Mad at him
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Mad at him
| Sat, 04-23-2005 - 4:54pm |
I'm doing really well. But still at times I feel mad at him. I contacted him four years ago only to congratulate him on his business. I hadn't had any contact with him for many, many years. But I was so surprised and glad about his business that I needed to tell him so. I was proud of him. I had no intention or idea that it would end up leading to what it did. And then I think well who's fault was that? No one's I guess, in the sense that we both kept the conversation going so long..we both felt the draw to one another. But I wish that from the beginning we'd have just stayed friends and been able to keep in touch as old friends. I wish that is what happened rather than what did happen. I feel like a jerk for having believed his words also, and feel mad that I didn't just keep him in the friendship mode, and that I let myself be drawn right in. I realize it's too late for that, and it does me no good to go back over it and beat myself up for it. But sometimes it just pops into my head out of the blue and there it is. I am mad that he professed the need for me to be in his life ALWAYS. Yet instead of keeping it at that, he'd tell me one thing only to do another thing. In the end sadly, it isn't the "wrongness" of the affair that stopped me, but his back and forth, flip-flop.. His contradictory words. He contradicted himself again and again. For awhile I ignored the "wrongness' of the affair- because how could I just overlook a feeling with someone I hadn't had in a long time or never expected to have? Silly I know, but those were my thoughts. I felt that what we had was so strong, we couldn't avoid it easily and it was better to just stay in touch, and maybe we'd get together once in a great while (We are six hours apart). Because I couldn't imagine just saying no way--when I had known him so long ago and we shared so much. Such a conflict in emotion for me, as I look back now. But it took all this to show me all the stuff I wouldn't see in the beginning I guess..sigh.

lea,
its ok to be mad, i am upset at OW also, but it is also my fault, 50% of it, i recall one time she want to end it but i kept asking her to give it a chance, even if i know that there is no chance for me and OW, its a fanstasy that we have created in our minds because we are addicted to them in many ways
i admit up to now i still think of her all the time, like most of us, we think of them, i think even in the future we will think of them in some form and time, sometimes we hold on to that hope, it could come true or not but its human nature or something
for me right now, i think its too soon to form something, will i forget her, i think not, but my goal is to be able to let go of that addiction to her, her presence or whatever that is that makes me a prisoner in my own heart
i have friends that asked me to go out with their female single friends in the last week but i refuse, i am scared to go out coz i still hold on to hope for OW even up to now
for now i am able to take care of myself slowly and get some control of my life back
max
Well its good to take some time for yourself anyway. And in time you will want to meet some single girls. I know it. You will feel ready eventually. And someday maybe the right single girl is all it will take to erase OW from your mind.
I try to go through many days pretending exMM doesn't exist. At times that is good for me, though sometimes I think it catches up with me later-I end up dwelling a bit more on it in my head than I want to. My brain and heart both know it is over and needs to be over, but it will take a long time to just forget completely. Or to just stop the thought process of why and how. The good part is- I came here to voice it rather than impulsively sending off an email to him or impulsively dialing his number. Something I might have done in the past. This is better. I can get stuff out..but not cross over to the "contact" part while getting it out. thanks for being here Max. ((((Max))))
at some point Max...it would be good for you to atleast have some interaction with other women..even if online....just to get some perspective ...on how decent open free single women who might actually think you are incredible...respond to you, admire you, or treat you. Its also good to see how we see ourselves as well. (its also good to see that there are wackjobs, incapatible or unready people out there too LOLOL ...it can show us we have made progress and not that bad off LOL)
grieve when you feel like it...but don't wallow and DONT over-inflate your OW in your mind. I think you are doing what I did...and are grieving that we are not allowed to think of the AP anymore...that in itself is a grieving process...nothing more is coming...no more negative or positive..that fact is something to grieve. That is the moment ..its time...to try and look..and put an effort in..because...even if not fully successful right off the bat (and that wouldnt be right as well) ...its the meeting and knowing and learning from others...that is life. We who are alone like you and I am Max....we know don't we...how alive that can feel.
Please ...in the very least...put out a profile on match.com or harmony..or aol or something..just to see who responds and why. You dont even have to respond back..but it helps to see why others might value us when we've put so much value in that person's value in us..who is gone now...gone enough for us not to have had that value we thought we had.
Its harder for men to sit back and wait for attention or validation because we live in a society wheere men pursue.
I might suggest going to live chat rooms having to do with interests that you are interestedin ..doesnt have to be sexual...can be if that is what you are looking for etc. But i find that a very harmless way to interact...get feedback..and get noticed even on a smaller scale. Ive written a profile that gets a lot of attention (and no its not provacative but rather honest). If you are into poetry or something..or want to be noticed for a certain aspect that has been squashed by this affair (like your honesty or your brains or your hobby etc.) i suggest you put what is in your heart out there..and see who notices...because the person you wanted most to notice who the hell you are deep inside.....is not noticing or doesnt think its as important as you do.
