Thanks for asking!! Have to admit I haven't really known what to say after my trip, still trying to digest it all... Well, to say it short, don't know if I should be on this board anymore - at least not for the time being. But I'll tell you what happened (and try not to make it too long):
We met one week ago and the whole day he seemed to keep his distance. He did not make an effort to talk privately during the whole day and I just kept thinking I should be the same and be strong. I managed actually, and talked to other colleagues and had fun. A couple of things happened during the first days which made him think that I distanced myself from him (which was true). He got very sad and upset, and said: You have questioned my love for you, I think my strong reaction is proof of how strong my feelings are. He said seeing me again made all his feelings come back and that he would love me forever... We had some long talks and he was very open and honest. I felt I got all the words I had been longing to hear.
Yeah, you can of course guess how it went from there... I couldn't resist him and had a fab weekend. Now we have been apart for 3 days and he has been in touch every day. It's like we are back to the first months again. But what do I want? I want him, I realize, but at the same time I know I should back off a bit. Have questioned why I am doing this, getting back in it, and the answer is I was never ready to let go when he first said he needed to.
I am stronger than before, I try to tell myself that. Think I am, but also feel like I need him so much. Don't know where this is going. We will only meet once more in the next half year, and then we're back to emails and calls at awkward times. Because he can't be in touch when he is at home. So I guess he will do what he did last time, just push the thought of me out as a self-protection. And I can't live with that, so I need to build some self-protection myself.
Have been thinking about this board and all you great people here, and hope you don't blame me....
Hi There... After reading your reply, I thought, this is me. BUT.... I had to finally make myself understand that I matter more to myself, than I did to XMM. He wanted/needed the sex and the communication with me cause I provided him with the boost he needed, probably that he wasn't getting at home. Don't get me wrong. I miss him, why I don't know. We have been at NC for a good while now, however he did break it and told me that he thought him not calling me was what I wanted, and that he wasn't ready to let go, and then, on the flip side of that told me that he was where he needed to be for his daughter. He said he just could not be just friends with me, he just couldn't do it. So basically it boils down to what he needs for himself. His life at home in his community, all the material things he has and wanting me on the side for some pleasure. I choose to go. I am by no means saying this because that is what your situation is like, I am saying it because, I thought he loved me so much, like he said he did, that he would want me for me, A life with me, happiness and love with me. But no, he wants me to be back seat to a teenager, that is old enough to understand the facts of life and that sometime parents make changes in life. As my friends told me time & time again, "he is using you". I didn't want to see it. But now I have. I choose to allow my heart to start mending. and One day should he come back to me, he will find that he lost out on a good thing. I could not allow myself to "wait for him" anymore cause I will probably pass away before I have a complete life with him.
I'm not trying to preach to you, I'm just wanting to say that life is too short and truly there is somebody out there for you that can give you full time devotion, love, attention, and compassion that we like to have, and that makes our life complete. I'm so glad your trip was good for you and that you got the words you longed to hear, but they are just words, not actions. You deserve only the best for youself. Please be strong, hang in there and your heart will lead you to do the right thing for your life.
nobody hates you....this kind of situation is bad enough without you feeling shame over having spent time with him again. NC is no picnic and everyone here knows it. Given the same circumstances as you I dont know if I would have been strong either...but remember this:
You can easily fall back to the feelings that you had before. When the fabulous times are over and he goes back to not calling, can you handle it? How long can you do this for? Is the once every six month shag enough for you?
Reading your posts made me cry. Deep down I know you are right, but it is too painful to come to terms with it now. When I replied the other day, I was feeling really good and strong, like I would have no problems handling the situation. I guess I believed I had the upper hand, because he was the "weaker" one during the weekend. But it didn't take long before I knew I wasn't that strong after all.
I miss him, I crave him and in everything I do, I wonder and picture what it would be like if he was there. I believe him when he says he is thinking about me, but I don't think he does the same way. I think the chance for us being together is very slim, but still it helps me to fantasize about it. Well, I said that to him, but he doesn't want to think about it. In turn, that makes me feel like I don't really matter that much after all. I mean, how can you say you'll love someone deeply forever and then not even consider options? That's why your posts made me take a step further towards the truth - and it hurts...
This is all bugging me these days, I want to be free of the pain inside and the constant thought of him. There are really 2 options as I see it, either we continue this way (which means I have to work on myself a LOT!, to be happy about the small things, knowing there is someone out there who feels love for me) or I have to go NC.
Will meet him again in 1,5 week, only for a short weekend. Then I have to make a decision. Thank you so much for being out there for me, especially you, TCOM! It helps getting the frustration out...
Hi, Glad to hear from you. One thing I learned from my affair is that in time the truth come to light. I could not live in the fanatsy world too much longer, cause as the saying goes, all good things come to an end. If it was up to XMM, we would continue this "thing" we had for the next ten years. Truthfully at first I thought WOW,I was having my cake & eat it too, but then it hit me like a brick wall. I could devote myself to him whole heartly and he could just at any given time up and go. Whether it was him being tired of me and finding another "fresh" face to have around, or he could go back to his wife.
I still cry, my husband does not know it at all, (I cry when I'm in the shower). I still feel his touch, and still remember the wonderful words he said to me. But I have choosen to go NC. (XMM still tries to call). I had to for my own well being. But one thing I will say....I truly feel in my heart that XMM will come to me one day wanting a "normal" relationship and life with me. He knows he has my heart.(I have told him that.) But when and IF that day ever comes. It will be on MY terms and MY terms only. (If I decide I want him, then)
I know you will make the right decision. Yes, you will hurt, you will cry, you will be angry, you will have days when you don't even think about him cause your so busy. Myself and everyone else on this board will be here for you any time you need to vent. There is no way I could have made it as far as I have, without reading the posts here. The people here have helped me so much and most don't even realize it.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself and follow your head and not your heart, with your decision.
