Manners Maketh the man
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| Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:54am |
Reading a post on another thread a few minutes ago, made me stop and think.. about how it is so important in a relationship for a man to show a little chivalry along the way... What makes these men tick? Why did I let xOM get away with it when my H is the perfect gentleman.. always caring.. always there... always concerned?? What makes us go into these situations which eventually seem to be much worse than the ones we are already in..
Do you belive that once I was on my way to xOM house and it started pouring cats and dogs. I called him and told him I did not have an umbrella.. so please come downstairs because the walk to the entrance of the building was a distance from the curb. He said oh what the h... get wet it won't harm you. Well I did not want to get wet which is why I asked him in the first place right?? I should have turned the cab and gone right back home. But I did not. I got drenched but went and met him.. Foolish me
Am i well rid of this man or what????
Another time, i left his house real late and instead of walking me to a cab, he let me walk through a pretty shadey neighbourhood becuase the cabs were a distance away. Without a care in the world.. whats going to happen was his attitude.. and it was 1 am.
Am i well rid of this man or what????
As I go through the healing process, I keep remembering the things that were NOT OK during our relationship. Is this normal? I just cannot understand how I let him get away with all this nonsense. What a jerk!!
Sorry, just wanted to vent because sometimes I truly hate myself for letting him treat me like garbage
Trish

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I have been where you are, I promise it gets better. Even in the last couple of days. I really did think at times that my daughter would be better off without me, that I couldn't stand to go through the motions with my husband (who has pulled some pretty awful s$%t in the past that we are still dealing with, and I couldn't live with the humliliation brought on by xOM and the A.
Two days ago, I broke down and cried and cried and cried. I thought I was going crazy. I had tried to keep from doing that, but I just let it go, and afterward, I thought I have got to get counseling. (I was PMS too) But you know what? A few hours later I felt better, and today, I feel pretty darn good.
Think about calling a counselor. Just realize, this is a TEMPORARY situation. It WILL get better. You WILL be happy again. Reaching out to him, it's a habit, a reflex, a way to get your "fix." Being a Southern girl, I learned this from Scarlett O'Hara: Tomorrow is another day. How true. Each day gives you an opportunity to start over. Just like going on a diet. So what if you give in and eat cookies all day? Start eating celery the next day. Doesn't mean you have to throw in the towel. Get up, take a shower, get dressed, fix your hair, do something nice for your kids. Do something nice for you. Diva and I have found the power of a manicure/pedicure. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen for the lunch crowd. Don't let this defeat you. It will only if you let it.
Newsgal,
Did you ever get couseling after you first marriage ended? Being the victim of a violent marriage leaves scars and wounds far deeper than you can ever understand without the help of a therpist to levitate them. Possibly these wounds also played havoc with your self-esteem issues thus the reason for having an affair.
I certainly hope you will consider therapy. I think you will benefit from it greatly in helping you to uncover all those buried secrets and with their release, your true self will emerge and begin guiding you toward a much more fulfilling life; the one you are struggling so hard to find....
JMHO,
Id
Undone -
I wish I could take away your pain. I have been down that road - still visit there sometimes. I started a journal when xOM and I broke up - it's amazing to look back at it and see how far I have come. It use to e that the bad days were normal and the good days were few and far between. I can honestly say it is reverse now. i still think about him every day, I still miss him every day, but I know this is the right thing for both of us. This board has been my savior - I don't know how I would have made it through the last 5 months if I didn't see other people dealing with the same issues. There were days I felt so alone - it's comforting to know I'm not crazy ;-)
I am in T. I had a very abusive (verbal and emotional) Xfiance who I was with for 6 very formative years of my life (18 - 24). Add that to a father who left me when I was little and a bunch of crappy exboyfriends and you get a very emotionally messed up girl w/ a whole lot of abandonment and self-esteem issues!!
I'm learning that xOM, H, my father, friends - none of these people can fill the void I have inside of me. It has to be filled from within. It's not easy and every day I have to tell myself that I (bold) can do this. You can too!!
Luv,
Diva
Diva,
I so understand the whole self esteem thing. I had very bad self esteem in the past thanks to verbally abusive parents and some horrible experiences from the past....but I think taht I have gotten over alot of that. I know my worth. I think that I have gained alot of self esteem this past year. I know that I deserve better than the husband that I have and XOM definitely should have treated me better...I didn't have to take the crap that he dished out. It is all water under the bridge. The here and now is what is killing me. Where do I go from here? I miss XOM so much. I saw his faults and still loved him, I still love him.
