Love him so I have to let him go

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Love him so I have to let him go
1
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 7:59am
I guess I knew that one day I would be in the spot I am now but now that its here I'm not ready!
I am divorced and have been with my MM for 1 year. Just like so many others, started out as friends a few years back and came to depend on our friendship more and more. Over the last year it has grown and we fell in love. We were always very careful and only saw each other for lunch once a week but talked on the phone 5 or 6 times a day (weekdays). The last few months have kind of gotten out of control. We couldn't stand being apart and started taking too many risks. Calls over the weekend, quick meetings after hours. This A started taking on a life of it's own until it consumed us. We couldn't concentrate on work, home, anything but each other. He has always told me that there is no future and I never expected there to be one. I knew going into this but neither one of us expected to fall so deeply in love either. It was never about the sex, even though it's like lightening bolts when we are together. We never found a way to get time together to have IC. We were recently trying to plan a day alone but it didn't happen. After talking about it we decided that if we did, it would just make things harder. We would only want to be together more.
I think we both realized for different reasons that we had to pull back and cool things off. Even though I keep busy and spend times with friends and have even gone on a date or two, I know that my life is in a kind of holding pattern. Knowing he will never be all mine but waiting for those stolen moments. Each time it didn't happen, the disappointment was getting harder and harder to deal with. We would tell each other of the things we did over the weekends and how all we could think is that we should be doing these things together. We were focusing more and more on 'if we were together'. I think it really hit him over the holidays. All he thought of was me and i know that had to be very hard to deal with the guilt of thinking only of me and not the family. So, we have decided to take a step back and cool things off.
I know in my heart that it is the right thing to do. I don't want this to destroy him, his family and his life. I want him to be happy in his life and never wanted to complicate his life, only to make him as happy as he made me. I know if we don't do this, we would take one too many risks and end up being caught. The decision would be out of our hands and we would lose each other forever. We are hoping we can be strong enough to continue to be a part of each others lives and to keep the physical part out of it.
I have been truly blessed to have had him in my life. I ended my M of 20 yrs (not for him) and learned what love is really suppose to feel like. He treated me like the most precious person on earth, valued and respected me. I will treasure the things he has said to me.... things that you never knew existed except in fairy tales. I am trying so hard to be strong but inside my heart is breaking. I think the thing that keeps me going is knowing how deeply he loves me and because I love him that much and more, I have to let this go so he can go back to his life and be happy even if it is without me.
If anyone has been in a similar situation or has some advice on how to cope with this please let me know. NC is out of the question since one of the main reasons for doing this is so that we can continue to be in each others lives.
Thanks for listening....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 10:20am

Hi juliette,

I am so sorry for your pain. I know the agony you are feeling. I may not be the best person to reply because I have only been in NC for a week! But I had tried to end my A many times and always failed. This time is different. If you are only ready to end yours because of your love for him, I don't know if it will work. I tried that. I love my MM so much and I have destroyed his family. Now that it is over, I feel like such a selfish jerk. His career could have been ruined also, if anyone else had found out besides our spouses. I will have to live with that forever. I pray many times a day that his marriage survives what I did to it. But after the holidays I took a real look at myself and saw that I hated who I had become. I decided I had to end things and stick with it because of ME, not him. I was tired of feeling guilty, stressed, devastated, worried, paranoid and utter despair. I knew that it had to get better if I started doing the "right thing." I owe that to myself, my family and, yes, to him. I keep telling myself anytime I feel like calling/e-mailing him that it would only be a step backward, back to the "old me." I don't want to go there. If you really love him, then yes you would let him go. But you have to love yourself enough to realize you are hurting yourself and your happiness.
DM