Just like you put yourself out here Max...i do advise you to see yourself through others then here or through your OW. It really helps. I am not dating anyone but I am getting perspective like i never have. It makes it easier when others humanity can make me see that my exMM was human and not a god...and not the only person out there...i might click with...eventually.
Reality through a lil internet...whodathunk...be careful ..as i am..and it can be a great tool..especially on weekends LOL I find myself caring more and more about who others are and what they might think. hope springs eternal that i dont give my xMM so much damn credit. Magic as i felt...it wasnt the first time(although the only other time so far) i have hope that the magic might just be in me...not him =)
Lizzie
lizzie,
thanks, u read my mind
yes i am apprehensive to go out and see what is out there, yes, i still hold hope for OW in my heart and my mind, still grieving up to now
i think i have self pity which is not good
for now i just want to be able to function at work so i wont lose my job, and be able to sleep and not be a hermit on the weekends which is the hardest for me right now
nites and weekends are the hardest for me since i have no human contact at all, friends are all with their families which i understand so i have to keep myself busy
i am thinking of joining eharmony
thanks lizzie
max
Max...do it just for the attention...if nothing else. I am as alone as you are in every sense of the word..if not more (i dont even have as many friends as you do anymore...nor the funds to go out and have fun with those I could).
I need to hear from someone..what they liked about my profile etc..(i get a lil cerebral but brutally honest in mine on aol). It reaaaaaaaaally nice to be appreciated even if its not a compatible situation.
Its like marketing who you are...and getting to hear baack POSITIVE things to counteract being made to feel like nothing. To get a lil perspective..even from a stranger...is nice ..when there is no one else to do so like so many have in a support system.
The key thing is to keep perspective and not go overboard from the attention...unless of course you happen to hear from someone who is at least...awesome and healthy on paper.
Have fun with it, there is nothing to lose except some depression =). Be careful and mindful.
lizzie
It is truly amazing the cycle of feelings that continue to surface. I actually like the mad feeling better than the sad feeling. At least when I'm mad I'm sure I'll never re-visit the A and it's not as painful as the hurt. I hurt while working with him to the point that I can't do a good job at work some of the time - my mind is so clouded and I go through very angry spurts where I can't communicate with him I'm so upset (awful for getting work done).
I totally agree. I had no idea of the vacuum effect it would have. If I'd just remained friends I'd have no problems at work now. We don't realize at the time that once we cross the line there isn't any going back on it - we kid ourselves. The relationship is forever changed.
It seems like this is his way of controlling the course it will take. And his way of controlling your involvement - sort of a permanent fish hook in you. It's a nice thought if you're still invested in the relationship but not any way for you to ever let go completely which isn't fair. Sort of forces you to track each other through out life. I'm starting to view myself like an alcoholic and I can't ever just have "one drink" - and if you are to always be in his life on and off checking in on status... just seems it's always going to be putting you to the test.
I wish I could say it's the "wrongness" that is stopping me now. It's MY selfish pain that is stopping me - and my H has little to do with it. If there were joy in it I fear I'd never stop.
<(We are six hours apart).>
I haven't read this here yet but I assume others feel this way too - my MM lives in another town a couple hours away. I truly dislike that (in my mind) he has taken "control" of that town so I can't even go there without thinking about him the WHOLE time. It's like it's "his" town and even though I don't see him when I'm there I can't obsessively stop thinking "Wonder where he is right now? Wonder if he goes to this place to eat? Wonder if his house is in the neighborhood? Wonder if he is on this road a lot or if he lives over there?" Ackkkk... it's like the town is haunted by HIM. I would never go by his house even though I'm very curious as to what it looks like... for the sole reason that I don't want the mental picture of where he lives with his W - too, too painful (in fact, makes me cry thinking about it). So annoying.
Lealavendar, you've done the impossible and you seem happy with your H. Great job to you! - anger is going to be part of the deal though (probably some bitterness too). Again, I think anger is the more healthy emotion for the aftermath.
WIP
Its hard-my EXMM I can google search his name and place of business and find stuff all the time. So that is one impulsive action I haven't stopped. Not that I do it every day, but i've still looked every now and then. I hope that over time that gets less and less. God I honestly hope someday I just don't care anymore what he's doing. Its like I know I don't want him in my life and yet hard to completely have no thought to what he's doing. This is definitely like alcohol addiction or anything else.. kind of the same premise in "That day at a time" thing..