TCOM, thank you for caring and sharing :-) Having a bad day today, can't seem to focus on anything. Just find myself waiting to hear from him...
And this is not how I want it to be. Before we met again I had moved to the next level, at least when it came to being more relaxed and not expect anything. I was able to do my daily things without worrying that I would miss an email or an opportunity to talk on the phone.
But when he pulled me back in (and I voluntarily followed...) with all those loving words, I once again find myself waiting, hoping for a sign of life and love - and feeling hurt and sad when I don't get it. This is not good at all.
Have a few days by myself now, while H is away, will try to use them well and get some serious thinking done. I know I won't do anything right now because I see MM in less than 2 weeks, but I need to build some self protection!
Thanks for asking!! Have to admit I haven't really known what to say after my trip, still trying to digest it all... Well, to say it short, don't know if I should be on this board anymore - at least not for the time being. But I'll tell you what happened (and try not to make it too long):
We met one week ago and the whole day he seemed to keep his distance. He did not make an effort to talk privately during the whole day and I just kept thinking I should be the same and be strong. I managed actually, and talked to other colleagues and had fun. A couple of things happened during the first days which made him think that I distanced myself from him (which was true). He got very sad and upset, and said: You have questioned my love for you, I think my strong reaction is proof of how strong my feelings are. He said seeing me again made all his feelings come back and that he would love me forever... We had some long talks and he was very open and honest. I felt I got all the words I had been longing to hear.
Yeah, you can of course guess how it went from there... I couldn't resist him and had a fab weekend. Now we have been apart for 3 days and he has been in touch every day. It's like we are back to the first months again. But what do I want? I want him, I realize, but at the same time I know I should back off a bit. Have questioned why I am doing this, getting back in it, and the answer is I was never ready to let go when he first said he needed to.
I am stronger than before, I try to tell myself that. Think I am, but also feel like I need him so much. Don't know where this is going. We will only meet once more in the next half year, and then we're back to emails and calls at awkward times. Because he can't be in touch when he is at home. So I guess he will do what he did last time, just push the thought of me out as a self-protection. And I can't live with that, so I need to build some self-protection myself.
Have been thinking about this board and all you great people here, and hope you don't blame me....
mankella
I'm not trying to preach to you, I'm just wanting to say that life is too short and truly there is somebody out there for you that can give you full time devotion, love, attention, and compassion that we like to have, and that makes our life complete. I'm so glad your trip was good for you and that you got the words you longed to hear, but they are just words, not actions. You deserve only the best for youself. Please be strong, hang in there and your heart will lead you to do the right thing for your life.
Just my .02, based on MY experience.
Hope to hear from you soon.
TCOM
You can easily fall back to the feelings that you had before. When the fabulous times are over and he goes back to not calling, can you handle it? How long can you do this for? Is the once every six month shag enough for you?
Jazzdiva
Reading your posts made me cry. Deep down I know you are right, but it is too painful to come to terms with it now. When I replied the other day, I was feeling really good and strong, like I would have no problems handling the situation. I guess I believed I had the upper hand, because he was the "weaker" one during the weekend. But it didn't take long before I knew I wasn't that strong after all.
I miss him, I crave him and in everything I do, I wonder and picture what it would be like if he was there. I believe him when he says he is thinking about me, but I don't think he does the same way. I think the chance for us being together is very slim, but still it helps me to fantasize about it. Well, I said that to him, but he doesn't want to think about it. In turn, that makes me feel like I don't really matter that much after all. I mean, how can you say you'll love someone deeply forever and then not even consider options? That's why your posts made me take a step further towards the truth - and it hurts...
This is all bugging me these days, I want to be free of the pain inside and the constant thought of him. There are really 2 options as I see it, either we continue this way (which means I have to work on myself a LOT!, to be happy about the small things, knowing there is someone out there who feels love for me) or I have to go NC.
Will meet him again in 1,5 week, only for a short weekend. Then I have to make a decision. Thank you so much for being out there for me, especially you, TCOM! It helps getting the frustration out...
I still cry, my husband does not know it at all, (I cry when I'm in the shower). I still feel his touch, and still remember the wonderful words he said to me. But I have choosen to go NC. (XMM still tries to call). I had to for my own well being. But one thing I will say....I truly feel in my heart that XMM will come to me one day wanting a "normal" relationship and life with me. He knows he has my heart.(I have told him that.) But when and IF that day ever comes. It will be on MY terms and MY terms only. (If I decide I want him, then)
I know you will make the right decision. Yes, you will hurt, you will cry, you will be angry, you will have days when you don't even think about him cause your so busy. Myself and everyone else on this board will be here for you any time you need to vent. There is no way I could have made it as far as I have, without reading the posts here. The people here have helped me so much and most don't even realize it.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself and follow your head and not your heart, with your decision.
Have a good day!!!
TCOM
And this is not how I want it to be. Before we met again I had moved to the next level, at least when it came to being more relaxed and not expect anything. I was able to do my daily things without worrying that I would miss an email or an opportunity to talk on the phone.
But when he pulled me back in (and I voluntarily followed...) with all those loving words, I once again find myself waiting, hoping for a sign of life and love - and feeling hurt and sad when I don't get it. This is not good at all.
Have a few days by myself now, while H is away, will try to use them well and get some serious thinking done. I know I won't do anything right now because I see MM in less than 2 weeks, but I need to build some self protection!
Hugs to you!