For the love of Pete!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
For the love of Pete!!!
10
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 9:59am

EmbarassedCry That's me...embarrassed and an emotional wreck!  Need some tough love.  I posted a mere few days ago that I was finally waking up not thinking about xAP.  I was in a good spot...devoting time to DH and loving life.  I felt good.  Was back on track.  Was LC with xAP and the only C was at work and it remained professional on both of our parts.  Fast foward to Friday 10/12. Receive a text from xAP that he wants to chat.  Relayed that it's not possible that i'm heading out of town.  His reply "ok".  I go away for weekend with no further contact.  I'm curious but don't "bite".  It's now Monday 10/15 around 5pm.  Another text, very generic..."you will be receiving a call from a recruiter, please answer and respond prompty". WTH? I don't respond.  Now here's a side bar story that plays into this.  Back in the summer when we were still full force with the A, his beloved older dog was failing.  I go with him to the vet, sit on the floor and cry as it's time to put the ole boy down.  However vet has reservations, feels dog will respond to meds and off we go home with the doggie.  Remember, three years of full force A...I know the dog well and am very attached to him.  Another fast forward to about 3 weeks ago.  A coworker tells me xAP finally had to put dog down.  I have no emotional response, actually  hardly a repsonse at all.  Glad dog is not suffering.  I do not contact xAP with what I've learned to relay sympathy.  Remember I'm in a good spot, why go back. 

Back to the present...Tuesday 10/16.  Receive IM from xAP that he wants to chat over lunch.  I give in...yep you can see where this is heading.  Basically he wanted to tell me in person that he is leaving to go back "home".  Home is about 1000 miles away.  He has a pending job offer, hence his text to me, and is just waiting for it to be formalized.  Now I become angry.  He needs me for the reference.  He can't tell me about the dog (granted this is NOT truly about the dog) but he can tell me about moving?  I'm so emotionally confused at this point at lunch.  Said he struggled with not telling me about the dog that it was emotional and would put us both in a place we didn't want to go back to.  OK on that point he was right.  But now this?  Moving, reference?  Would he have told me about moving if he didn't need me?  Oh good Lord...the emotional flood gates are open.  There are tears shed, he is broken, I am broken.  All he wants is me, tells me he is far from over me but since I won't leave DH for him it's more of a reason for him to relocate.  OK good point for him too.  He really is a big boy at times. Lunch ends...he shows up in my office 2 more times on this day.  casual converation.  But in the back of my mind knowing he still needs my reference.  Sigh.  No contact 10/17.  Thursday 10/18 he asked me to come over to his house.  He has done a lot of work in it, wants me to see it, give comment.  After all "you are still my best friend".  Once again I succomb. House looks great, less one dog.  It's fairly benign at first.  Two friends, having a beer, listening to music and then it hits me...WTF am I doing?  It had been 12 weeks to the day since the last time I set foot in that house and that was the day it was done.  I can't play this role...we can't be friends and who opened those gates again.  Tears are flowing as I realize he's treating me the same as he would treat the mailman.  His emotions are in check, he has turned them off.  He has to, he's in protective mode.  Me, not so much.  I realized I needed the emotions and expected them from him.  Out the door I went! At least I dodged a physical bullet but the emotional one shot right thru my heart.

OK, it's 10/18.  He shows up in my office like the previous night never happened. I'm cold but cordial.  Chat about his pending job offer.  He still wants my advice, counsel, whatever.  But then what do I do...offer to take him to get his car in the city from the shop.  Ugh.  In car he tells me he can't give me any emotion.  It's gone (can that really happen?).  I made that choice (not to leave DH which is true) and if I want the emotion that I so desire I need to leave DH.  Point, Set, Match.

Sorry, long winded and all over the place.  Clarity, shine up you toughest shoe and kick me square in the A$$.

Oh why do we do such self destructive things to ourselves.  This was all self inflicted.  What did I expect to happen?  Why did I even go?  Sigh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 11:17am

*buff buff buff...spittooey...buff...buff...buff*...

Now, bendover.  Nahhhh.  I don't have to give you a swift kick...you already know...well...partially know.  You already know what you did was harmful unto yourself.  What you HAVE to figure out/to know is 'why'.

#1 WHY.  Why was he able to even get through?  

