Lucker coming out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Lucker coming out
8
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 6:29pm

This is my first time posting although I have been reading this board for several months. I wanted to be absolutely certain that I was going to end it before I posted. I came here looking for answers and boy did I get them. You ladies are simply amazing and it has given me the courage to finally put this A behind me.

I am on day 3 NC and it has by far been the hardest. He didn't know that I was going NC so the texts and e-mails (I'm sure, but I haven't checked it) are still coming. Oddly enough more so then when I was paying attention to him. But I am proud to report that I have not read a single one. They get instantly deleted. I have also deleted all old texts and his number from my phone. And with that I start my story...

It started 10 months ago with friendly flirting then it progressed very fast from there. Three weeks later we were talking about taking it physical. We both agreed that we were in happy marriages and this was going to be nothing but fun times and we would still be friends long after it ended. Delusional much? He is 12 years older then me and so smart, charming, and handsome. I was hooked. Fast forward 5 months... he is rude, controlling, and down right mean at times. So for the next 5 months I tried to get that nice guy I met back. The harder I tried the more resistant he became. I would try to end it then he would pull me back in with his apologizes. And sure it would be good for a few days until he returned to his old self.

Monday morning we were talking via text, as we always do, when he sent a very simple text that shouldn't have sent me off, but it did. It made me realize that he doesn't, never did, and never will care about me. I started thinking about how it is not fun anymore. It doesn't make me feel good, in fact it makes me miserable. So here I am ending it once and for all.

Of course even though we clearly stated that there would never be any feelings involved I got attached and so did he whether he wants to admit it or not. I'm not saying we were in love with each other because I don't think that was the case. I think it was more infatuation. But regardless I felt something and I felt like I needed him in my life to be happy. Since the day we met there hasn't been one day that we haven't talked in some way, shape, or form. I miss him. I can't seem to go 5 minutes without thinking about him. My cell phone has become my curse. Like many others here I have neglected the things in my life that are most precious to me. Anyone ever find themselves sitting at your kids sporting event and just texting away and not paying attention at all? So sad. I've missed so much and I want to get back to that.

I have a great husband and family, but absolutely no ones knows about this besides myself and xAP. I have no one to talk to and I am hurting so bad right now. We kept it so secret. My husband doesn't have an inkling. My husband is out of town for the week so I have time to myself, but I have to pull myself together soon. I can't imagine ever feeling better. I know this was the right thing to do, but I just wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 6:37pm
Suppose to be Lurker coming out, not lucker. :P
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 6:51pm

Welcome and know you are taking the right step - and you are not alone. We have all been there. I can identify with you - great H and kids; also sat at their sporting events, with cell phone firmly in hand. I was a lurker for yrs though, so you are already a step ahead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 7:13pm

(((completelylostme))), congrats for making this difficult decision to end your A, and welcome (officially) to EAS--even though you've been lurking for a while. I am a newbie myself, but have also found this board extremely helpful...it's the one place where I can talk about my situation openly, and it has been a lifesaver.

I SO related to your story...it was all supposed to be "fun," right? Two consenting adults having naughty fun. And then you realize, hey, this isn't fun at all. I had the exact same realization, which was what led me to end my A. I guess our xAPs' true colors came out, huh? I suppose that kind of ended the fantasy, at least for me...except I was still hanging on to those little shreds of hope that I could recapture what we had in the beginning. But I never will, because it doesn't exist anymore.

As a fellow newbie who is in NC out of work/LC during work hours (ugh), I recommend you come here as often as you can to vent and to empathize with other EASers! During the day, when things get tough for me, I'll steal a few minutes to let it all out at EAS. It's very cathartic.

And while I might not be an expert at this, I can offer you this advice: I think the key to keeping your sanity is to stay as busy as you possibly can. Like you were saying in your post, focus on your wonderful family. Take up a hobby. Get work done around the house. Anything to keep your mind occupied with something other than xAP. Even though you'll still think about him, if you keep busy your brain won't give him as many opportunities to pop up.

I look forward to reading your posts in the future...keep up the good work!

-Silver Doe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 8:22pm

CLM,

Welcome to our community. If you have been a lurker for several months then you are probably quite familiar with the Healing Library. Now you will need it more than ever so be sure to read it every time you are feeling wobbly and out of sorts. Find the thread on affirmations and pick out of few to repeat over and over again until they become part of your daily thoughts. Right now it's all about working your way past the addictive nature of your affair, where you were texting and emailing all the time. When we suddenly stop doing this, the void it creates will feel unsettling. You will have to replace this emptiness by switching your routine by filling up your days with other activities and interests.

I have to commend you on your resolve to end this. Deleting his texts/emails is a huge step. What you don't read can no longer hurt you. There is nothing he could say that would change anything anyway. Affairs always come to an end sooner or later, and by taking control of this situation, you are saving yourself from possible discovery which could destroy your family. We think no one else knows what we've been up to, but your emotional absence has been felt even if no one has yet been able to put a finger on it.

You will feel whole again one day, but first you have to go through the grieving process which is unavoidable. Not only will you miss the attention your XMM provided, but you will experience an over all sadness from losing the fantasy the affair perpetuated. Life will slowly start to return to normal, but with that comes many crazy, unexplained emotions that may be painful. Try to understand that this is your body and mind purging the toxins of the affair drug.

Again, welcome to EAS, and I hope you will share your journey with us as you continue working your way back to living an honorable and fulfilling life.

((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 7:54am

completelylostme,


I can relate so much to you as many ladies here can. I hope and pray you stay strong in your commitment to NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 9:51am

Welcome, CLM


You are in the right place!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 11:18am

Thank you ladies for all of your kind and supportive words. I'm so glad that I finally decided to post after lurking for so long. I know that the advice is usually the same as most A's are the same, but it is nice to have that advice directed straight to you.

I'm having a bad day. Day 4 NC and all of my thoughts are consumed by him. The texts are still coming in, but I haven't read one. Part of me wants to know what he is saying/thinking, but I know if I go down that road then it will get back in my head. I sometimes think that I should have told him that I was letting go so he wouldn't be contacting me, but I know this was the right way for me. If I had told him he would have roped me back in with his sweet and kind words. I know that's weak, but I am weak when it comes to him. I am afraid that if I continue to ignore him that he will just show up at my house. I am trying to work out what I will do when/if that happens. I don't want to have to think about that anymore. I just want it to be done. I want to move on and I want him to move on as well. Should I have told him? Has anyone else just cut off contact without any goodbyes and had concerns about him just showing up? So now not only am I trying to heal myself, I am waiting for him to get the hint and start to move on too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 12:16pm

I stopped contact without telling my XAP.