at a low point in my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
at a low point in my life
5
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:17am

well my xom returned from his honeymoon yesterday. i checked he was on line this morning. i know he wont check for me. the hardest thing is to realize and accept is that your a part of his past now and that is it.

my life has been torn apart. i am no longer that happy person i once was.

i dont know what to do. each day passes by with no new hope or solution.

deep inside i want to seperate from dh. but i dont know if that is the solution. i have kids and i feel bad from them. i feel i failed them if i go.

i realize that i wanted the attention the A gave me. i enjoyed the high. but i dont feel i can find that in my marriage with dh.

im confussed sad and depressed. counseler said i should stay with dh and find happiness in other things. does that work?

has anyone been in my place? has anyone felt what i feel? what do you do? how do you move on?

thanks for listening

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:37am

UPSD

To anwser your question YES you can find happiness in other things I know this because I did, there are many organizations that can use the help of a smart industious woman were you will help other people and great joy can be got that way.

Have you ever just sat your husband down and told him flat out what is missing from your marriage meaning his time and attention and anything else thats missing and told him in CLEAR HONEST TERMS that he needs to step up to the plate every day for the rest of his life or his marriage is OVER, have you done this ???

IF not try it what do you have to loose right !

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:03am

free,

dh and i have talked. the only reason we are together is because dh is still in love with me. but i dont feel love for him. i see him only as a friend.

i dont know if i feel this way b/c of my feelings for xom. i dont know if i just want to be alone and maybe find someone else who will give me the happiness xom did.

couselor said that if dh was a good husband then i should saty. but how do you to pretend to feel something you dont? do you just stay and find happiness in other things? for the sake of the kids?

thanks for listening and for your reply

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:45am

I have been dealing with similar issues...not feeling "in love" with my husband as I did with xOM (was xMM till he recently divorced). But I have found that as I tell my husband more of what I want and need from him, and I see how hard he is trying, I am warming up to him again. I basically have had to go through the motions, and the feelings are starting to follow. I knew when we were dating that he didn't look deeply in my eyes, that we didn't have this unspoken connection. What we had was mutual respect and affection. I guess it's why I was blind-sided by the strength of the emotion and passion I felt with xOM. But my husband loves me, and adores our daughter, and despite our issues, I think we have a chance. I'm trying to get him to go to counseling with me. Today, I actually missed his phone call for the first time. (In the past, I didn't care if he called me during the day or not.) So I called him, and he was surprised and happy.

If you haven't already, look up True's post on toxic love. I have realized that much of what I felt with xOM and with past relationships was in the toxic category. Maybe that's why I got such a high from it and why it consumed me. The scary thing was that my husband's behavior toward me could also often be described as toxic. He wanted me to conform to his needs and wants without considering mine. I have learned to speak up, to say what I want, and to say "No!" At first, he called it "bad attitude," etc. Now he is starting to show more respect.

Hang in there. I am not well yet, and I'm about to post something that shows it, but there is hope. You know that cheesy Whitney Houston song, "The Greatest Love of All?" from the 80's? Sounds corny, but that line is true: "learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all."

Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:06am

USD

Newsgals post is full of truth you should consider it carefully.

Loveing feelings flow and eb inside marriages this is normal it happens to every marriage, if you completely remove XMM from your life focus on your husband and face upto and deal with hte issues you may be surprised at the results, BUT IT TAKES TIME it does not happen over night and like Gal said you need to assert yourself and your needs and get them met by your husband.

This takes time and a lot of heart to heart conversations, take time to talk about the things that mater to you with your husband daily.

Last but not least your husband has to be made to understand how important this really is and that his life is hanging by a thread.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:43pm

I feel exactly the same way. Only I recognize that the intense emotions I felt for XOM was a high that does NOT last forever, irregardless of how much in-love you are/were. I know, and have known for a very long time, that I do not have a passionate type of love for my H, and I can admit here (but never to him) that although I do love him, I was never really IN-love with him. BUT, what I do have, is a wonderful man, he's responsible and reliable, he's a good friend and we get along well together.

Is that enough? There were times while in the midst of my A, that I finally realized what it was that I DIDN'T have with my H. Romance and passion was never a quality I felt I needed years ago..I wanted exactly what I got...a husband that I can count on and one I fully trust. But I was high on the excitement and passion this A brought to me. Incidently, it wasn't my first A. So, I can only think that now, the passion IS important to me. And, I really think I'm in need of a good therapist!

I never was blinded that me and XOM could ever really have a live-in relationship, because I would never be able to trust him. After all, he was cheating on his wife, and me on my husband. Niether one of us is trustworthy in my book. There were also other qualities in him that I don't think I can live with. But bottom line is, I need to be able to trust. And trust is the major reason I had to break if off the A.

So, as my life stands now, the A is over. I still love him and miss him and will always feel that chemistry with him..something I am having withdrawls from right now. I am staying with my H unless things between us get to a point where neither one of us is happy...have been sensing some of that over the past year actually. But I know I would never leave my H for my XOM. If, I find myself single someday for whatever reason, it won't be over another man, it will be because the marriage isn't working.

There's alot of us that are confused over what the right thing is to do. Is staying with a man you really don't love the way you should the right thing..especially when kids are involved? Who knows. But keep in mind, we only have one life to live and we aren't on this earth for that long...it's important to BE HAPPY.