#2 Why did he even try?  Didn't you officially end it?

#3 WHY.  Why did you even respond?  What was in it for you?

Some why's to contemplate while I run off to the post office.  

brb


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 1:36pm

I'm back...shoes still shiny :)  I'm wondering.  Was part of your willingness to be their for him part of some need to look like the good guy?  I know many of us have that got-always-look-the-good-guy syndrome.  And the more they crap on us, the harder we work at trying to make them see/realize we are a good guy...kwim?  And it doesn't even make sense...why we need THEIR validation.  I just read about this in one of the baggage reclaim articles.  Let me try to find it.  Check this out and see what you think.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/quit-seeking-a-rejection-retraction/

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 3:21pm

Love930,

I just have to respond.  I see much of my XAP in yours.  I was in A for five years, tried for two years to end it.  Feel like I finally closed the door almost three weeks ago with a “do not contact me anymore” email.  So far, so good.

Here’s what I see/experienced.  Manipulation, manipulation, manipulation. 

Why didn’t he just tell you in the first text what was going on, i.e. “I’m relocating and a recruiter will be calling you for a reference.”?  Instead, it left you wondering WTH?  That was his first hook…and you bit.  You spent time wondering and pondering.  My XAP constantly did this.  When he left our company (we used to be co-workers until he found another job after I first tried to break it off), he sent me an IM one day “got an interview today.  Some guy from (wherever) is coming to meet me.”  I struggled with that for days!!  Fast forward, I later find out that he had been interviewing frequently and this “guy from wherever” was the final interview and the deal was pretty much wrapped up by the time XAP sent me this IM.

All he wants is me, tells me he is far from over me but since I won't leave DH for him it's more of a reason for him to relocate. 

Yep, I got the same BS.  XAP told me how much he loved me, wanted me, didn’t want the door to close on us.  He told me this as he told me that he “was thinking about moving”, which, I later learned translated into “we have sold our house and have bought a big, new house in swanky neighborhood and are moving in three weeks.”  He also said in this same conversation:  since I wasn’t going to leave my H, why should he leave his W? 

So, back to you.  Let me share what I see in your story:

--- Monday, he throws you a line (text)

    ---Tuesday, lunch and professions of “love” while at the same time telling you of his plans (to do whatever he wants with his life)

 ---- Thursday, he throws you another line – come to my house – “you’re my best friend”.  In other words, “I’m going to do what I want, but I want you on the side and I want you to think I’m a great guy”.

 ----Next day – acts like nothing happened (i.e. had no regard for how his behavior is affecting you) and again throws you a line – “help me get my car” and tells you that he has no emotion left.  WTH?  Wasn’t it just three days ago, i.e Tuesday (see above) that he was “professing his love”????

Here’s what I believe was going on.  This was my experience.  There a few other stories where my XAP lied as in LIES OF OMISSION and I reacted exactly like you are doing.  (Such as the time he casually threw out there:  “hey, did I tell you I got another dog?”   after telling me that he didn’t want to get another dog with his W)  I was an emotional heap, confused, trying to figure it out, what did it all mean.  I went from being angry (for him not telling me the whole truth about things) to being sad, scared and feeling rejected.  Blah, blah, blah.  All those negative emotions.  And, I believe that my XAP didn’t give a hoot about what I was feeling.  It was about him.

XAP didn’t get what he wanted from me, basically said “screw it, I’m going to do what I want with my life.  BUT, I want this on the side and besides, I need to be nice so she’ll think I’m a great guy.  But, I really only care about MYSELF first.  And I won’t tell her the WHOLE story because I don’t want her to close the door completely shut on me.  I’ll lie where I have to to keep her as my cake on the side.  And, as long as she’ll respond to my fishing attempts, I’ll keep coming back for my ego strokes and possibly get a little more on the side.”

Love, what I finally came to was this:  why the h$ll am I playing this role?  I am better than this and I’m not stupid and I am smart and can see right through this guy.   Time for him to go.  Adios.

Yes, there were ups and downs, ins and outs, lots of extreme swings of mood,  etc.  But, I’m feeling better about myself and my life and my M for having been the one to take a stand and call him on his crap.

And, remember.  You were in a good spot……with him gone!!

