love and marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
love and marriage
14
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:10pm
A friend of mine told me the other day that statistics show that only 6% of married people say they are happy. And he said that the top three reasons for people who are unhappy staying married those are:(in this order)

1. the kids

2. financial reasons

3. afraid to admit failure to themselves, friends, and family

I don't know where he got those from, and I'm not even sure if I really believe "statistics", but my question is...what ever happened to love??? Doesn't being married for love exist anymore? Or is that just a fantasy?


Edited 3/2/2004 6:12:00 PM ET by plainsong9

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Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:56pm
good question. I think we get married for love but somewhere down the road things dissolve. I do know of happy couples that are in love or atleast claim to be. All marriages have their ups and downs but lately I see alot more downs then ups. People just sound so miserable. I wonder if I were to get divorced if I would bother getting married again. Everyone stays for whatever reason, but if we all got divorced because we weren't in love anymore would anyone actually stay married?

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 7:08pm
HI Song

The fact that someone is unhappy does not mean there not in love it just means something is makeing them unhappy, sometimes it is unreasonable expectations of there spouse and marriage sometimes it has nothing to do with the marriage at all.

Way did this friend tell you this what were his motives.

F

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 7:36pm
I agree Mefree...a person can still love their spouse but not want to be married for whatever reason. Love means different things to different people. The oogey gooey love you feel on your honeymoon is not the same kind of love you feel after 15-20 years. It changes. A good book to read on the subject is "surrendering to marriage". Oprah recommended it. It really said what everyone is too afraid to admit. That the grass is greener on the other side...that leaving for an A usually ends in disaster....that the fairy tale live happily ever after is a lie that we all buy into but it doesn't mean we should leave our husbands either.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:08pm
O.K., but what if you just have a friendship kind of love? No passion, not even interested in sex. Is that enough to keep a marriage going? Is that where all relationships end up after 10 years?

That's where mine is now. We have a very good friendship, and never fight, but I have no romantic feelings for him. I'm only 33 years old. Isn't that too young to settle for that type of relationship? My friends all tell me that even when the fire burns out, there should still at least be a flicker. I don't even have a match.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:51pm
HI 123

What makes you think the same thing will not happen in your next long term relationship.

Unless you address the reasons behind the problem there is ever reason to think that it will keep rearing its ugly head in your future.

A affair my put a band-aid on a problem but does not fix it, the reason most affair based relationships fail is because the people in them never deal with the real reason the affair happened, you know the old saying " IF YOU KEEP DOING THINGS THE SAME OLD WAY YOUR GOING TO GET THE SAME OLD RESULTS" IT IS TRUE.

F

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:32pm
ist:

settling for that kind of marriage is a personal choice. It sounds alot like my marriage, and I am hanging in there for now. Do u have children? how old are they? is that why you are staying? How long have u been married?

some people may say that I am settling....maybe i am...but what is the alternative ist? It wasn't worth it for me. would i be that much happier seeing my children when a court document tells me that I can? Giving up my financial security? for what? for a man that has his own baggage? To me that is just going from the frying pan to the fire.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:02am
>>>O.K., but what if you just have a friendship kind of love? No passion, not even interested in sex. Is that enough to keep a marriage going? Is that where all relationships end up after 10 years? <<<

This is exactly how I felt before I had my A. Just about everything my H did was annoying to me and I often wondered how I could continue in our marriage. Sex was pretty much non-existent. Having an A made me realize what a wonderful man my H is and that I had totally lost sight of that. We have never been happier. We are doing tons of things together and our relationship has improved so much. My A made me have a deeper appreciation for my H. I found that the grass was definitely not greener on the other side.

I didn't think that there was any flicker left in my marriage and now there is a HUGE flame. Look for it, if it was there once, it's still there.


Edited 3/3/2004 12:07:45 AM ET by alifechoice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:28am
It seems to me that when I was first in love with my husband, it wasn't much different from being in love with XMM. In its way, it was also a fanasy, an escape from reality and loneliness. Believing that that one perfect person exsists. But when reality sets in, and there is no way out because of the kids, I guess that is when you have the opportunity learn to accept and appreciate your husband for what he is.... seek out the positive. And allow that to warm your heart and spark a new deeper love. Love is an act. Loving behaviour is the way. Friendship is a precious gift, to be cherished and nurtured.

My H is a much better man than XMM, despite his flaws, which are considerable. But one thing he's not, is a manipulative, narcissitic liar. If he makes me feel sad, or lonely, it isn't his intention. He knows not what or why he does it. By loving him, I teach him how to love me. And our kids will learn how to love themselves and their futures spouses.

I'm three weeks NC today... had a melt down yesterday, nightmares of seeing him with his family "pretending" to be happy while I was all alone. But the sun is shining again today.

Hugs to you all.

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:56am
Plain song....

Those statistics hit home for me. They are the 3 major reasons I have stayed in my marriage. I also feel a friendship type of love with my H and I know that I would miss him if he were not around. That may not be enough to keep my marriage together ecspecially with the lack of intimacy and trust we have going against us. But for now I am staying and working on sorting things out. My goal is to not hurt anyone more than I already have and it's tough when you through a child into the mix.

just my situation!! Good post!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:36am
shescomeundone-

Yes, we have one child who is three. If we didn't, I think I'd be gone by now. We've been together 14 years, married for 9.

The problem is, we are not trying to get back the passion, we never had it. We married young, and I don't think I had any idea what that was at that point. Although I've loved him very much, I've never really been sexually attracted to my H. Now, we just feel like very good friends.

I guess leaving could be jumping from the frying pan to the fire. Or, it could be setting myself free to find someone I could truly be happy and feel fulfilled with. Life's a gamble I guess. For now, I'm trying to make it work.

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