have to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 4:13pm

B/A

You should give his WIFE a call and see if she knows he has left her MANY O/W have been told what you were told and learned to there shock after leaving there HUSBAND that the XMM never told his wife he was leaving and never did leave her.

If you want a look at YOUR future if you leave your husband for this head case TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT HIS WIFE, how has he treated her, do you want the same treatment from him.

All this CONFUSION says pretty clearly that this is a VERY UNHEALTHY "RELATIONSHIP", if you leave your husband for this unstable person I expect in a few months you will either be trying to get your husband to give you another chance or your going to just be ALONE because this is not going to work this gut is totally SELFISH and will bring that SELFISHNESS to any "relationship" that he is part of.

I STRONGLY suggest that YOU inforce TOTAL NO CONTACT against him until you know that your thinking clearly so that you do not end your family only to live to regret it.

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN if so do you have any concern for there future or are you totally focused on you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: balancing_act2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 5:25pm

BA,

MM leaving his wife is not the same as DIVORCE, he can go back anytime, in my opinion, MM is playing u and your H, i think he is dangerous, very unstable i think

no contact, let it play out , see if he realy is getting a divorce

jmo,
max