Lurker, my first discussion post
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| Tue, 10-06-2009 - 2:54pm |
Hi everyone. I have been reading these boards for about 3 months. I want to say thank you for sharing your experiences, because they have helped me not feel alone and to cope with mine.
I will try to make my story brief. I am MW, he is MM. Our families are friends, and we hang out regularly. The MM and I fell into an EA that turned PA, although we never had any kind of sex - just kissing/cuddling etc. Our contact was through texts and phone calls, and just a few private meetings.
Both of our marriages were rocky, and I guess that's what led to it. By far, I am the one who wanted to hold onto the relationship longer, while he felt extreme guilt and kept trying to end it. This has only been going on for about 2 months. In the meantime, we would go back and forth- trying several times to end it. We still hung out regularly on the weekends, both of us and our spouses.
Yesterday, we both decided we should have no more contact (this is not the first time we've said it, but the first time I've been serious about it.) I'm serious about it, i guess, because I realize it can go nowhere. His guilt is too much and he won't leave his wife for anything (she has cheated on him several times).
I do have feelings for him and I care about him, and he knows this. So today is my first day of real and true no contact with him, and it is very very hard. Yesterday he told me he hopes we can all still be friends, and I said- yes, eventually but not any time soon. I realize that us hanging out even in a group is too difficult for me and just sets me back.
Any advice, encouragement, tips would be greatly appreciated. I do love my husband, but I am very disappointed in him for several reasons and I don't feel those sparks or butterflies for him anymore. I know i need to focus on God and my marriage, but there are moments I feel like I am drowning because I want to see him or talk to him.
Help!

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Hi HR,
An official posters welcome to you this time. The first post is scary but it also feels good to get it out.
There is so much now to do and work on but it’s all good stuff.
First it will be replacing old habits with new ones. You need to find a new replacement for the text messages you use to get. I encourage those who are married to start texting with your H. I asked mine to write me during his work days. I did that two years ago and he does it still to this day. I look forward to H’s text messages more than I ever did my xAP’s.
Do you read the bible daily? Proverbs is a good place to start. It can give you a positive focus for the day. You said God but that is a broad term so hopefully you are not offended by my suggestion just in case we are not talking about the same God.
Also please give yourself sometime to grieve. It is helpful to set aside sometime each day to cry, journal, or whatever you need to do to let it out. Then say to yourself ok time is up for today anything else I need to let out I will deal with tomorrow during this time I’ve set aside.
Big, Big hugs to you Hazelrose for your first step towards gaining your life back,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Welcome HR~
Yes... this is the hard part indeed.
Hazel - E1 offers lots of good advice.
Thank you all for the encouragement and warm welcome.
Thank you for not bashing me or making me feel bad. I already feel awful.
Today is almost over, and my first successful day of NC will be done. Today was hard, but I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be harder. I miss him.
I know i shouldn't, but I do feel really sad. I feel sad that it's over. I know he probably won't, but a part of me wishes he would contact me and tell me he misses me.
How did you all do it?
thanks again,
hazel
Hazel,
Welcome!
You may feel sad for a while. It's part of the process. I felt sad much of the time even during the A. I was grieving the "what might have beens" while we were sneaking away to a hotel room and we couldn't go out to eat in public as someone might see us. It is awful to even write.... And, you seem to be very caring so of course you are thinking about him, but it is time to refocus on YOU!! That is what this board is all about.
For whatever it's worth, stay strong and take some comfort in that you can keep this to yourself and rebuild on your terms and not during the storm of a D-day. And, try to find some new friends to hang out with on the weekends so it will be easier to not have to see him...
Good luck to you and lean on us when you need to.
-Lofluv
Oh, Hazel, my heart is breaking for you.
Hazel,
Good Morning HR~
The way I made it thru was to focus on what is "real" in my life.
help help help help!!!
Today is day 2 of NC. I am struggling and I feel very weak. I am so tempted to text him. Rationally, I know there is no point. But I am dying for my "fix."
I am here instead of texting. Please help.
We are going with our spouses to a pre-planned event Friday night, and I know it's going to be hard.
DONT DO IT....
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