Lost and Sad....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Lost and Sad....
3
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:58pm
My A just got discovered by by his wife. It has been a mess ever since. He denied, I denied and we are NC. Why does it take so little to shatter the "love" we all experience in an affair? I am so hurt that he denied his involvement when she called me. I have pined for man for so long, I must have dreamt about him millions of times when we were not in this A, I have only wished him the best. BUT why does it hurt so much?? I hate being denied of love, emotions just like that, it shatters my faith in him. why does it have to happen me all the time??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 3:50pm
i have a complicated situation--in that both my H and I had As around the same time--so, unfortuantely, i can see this from both sides.

When I confronted my H about his OW, he lied for months. Only when i found some pretty compelling evidence of his A, did i kick him out of the house. He is back now--living in a separate bedroom, for the sake of our children--but he still denies what was clearly a very intense A. I've read his emails to her: i know. He is in denial. I have learned from the"Betrayed Spouses Board" that men who have cheated will never, ever come clean with it--maybe a few do, but i think that is rare. Your guy is going to deny it forever, if he can. My H knows i know how much he loved this woman--but he still denies it. It's as if he has almost convinced himself it never happened--he has rationalized it so much.

RE: my own xMM, he told me he would never, ever tell his wife, even if she asked. I told him i would tell my H, and this really bothered him. Problem is: my H has never cared enough to even consider that i might have an A.

Men will not tell the truth about this. That's just the way it is. It's not about you. It's about them.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 7:44pm
I wish I knew the answer to this question. You have been given a taste of somthing that is so wonderful and it is taken away from you.

The exact same thing happened to me - only W found out twice. The first time she found out when we were both confronted we both swore up and down that nothing had ever happened between us. She believed XMM and I to a point but made it clear that our "friendship" upset her but she would allow us to remain friends. The second time she found out that was it - NC started. XMM always promised me that he would never tell her what really went on and one time I broke NC and asked how much she knew. He assured me that she did not know. I am pretty sure that she knows that we are both lying but she doesn't know the extent of what was going on.

I know how it feels for the one person that you connect with so well and love to just drop off the face of the earth without a goodbye. Sure there is an explanation - he got busted - but there are so many unanswered questions. How could this person tell you he loves you and all of hte time you spend together is so special and he wants to be with you go off like that and never speak to you again? You then start to sit and wonder - Did any of it even mean anything to him? Does he still think about you and the times that you shared? How could he do this to me? Occasionally I have even started to wonder if he was just using me. I know deep in my heart that he wasn't using me but sometimes I wish that he was because it would make it easier to accept.

It has been over 5 months since I have seen XMM and more than 2 months of NC. Sure it has gotten easier and the memories of him aren't filled with as much emotion but all of these questions are still unanswered. I feellike I am on a rollercoaster about it. There are some days that I can care less about what happened with him and other days I yearn for him and an answer to why he could just do that. I strongly feel that if I was able to talk to him one last time to find out the answers to the questions I have that I could have closure, but who knows if that will ever happen. I would probably just start to think of more questions from his answers and the cycle would go on and on.

A friend of mine always says that I just need to let it go and accept that I may never know but right now it is something that I just can not do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:21am
In case you were wondering, even if he doesn't deny his feelings things can still go badly and you can still end up in NC. MM and I have been "discovered" by his W several times now. MM shocked me by not denying his feelings for me - in fact he discussed them pretty openly with their counselor in front of his W. I haven't completely denied my feelings to my H, but I haven't been completely honest about the depth of them either (had to tell him something since the W insisted on talking to him). Because we do care for each other so much MM and I have tried staying in touch. But MM isn't good at hiding things and the W found out we were still talking. She has been calling, emailing and generally harassing me. It is to the point where I can't stand it any more. I've told MM that we cannot be in contact as long as he is still M. It is KILLING ME. And I know it is KILLING him. But we just can't go on as we have been.

Anyway, the title of this thread - Lost and Sad - caught my eye because that is how I feel. So I understand your pain. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

GB2