The void in my life is not from what is inside of me...it is from having an emotionally/physically distant husband and now I've lost the love of my life. Those are huge horrible pills to swallow. Maybe i"m just one of those people that will never know real love and have it forever. I could have been happy with XOM. I don't want alot out of life, just a nice man to go through life with. I'm not a woman that was selfish and wanted the husband AND the lover just for kicks. I was a very lonely, abused post partum depressed woman that was desperate for love. I'm not making up excuses, I was wrong. What I did was wrong. But I was in love, and I deserve love. I won't apologize for that.
Jazzdiva
Undone -
Of course you deserve love!! You should get back what you give out and I believe you are a very warm caring person. So, is there any way to get that from your H? You married him for a reason...are those reasons still there? Would T help him? Would you have left H for xOM? I hate to hear you hurting like this...
Diva
ID,
No, I did not get therapy. I am thinking about it now. After my first M was over, I just tried to pretend it never happened and went on with my life. Three months later, I met my H. He was fun and uncomplicated and didn't ask for details about my past. He made it easy to pretend the bad stuff didn't exist. Fast-forward a few years, and that's exactly what's wrong with our marriage. He avoids conflict, hides anything bad, and has never completely connected with me emotionally or spiritually. I have been just as guilty in this situation.
I did wonder about the trauma aspect. Since that happened, it has been a running joke with co-workers, friends and family (who don't know about the situation) that I startle easily. If someone walks up behind me and speaks, particularly my male coworkers, and even my husband, I jump...I mean, sometimes I come off my chair. They all think it's funny, and I usually laugh it off, but I have been wondering if it's related.
My friend gave me the business card of her therapist. I'm trying to get up the courage to call.
I will make that my goal for the New Year.
Hi again,
I didn't have time to respond fully in my last post (and now I have insomnia ;) so I went back to read your original "outburst" in this thread to point specifically to it being just that. An outburst of
Undone,
I was so shocked when you said the words you were thinking of ending your life, and thank god you backed that up with another post...I was really scared to read that.. hugsss to u, please be strong.
You and many of us are probably screwed up.. me for example, went from a caring husband to a man who drove me to the edge. Ofcourse my husband has his drawbaks too, everyone does, but all said and done, as an individual he is much better than xOM.
I sometimes feel that i am a totally confused person who needs help as well. I love the attention of men... I was never close to my father though he was always around. But he had a habit of making fun of me. If i smiled, he mocked the smile, I know it was a joke but I think it effected me bad. If i wore something, he said what u wearing?? He was narrow minded. He never let us touch his stereo, we had to ask him to play our music. That was the trust he had in us.. he said we would spoil it, even at the age of 15. Gosh my kids know more than me at this age :-)) Do these small things affect us and our thinking?? I never thought they would, but sometimes looking back, maybe just maybe it did.
So when any other man praises me now or asks me for company, I feel great!! When I was young I used to be always compared to my younger sister who people thought was beautiful, maybe thats why I am now, the way I am, the compliments make me feel good, and I get a lot of them, and my head gets all swollen and maybe thats how xOM got the chance with me...he appreciated me, he pursued me like no other man had. Mine was a high school romance, so I only had H before I got into the affair, no one else.
I miss xOM too today.. :-( feel all weepy but will get through it. Its the down day i guess, which we all go through. The strength I had yesterday seems to have faded a bit, I better pull my socks up!! I dont want to regress, and I know tomorrow is another day and I will feel better then.
Take care all,
Hugs
Trish
Wow...I never expected to go here with this, but you're right. I am a bit amazed that I spilled all this here.
>>You WERE traumatized and that little girl inside of you who had learned at a very young age that people who proclaim to love you are not supposed to hurt you like this, was so terrified and betrayed, she went into hiding.<<
It was a bit unnerving to read that. I had never expressed that to anyone, but that is exactly how I feel.
ID...I am going to make that call this morning. My Christmas gift to myself (and my family, too). I'm not sure my husband will understand, but so what. I can't look to him for approval.
By the way, my friend gave me a book called "Taming Your Gremlin" or something like that. I haven't read it yet, but the pictures are hillarious. Apparently I have been a bit negative about myself lately...if my friend only knew.
Thanks for your candor and honesty...and caring enough to prod me in the right direction.
((Hugs))
Newsgal
Newgal,
<>
If anyone should be able to understand Newsgal, it should be your husband. You mentioned that he was one of the few that knows about your past. Simply put, tell him the ghosts of Xmas past are coming back to haunt you ;)
My prayers are with you. You are taking a huge step in the right direction, and I am proud of you.
Id
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