For the love of Pete!!!
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|Mon, 10-22-2012 - 9:59am|
That's me...embarrassed and an emotional wreck! Need some tough love. I posted a mere few days ago that I was finally waking up not thinking about xAP. I was in a good spot...devoting time to DH and loving life. I felt good. Was back on track. Was LC with xAP and the only C was at work and it remained professional on both of our parts. Fast foward to Friday 10/12. Receive a text from xAP that he wants to chat. Relayed that it's not possible that i'm heading out of town. His reply "ok". I go away for weekend with no further contact. I'm curious but don't "bite". It's now Monday 10/15 around 5pm. Another text, very generic..."you will be receiving a call from a recruiter, please answer and respond prompty". WTH? I don't respond. Now here's a side bar story that plays into this. Back in the summer when we were still full force with the A, his beloved older dog was failing. I go with him to the vet, sit on the floor and cry as it's time to put the ole boy down. However vet has reservations, feels dog will respond to meds and off we go home with the doggie. Remember, three years of full force A...I know the dog well and am very attached to him. Another fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. A coworker tells me xAP finally had to put dog down. I have no emotional response, actually hardly a repsonse at all. Glad dog is not suffering. I do not contact xAP with what I've learned to relay sympathy. Remember I'm in a good spot, why go back.
Back to the present...Tuesday 10/16. Receive IM from xAP that he wants to chat over lunch. I give in...yep you can see where this is heading. Basically he wanted to tell me in person that he is leaving to go back "home". Home is about 1000 miles away. He has a pending job offer, hence his text to me, and is just waiting for it to be formalized. Now I become angry. He needs me for the reference. He can't tell me about the dog (granted this is NOT truly about the dog) but he can tell me about moving? I'm so emotionally confused at this point at lunch. Said he struggled with not telling me about the dog that it was emotional and would put us both in a place we didn't want to go back to. OK on that point he was right. But now this? Moving, reference? Would he have told me about moving if he didn't need me? Oh good Lord...the emotional flood gates are open. There are tears shed, he is broken, I am broken. All he wants is me, tells me he is far from over me but since I won't leave DH for him it's more of a reason for him to relocate. OK good point for him too. He really is a big boy at times. Lunch ends...he shows up in my office 2 more times on this day. casual converation. But in the back of my mind knowing he still needs my reference. Sigh. No contact 10/17. Thursday 10/18 he asked me to come over to his house. He has done a lot of work in it, wants me to see it, give comment. After all "you are still my best friend". Once again I succomb. House looks great, less one dog. It's fairly benign at first. Two friends, having a beer, listening to music and then it hits me...WTF am I doing? It had been 12 weeks to the day since the last time I set foot in that house and that was the day it was done. I can't play this role...we can't be friends and who opened those gates again. Tears are flowing as I realize he's treating me the same as he would treat the mailman. His emotions are in check, he has turned them off. He has to, he's in protective mode. Me, not so much. I realized I needed the emotions and expected them from him. Out the door I went! At least I dodged a physical bullet but the emotional one shot right thru my heart.
OK, it's 10/18. He shows up in my office like the previous night never happened. I'm cold but cordial. Chat about his pending job offer. He still wants my advice, counsel, whatever. But then what do I do...offer to take him to get his car in the city from the shop. Ugh. In car he tells me he can't give me any emotion. It's gone (can that really happen?). I made that choice (not to leave DH which is true) and if I want the emotion that I so desire I need to leave DH. Point, Set, Match.
Sorry, long winded and all over the place. Clarity, shine up you toughest shoe and kick me square in the A$$.
Oh why do we do such self destructive things to ourselves. This was all self inflicted. What did I expect to happen? Why did I even go? Sigh.