Your questions as to ‘why?’ is a good place to start with YOU and getting yourself better!  And, what a blessing.  He’ll move and you can go NC!!! Hoo hoo!!!

PM me any time; our stories seem somewhat similar.

~Sunrise

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 9:31pm

I too feel the need to chime in here, I am going through the exact same thing, the A has "officially" been over since Sep 8th, but we have cuddled, held hands, chatted and been for a long walk.  I have chatted with my xAP after listening to the feedback from here and how I must handle this, my xAP was blown away! he said I have no idea how he is feeling, what his thoughts are and why he does what he does, he said he is doing it as tough as i am, he cries most days, some days he says he cant look at me because it hurts too much, it kills him when he sees me even talking to another man.  I think we underestimate the pain that men feel, just because they dont always show it like we do or they never reach out for help, they suffer in silence. He too is trying his hardest to keep our relationship platonic, but as he says what he should do and what his actions are dont always correspond. Therefore don't try and "guess" what the xAP is feeling or why they are doing what they are doing, they are hurting too. 

Yes i am still an emotional mess, but at least I know my xAP is feeling the same and that somehow gives me comfort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 9:31pm

I too feel the need to chime in here, I am going through the exact same thing, the A has "officially" been over since Sep 8th, but we have cuddled, held hands, chatted and been for a long walk.  I have chatted with my xAP after listening to the feedback from here and how I must handle this, my xAP was blown away! he said I have no idea how he is feeling, what his thoughts are and why he does what he does, he said he is doing it as tough as i am, he cries most days, some days he says he cant look at me because it hurts too much, it kills him when he sees me even talking to another man.  I think we underestimate the pain that men feel, just because they dont always show it like we do or they never reach out for help, they suffer in silence. He too is trying his hardest to keep our relationship platonic, but as he says what he should do and what his actions are dont always correspond. Therefore don't try and "guess" what the xAP is feeling or why they are doing what they are doing, they are hurting too. 

Yes i am still an emotional mess, but at least I know my xAP is feeling the same and that somehow gives me comfort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 9:50am

Hi Tily6

What part of your affair is over?  It seems you are still very much embroiled in your affair...just on a different level...an emotional level if sex has been taken out of the equation.

And if you are still an emotional mess, could it be due to the fact that neither of you are willing to let go...and still hanging out...simply pretending that you can preserve some kind of...what?  Friendship doesn't seem a good word here.  In general, most of us do not cuddle and hold hands with friends.  Take long walks and chat, sure.

What would your spouses say to all of this?

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 10:45pm
I know and that is exactly why I am here... I need help :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 10-25-2012 - 12:40am

It's good you are here then, Tily...asking for help.  

Have you decided to end your affair?  You have to begin somewhere, and going NC is the starting point.  You, and only you, can start this ball rolling...so we can start supporting you in your ending.  If I remember correctly from your past post, you weren't sure you even wanted to end the affair...and you were under the misguided notion that your affair was somehow different.  Has something changed?  You received some excellent responses in that thread...maybe read through it again when you have a moment.

You can do this, but you really have to want to. Half-hearted attempts yield half-hearted results...so you really have to want it.  Are you committed to ending your affair?  

Have you read through the Healing Library?  People really gain a lot of strength and resolve that is necessary to commit to their ending by doing so.

Maybe you can start a new thread with your thoughts...so we don't hijack this one.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 11:30am

Hello everyone and THANK YOU!  I haven't been around since my last post.  Frankly still not being able to access the board from my iPad is so frustrating.  It is my lifeline to you.

Well...today is the day.  His last day at work.  And today is my first day back to work after a week in Miami with my DH.  Very Very emotional day.  DH is down there (1,200 miles from home) for the next 4 mos and xAP is moving 1,000 miles away in the opposite direction.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm glad xAP is moving.  It's good for him...it's good for me and  I wish him well. I keep telling myself today is like a funeral.  You say your final goodbyes but after that you can't talk to the dead (it's kind of morbid but it's working for me).

I think it's just so much at once emotionally. I'm struggling.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 1:09pm

Whatever works, Love

If you have to make him dead to you, than so be it.  Now, you'll grieve the loss...just go with it...that's all you can do.  Here's a ((hug)) to help you through.

His leaving is going to help you move onward and forward.  

It's good that wishing him well comes from your heart...you're a good person, Love.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

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