Lost in space....
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Lost in space....
| Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:25am |
For a couple of days last week I found such strength. I thought to myself "thats it, I have done it, recovered from any emotional distress regarding this A". On the road to recovery. I came here to read the posts but starting getting frustrated. Frustrated at my new obsession to come here. Then I would get sad at some of the things I would read and then I would sometimes find myself angry. I was thinking what the hell is wrong w/ all of us. Why cant we just move on. I figured I could do this on my own. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldnt stop crying. Felt so emotional. So what did I do????
You got it! I emailed him! He is trying to be strong and I am now the weak one! I swear I hate myself right now. Hate what I have become. Hate my vulnerability. Hate that I feel so weak. So angry. Angry for being one of you. I am now one of those stupid women who got caught up in the BS of it all. Angry for screwing my emotional state even further. Angry for having to start thinking deep down and figuring out why I have acted this way. Who the hell wants to deal w/ that?? I have nobody to talk to about this cuz' who the hell would be proud to talk about any of this to anyone.
All I want to do is scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I am in a place of NC now for 8 days. I've gone as much as 3 weeks. I do feel stronger with each day and pray each morning for no disappointments when i don't hear from him; for strength to get thru the day and for knowing that i am exactly in the place that God wants me to be in right now.
Don't beat yourself up. This takes time--look at me. My A ended last July--started to refuel in the fall--and now i am still here waiting and working to get over it.
Start again today as Day 1. The days build up sooner and quicker than you think. I hate that we are all here too--but we are, and in time, we won't be. This is just a temporary place; not a permanent one.
Clarice
(Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm in a huge hurry, but wanted to respond to you!)
What this has to do with these As and not being able to let go of them is this: when we all chose to entertain and engage in these As, we all were walking over a deep chasm on a shaky bridge. All of what we had to lose was great: our families, our spouses, our ways of life--but we continued on that bridge, thrilled and fearful of it at the same time. These walks made the feelings for our MM stronger; the feelings were fueld by fear and risk. That is why i believe they are so hard to leave: the feelings and emotions of walking thru these As are intensified by the risk that was involved.
Not ordinary emotions. But instead emotions that are seeded deep within us all that are hard to forget. The thrill, the risk amplifed our feelings. That's why it is so hard.
I hope this makes sense.
Clarice
Trust me, it isn't easy to move on. My A ended last August, we had NC until February and the contact was a simple "hi, how are you" discussion in a local pub - I had to start on day 1 again. We had NC again until this last weekend, when we were both involved in volunteering for a major community event - starting at day 1 again. It takes a lot of strength for me not to pick up the phone and say "hi" because we had a great friendship before the A, but I can do it and so can you.
We ended the 6 month A mutually but the feelings are still there for both of us. I almost wish it hadn't been a mutual ending - it would probably be easier.
Have strength, move on with your life - you are more than worth it. You deserve to be happy all the time!
Sherri
So I am curious? Have any of you ever met in person for support therapy? (obviously have no ideas where anyone lives). Do you think it would be wise to get into a group like that? Or are we all scared of the thought of perhaps knowing one another. ;)
Strange thought I know.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I do like this board but I feel like its not going to be enough to get me through this. I just dont know anymore.
But seriously, do you have the option of seeing a counselor ever? If you can find a good one, that might be helpful. I don't think I know anyone who couldn't use a little bit of therapy sometimes! Not an option for me, though, it would raise too many questions.
Talking to people who have gone through the same thing has helped me SO much more than I dared to hope, but you're right, this board alone is not enough to get you through. You have to really decide that you WANT to end the affair, and the strength to follow through has to come from within.
I know I need major therapy. Started it twice then I couldnt deal w/ the "stuff" that was being uncovered and stopped going. Now I just feel guilty for spending the money. Feel like its not a good time w/ our new home and my son.
I want it to end and then in the same breath I dont. Weird right?
He must have given you something that your craved emotionally. You are emotionally dependent on him and it hurts like h*ll to break away. It is like being in a vice, it holds you in it's grip.
Being in an affair, has it's pitfalls. One has guilt feelings and all sorts of problems. That is why you want to get away from it. It's almost like being addicted. The addiction feels very good at first, but after awhile messes you up. Now you want to get away from the messes of an affair, yet you still want to feel the wonderful feeling of the affair. It is only natural that you feel like you do.
You have more courage and fortitude than you think. I would start to get interested in things that you enjoy and like to do. Be steadfast, and you will eventually break the spell he has cast on you. In time, you will wonder why you allowed yourself to be sucked into the affair.
I feel for you and wish you well.
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