Lost in space....
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Lost in space....
| Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:25am |
For a couple of days last week I found such strength. I thought to myself "thats it, I have done it, recovered from any emotional distress regarding this A". On the road to recovery. I came here to read the posts but starting getting frustrated. Frustrated at my new obsession to come here. Then I would get sad at some of the things I would read and then I would sometimes find myself angry. I was thinking what the hell is wrong w/ all of us. Why cant we just move on. I figured I could do this on my own. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldnt stop crying. Felt so emotional. So what did I do????
You got it! I emailed him! He is trying to be strong and I am now the weak one! I swear I hate myself right now. Hate what I have become. Hate my vulnerability. Hate that I feel so weak. So angry. Angry for being one of you. I am now one of those stupid women who got caught up in the BS of it all. Angry for screwing my emotional state even further. Angry for having to start thinking deep down and figuring out why I have acted this way. Who the hell wants to deal w/ that?? I have nobody to talk to about this cuz' who the hell would be proud to talk about any of this to anyone.
All I want to do is scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The thing is...I WAS totally happy with my life and honestly didn't feel like I even wanted a relationship. My xMM asked me to go skiing and I honestly thought he was a safe, nice guy to go do something with. I work in an industry where the men far outnumber the women and it felt like I was going skiing with any one of my friends, male or female. I was not even interested in him and didn't think he was all that attractive so it honestly never occurred to me that I was doing something dangerous. I am being totally sincere about this. To this day, I still don't want a "relationship" but I do want to be with him...do you see what I'm saying. Since I can't be with him right now, I'm really working on getting back to the way I was before. My life was full and busy and happy. Then I started waiting around for him because I was never sure when he'd be able to sneak away and spend time with me.
The funny thing is this guy is not even my type, appearance wise! I never would have looked twice at him. I actually thought he was gay when I first met him (how crazy is that!). I have no idea when it all really changed. We used to talk alot and kid around. One day at lunch he said to me "I swear we must have been married in a past life" and in an instant I felt this crazy attraction towards him. Could such a silly comment cause me to feel an instant attraction.
Then on 9-11 I was with him at his office in the city. We went for lunch and were together for most of the day. We both were in a daze. I couldnt fathom the severity and the reality of the situation. I mean we went for lunch!! What were we thinking??! I actually left my apartment to go to this meeting. It just didnt make sense to me at the time. Could you imagine leaving your home to go out when all this craziness was going on cuz' you had a client appoitment??
The A didnt happen until Summer 2003. But the feelings had been there for a while. I guess we both were just fighting them and then gave in.
One night we were alone completely innocently for just a minute and in that minute he kissed me (and I back). I just about fainted - it was amazing (I simply cannot describe out excited I felt at that moment). I spent the entire night confused as hell trying to figure out how I could have let it happen.
The next day, he called me at work to apologize for kissing me. I don't know what made me say it but my question to him was "are you apologizing because you think I want you to apologize or because you think you did something wrong?" (I will never forget this conversation). His response, "It didn't feel wrong - it felt very right, but I don't want you to be angry with me." We talked on the phone a few more times before we made plans to meet while my H was out of town one night. IT WAS LIKE NOTHING I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED!!!! I suppose the danger of it all heightened by senses somewhat, but it was incredible. And that's how it all started. We talked on the phone 4 or 5 times a week, met 1-3 times per month (enough not to cause too much suspicion or so we thought) for 6 months. My H and I were not doing well (totally my fault) and one day I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't believe that I could do something so hurtful to someone who loves me so much. He definitely has his suspicions about the whole A (but he has other insecurity issues as well - another long story). He doesn't know the truth and I will never tell him.
An A is not reality, it is an escape - I know that in my heart we would never have a normal relationship if we were both single. Am I over my A? - definitely not. It will always be a very special time for me. Do I regret my A? - no. It was a time of realization and learning for me. Would I do it again? Well, that's what I work on day to day.
Good Luck
Sherri
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